Category: Drunken Ramblings

The Fifth Question

by hulk


XB-34712 was disappointed to hear the bell that signaled the end of recess. He was watching a car go down the highway far below the hill that the school stood on. The car waded easily through the crowd of horse and people-drawn buggies carrying goods and other people to and from the city. XB-34712 wondered who might be on it. Only mediarites and level 47-V bureaucrats, turquoise grade or higher, could drive cars. XB remembered his mother telling him about the speed of cars and how everything was shipped across the land by truck, at least the bulk goods, and how she once went from Chicago to New York in 16 hours. She showed him a picture of her car, the word “Explorer” on the back of it, and a blue oval with the word “Ford” in the middle. She told him how wonderful cars were, but they were taken away when Congress outlawed the use of gasoline by the general public. A lobbying group formed by actors and internet-based activists had convinced lawmakers that gasoline exhaust was poisoning the Earth and that the only way to keep humanity safe was to stop the use of automobiles. Congress tried shutting down the big automakers, Ford, GM, and all the Japanese plants in the US.

Then Japan threatened war. It had been building its military since the Taiwan occupation began. Once the Chinese nuked Taipei to end the rioting, Japan demanded the right to own a military again. Since then the JAF, or Japanese Automated Forces, had begun building bases throughout the South Pacific, and had the ability to threaten Hawaii and California. Congress buckled immediately, knowing the public would not tolerate casualties after the pullout of Baghdad and the seizure of Iraq by fundamentalist clerics leading a frenzied mob. So then cars were only made by Toyota, Suzuki, Nissan, etc. People complained and got GM and Ford opened back up. They couldn’t come back to speed very quickly though, and the lobbying group came right back before Congress. Finally a solution was reached; without gasoline, cars couldn’t run. Gasoline use was banned throughout the country. Ration tickets were issued for generators and other equipment for a few years, and finally it was banned for use by the general public. Gas could only be acquired by those who showed an absolute need, such as for large pieces of equipment run by corporations. Hydrogen powered cars came to the market, but all it took were a few explosions and several multi-billion dollar lawsuits and no car manufacturer dared to continue. GM and Ford shut down for good, and the Japanese took huge losses in closing their plants in the US.

Hence XB-34712’s amazement. He ran inside, knowing he was late. A buzzer went off as he ran into the class. “XB-34712: Late”. A ticket issued from the slot by the door. He knew it meant twenty minutes spent after school in “Remedial education”. Students were no longer given detention; that was deemed harmful to their self-esteem. Instead they watched videos about the greatness of the Bureaucrat and “The Grand Protectorate”, which watched over them all. Each video ended with the message, “Serve the Protectorate Well”. XB couldn’t understand those videos, what with the conflicting messages his parents gave him. XB took his seat.

“I have your projects graded, class. I must say I’m very pleased with the dioramas you constructed. They will be presented to a local level 34, fuschia-grade bureaucrat! Aren’t we excited?!” The class cheered. Except for XB. He couldn’t see what was so special about the bureaucrats. They kept issuing the same old messages: “Be calm. Be well. The Protectorate will provide.” They seemed like robots to him.

The teacher handed back grades on the assignment. XV-57496, sitting next to him, started crying when she saw hers. The paper read “ABOVE-AVERAGE” in big red ink. The student in front of her almost leaped when he read, “Excellent Job! Below average!” The teacher pulled both of them from their desks and put them in front of the class.

“Cease crying, XV-57496. I’ve told you time and time again to stop trying to be better. Haven’t I class?”

“Yes TH-83055.”

“XV-57496, explain yourself.”

“I wanted to do well! You said the assignment was to show the glory of the bureaucrats outlawing capitalism and seizing private money for the public good. Isn’t that something I should spend extra time on?”

“And ruin the average for your classmates?! How dare you think you are better than them! XQ-17569 knows better. He waits for the Protectorate to educate him to be better, along with the rest of his classmates. He knows that to be part of a whole, carefully moving towards progress, is better than trying to run ahead! Don’t you want the Protectorate to look out for you?!”

“Yes ma’am. I’m sorry. I’ll try to fit in with the class next time. I’ll wait for my education to improve, like everyone else.”

“Apology accepted, XV-57496. It is unfortunate that you had to be shamed in front of the class. Perhaps it was one of those pirate broadcasts that corrupted you; they will surely be processed by the bureaucrats.”

XB turned to his friend when she got back to her desk. “Why did you lie? XQ-17596 only got congratulated because he was lazy! Why keep yourself down?!”

XV-57496 hissed at him. “I’m sick of getting in trouble. This game is stupid! You and your stupid parents telling us to do well. All it does is get us yelled at! Your parents are stupid!”

TH looked up. “What was that? What did your parents say, XB-34712?”

“Nothing ma’am.” XB hoped she would forget about it. She was fairly clueless, which so far had let him and XV-57496 get away with achievement. But she would catch the two every once in a while, and XV-57496 seemed to bear the brunt of it. Probably because the rules were different for girls.

*Note: This story will be continued. Further note: I stole the numbers instead of names concept from Ayn Rand.*

fuels cells

by hulk

theres this big asriclrt in time about fuels cells and how they are gonna be the next big thing and replace both power plants and batteries, sizes big amd smeall. The proble is no one is patying attentiojn trehew the little fact that fuel cells require hydrogen which is currently made by burning methane. and recharge on electricity, which we need power from our current power plants form, which are mostly fossil fuel plants. And yeah, the efifcnenty of fuel cells is much greater than combustion, but to make the hydroenge its a much lerss efience t procesds as a whole., Morons don’t get it, that its all gonna be bad when we’re all using fuel cells and brunig nteh entire planet to make the hdyreonge to fuel them. Its a classic case of ignoring the forecst for a shrub.

The History of Germany

by hulk

The History of Germany, According to Rich:

So Germany was this big piece of land called “nothing” by the Romans because that’s all it was to them, a big hunk of nothing, no vineyards, hence no point. In truth they probably had some name for it, like, “pointless place full of trees” