Category: News

Turning You Off of Politics, One Sarcastic Remark at a Time

by blue midget

Previously, I expressed my frustration over the number of Americans between the ages of 18 – 24 who do not vote, and a large percentage of that age group whose primary source of news is satire – namely, Jon Stewart. From time to time I like to ask people in this demography why they did not vote in presidential elections, and to no surprise, the answers I receive are usually the same: “Politics are stupid; it’s all stupid. I don’t agree with anyone.”

After giving this a great deal of thought, I have come to the conclusion that many of the programs and campaigns aimed at this demography are actually doing more harm than good. Humor and satire rule the day when it comes to wooing the younger voter to the ballot box, however, as this has proven more and more ineffectual, the level of sarcasm slopped on top of these attempts has increased to painful decibels. It is my opinion that sarcasm-overkill is creating the mindset in younger voters that politics are stupid, and is ultimately deemphasizing the importance in voting and the long-term effects of individuals in office. As I obviously enjoy humor and satire as much as the next person, the level of bullshit being slapped onto important issues are doing more harm than good. It is time to pare back to news Cliffnotes with some simple satire.

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Mr. Sun, You Slay Me

by blue midget

By now, most of you know that President Bush has nominated Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. Miers has zero judicial experience, but has been a very close advisor to the President. Oh yeah, I knew it was going to happen as soon as I saw that Bush had alluded to nominating a woman or minority: We were about to have a mini-Bush nominated to the Court. It’s the trade-off, see? Everyone gets their woman or minority, and Bush uses this compensation as an opportunity to appoint his Mini-Me. I was not disappointed in my conspiracy theory, and thus, the outcry of the nation against Bush. Hey, if you’re the so-called “leader of the free-world”, wouldn’t you want to give your buddies a leg-up? If appointed, this woman’s going to have a job as a Supreme Court Justice for the rest of her natural life. That’s more than most of us can say.

I’m not sure how I found the weblog for Mr. Sun. One day I was trying out the new Google Blog Search and found it. Who knows what keywords I had entered, but there it was, shining like a guilty pleasure before me. Earlier this week, when I went for my routine check-up on the site, Mr. Sun had posted a hilarious article regarding Bush appointing his close friend to the Supreme Court, and further actions along this vein. Well, I say ‘article’, but it’s more of a diagram… Actually, I’m not even sure how to describe this thing. You’ll just have to see it for yourself. Kudos to you, Mr. Sun. The conservative in me was offended, but the rest of me was laughing so hard that my latte was coming out of my nose.

Rummy 4-Ever!

It’s a Turd! It’s More Blame! Yes – It’s the News!

by blue midget

Because I avoided the news like a plague last week, I feel as though I’m running to catch up on everything that’s happening. And there’s quite a bit going on, so I felt this warranted another news update.

A special elected House of Reps committee is investigating the foul-up surrounding Hurricane Katrina. Earlier this week they interviewed former FEMA Director Michael Brown. “Wow,” is about all I can say to this debacle. A couple of weeks ago I noted that in the myriad of people who didn’t handle the hurricane crisis correctly, someone was going to have to go down for it all, because it’s not going to be President Bush, and every politician around wants to get as far away from this clusterf*ck as possible. Michael Brown has stepped up to the plate with enthusiasm, donning a large bullseye on his forehead like a moron. Among the horrific claims he made, he told the committee that his two biggest mistakes were that he did not hold a press conference immediately after he arrived in Louisiana and that he “did not recognize that Louisiana was dysfunctional,” referring to dissention between New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco that ultimately caused response failure. But why stop there when you’re on a roll? Brown hit bottom when he stated the FEMA is not a first response agency, instead, it is a coordinator of the first response agencies. Yep, just when you thought he couldn’t make it any worse, he did. Representative Christopher Shays, a Republican from Connecticut, became nasty at this point and justifiably so when he said, “I’m glad you left. Because that kind of, you know, look in the lights like a deer tells me that you weren’t capable to do the job.” Hey, now that there’s a large moving target of idiocy in the forefront, everyone else can jump out of the way.

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Catching Up On the News

by blue midget

It’s been a couple of weeks since I have delved out the news lowlights. There’s a reason for that, and a really good one too: I was sick of it. Everywhere you turned, it was nothing but Katrina and Rita. And more Katrina. And even more Rita. But I can’t procrastinate any longer because we really should catch up on current events. Unfortunately there isn’t much out there that’s really funny, but I’ll try my best.

Vice President Dick Cheney has had a long history of serious health problems. This weekend, he went in for surgery for knee aneurysms. According to the hospital, his surgery went smoothly and without complication. Apparently he was only scheduled for one knee, but during the surgery, his doctors decided to do the second. Cheney was released from the hospital, walking without assistance. Moving slowly and rigidly to the car, he looked, strangely enough, like Anakin Skywalker after his transformation to Darth Vader. I’m not alluding to anything; I’ll let you draw your own conclusions to that. At any rate, Vice President Darth Cheney worked from home yesterday, recuperating from the surgery. He is expected to be back at work soon, where his first action will be to head down to the D.C. police department and Force Choke Cindy Sheehan.

Fox TV’s “Head Cases,” starring Chris O’Donnell and Adam Goldberg, the completely unfunny television show about two lawyers who are released from an institution and forced to work together, was cancelled after only two airings. And there was much rejoicing.

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100,000 Whiners Can’t Be Wrong

by blue midget

This afternoon I was writing up the weekly news report (since I haven’t done it in two weeks) when I reached the portion about the anti-war protests at the White House this weekend and Cindy Sheehan’s arrest. And that was when it happened: I felt the hate rise up within me and explode onto the page. It was in danger of taking over the article, so I cut it out and decided to stick it here instead. You’ll get the regular news report tomorrow, but in the meantime, you’re stuck with my opinion.

This weekend, over one-hundred thousand people camped outside of the White House, protesting the war in Iraq, among other things. During the protest, police had to keep telling Sheehan and her fellow protestors to “keep moving”, and not sit down on the sidewalk. After having to tell them on three different occasions, the message was still not sinking in and the police started making arrests. Cindy Sheehan was the first to be arrested, while protestors chanted, “The world is watching.” Okay, whatever you say, crazy people.

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What in the Hell is Wrong with Italians?

by blue midget

And we thought the EMP was ugly. I don’t even know where to begin, so I’m just going to point you here. Read that article now; you won’t be sorry that you did. Just in case you missed it the first time, read THIS ARTICLE.

Some Viennese “art group” (they’re calling it art) knitted the most awful pink bunny rabbit and will leave it on an Italian countryside for the next twenty years. TWENTY YEARS! First off, I must point out that it’s made completely of wool. I’m not sure what they’re going to do about rain. Then again, they wanted to knit up the largest and ugliest bunny rabbit ever and leave it on the Italian countryside, so we’re obviously not talking logic. My favorite part of the article is where one of the artist group members said, “It’s supposed to make you feel small, like Gulliver. You walk around it and you can’t help but smile.” I think that’s a mis-quote, and I’m sure what he said was, “laugh your ass off until you asphyxiate and die.”

Important Dates

by blue midget

Over the next couple of months there are some important things happening. Basically, it’s my chance to tell you what awesome books and games are being released, as well as some holidays and their history – for both U.S. and Canada (Annual Bathtub Races!). I don’t really have a beat on what’s happening for movies because they’re so expensive and so lame as of late that I haven’t really been paying attention. But if you know of any that needs mentioning, post below in the comments section with a date. Or if I missed anything else that you feel is particularly worth noting, comment below.

Wednesday, September 21
ABC’s Lost – That’s tomorrow people, so get on the ball! If you want to catch up, here is a site that gives you a general rundown for each episode. For more details and spoilers, click “Recap” under each episode listing. It’s definitely worth catching up on for tomorrow night.

Monday, September 26
Sly 3: Honor Among Thieves is released for PS2 – Great game for all ages, fun quests and puzzles, a whole lot of fun. Thumbs up for Sly and the gang. I have a friend who has played the last two with his six year old daughter, and confirms that they are age appropriate – for the both of them.

Tuesday, September 27
Family Guy: Stewie Griffin, the Untold Story DVD. Previously unseen material except by those who have been downloading it for free. He commands you to buy it.

Monday, October 3
Oktoberfest Ends — Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to drink as much beer as you possibly can until Oktoberfest ends. Do we have any readers who are beer connoisseurs? Post below with your recommendations and we’ll get it added here.

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This Week’s Report: The Crap No One Cares About

by blue midget

Once again, it’s time for another weekly news update. But this time, politic-lite. Truth be told, I’m getting sick of writing about politics, and I think everyone’s getting sick of reading it. Besides, that’s why you read my articles, right? Because I bring you all the news that no one gives a rat’s ass about. So, let’s get down to the more interesting stuff that you may have missed.

If you live in a freaking cave or just don’t care about sports, you may have missed the NFL Kickoff. The game was preceded by a one hour concert of a strangely chosen mix of artists that no one really cared about, especially after Ozzy Osbourne got on stage and kicked the ever-living crap out of everyone with his performance. I’m not even a big Ozzy fan and I have to say that he was absolutely amazing. The guy is nearing 60, and he’s still kicking our asses. Of course, he looks like an extra from Night of the Living Dead with his phosphorescent skin and wickedly black eyeliner, but he could still rock your ass with the greatest of ease. In fact, I was absolutely amazed at how easy he made it look. About half way through his performance, I couldn’t help but think, “Ozzy’s almost 60 and he’s doing this so naturally, and Ashlee Simpson can’t even lip sync correctly .”

Yeah, I really was thinking that. By the way, has anyone else noticed that her website is called “ashleesimpsonmusic.com”? There’s a joke in there somewhere, but she already has so much more to laugh at that I don’t think we should linger. For some reason, MTV is letting her come back for another season of her stupid reality show that no one watches or cares about. I think the only thing the world will be watching is her reappearance on Saturday Night Live, since she botched the first one up so bad. In fact, there are quite a few petitions out on the net, begging, in fact, pleading, for anyone who can to stop her from “singing.” Yeah, she hurts me too.

Speaking of hurt, Steve Guttenburg is allegedly going to be making another Police Academy. I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news or anything but, I think God has forsaken us.

In Pedophile news, Michael Jackson has written a new song for Hurricane Katrina relief, and Mariah Carey is going to sing it. Er, wait a minute. Did I really say “relief” and “Mariah Carey” in the same sentence? Well damn, I meant “obnoxious screeching from a psychopathic slut in high heels and a mini-skirt.” Sorry for the mix-up, everyone.

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Katrina This, Katrina That

by blue midget

There’s no escaping it – everyone in North America will be talking about Katrina for a long, long time. I’ve been wracking my brain for something a little lighter, something more entertaining that I could soothe the tension with, but there’s no point because all there is right now is Katrina and the fury of politics surrounding the disaster.

In fact, the politics are screaming out so loudly now that it’s hard to hear anything of value regarding the matter, like trying to locate children or get people some clean underwear. Earlier in the week, I mentioned the media frenzy that’s come out surrounding Kayne West’s anti-Bush comments during a fund raiser being held for those stricken by Hurricane Katrina. In fact, everyone has been talking about it, and I have to say, I actually feel sorry for the guy. From what I’ve been reading, it sounds like he realizes that the media responses to his comments have now been overshadowing the more important issues such as relief efforts, and he seems to be genuinely sorry. Not sorry for his anti-Bush comments, but sorry because he really could have chosen a better time and place to make a statement. And he’s right; he should have picked a different time to spew his venom because those comments hurt more than they helped.

Unfortunately, Kayne West’s comments have fueled more Democrat criticism about FEMA Director Michael Brown. Allegedly, (I heard this on Fox News, I didn’t actually see this myself so I use the word “allegedly”) there was an email or website that polled people on how they felt about the FEMA Director, and whether or not they thought he should be removed from his position. If a person voted to remove him from the Director position, a window would pop up asking for donations to the Democratic Party. And of course when the criticism poured in about the Democrats trying to profit off of a tragic situation, the Democrats were very embarrassed, removing the site immediately. Poor Democrats. They just really, really suck at this whole politics thing.

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Escape from New Orleans

by blue midget

Someone get on the horn and call Snake Plissken. Just when we thought the devistation from Hurricane Katrina couldn’t get any worse, it did. What more can I say that hasn’t already been said? The area is destroyed, homes and lives are devastated, families are separated and the dead are everywhere, threatening the living with sickness… And somehow, assholes are making matters worse. Reports are coming in of bands of young men raping women, police no longer tolerating looting, even if it’s for food — which is ironic because earlier in the week, there were reports of police looting going on. I ask you: Why in the hell is it that when we are faced with tragedy, danger and anarchy, a handful of assholes see fit to make things worse? If aliens exist on other planets, it’s little wonder as to why they avoid Earth.

And here I am, ready to hit you with another PSA: When the water has been pumped out and the city has been cleaned, don’t forget that many of these people were in poverty conditions to begin with and will have no money to rebuild their homes. Right now it’s estimated that the water in New Orleans will be drained within 36 – 80 days. When that happens, the people who were too impoverished to have insurance on their homes will have nowhere to go. Many, many people will need your help as much as they do right now. When the water is gone and relief seems near, don’t forget.

Also, if you have not yet heard, rapper Kayne West has his head up his ass. A celebrity telethon was being held to raise funds for the hurricane victims, and because Kayne West is now suddenly en vogue, he was paired up with Mike Meyers to speak. Instead of sticking to the script, he turned it into his own political agenda, saying George Bush hates black people and that the only reason the government hasn’t moved sooner to help is because the people in trouble are black. Unfortunately, he probably would have done a lot more good had he just stuck to the script instead of turning it into a Bush-jihad. I’d like to take this time to point out that if this had happened in California, it would have been predominantly Latino and if it had somehow miraculously happened in Kentucky, it would have been predominantly white trash. It’s the demograph.

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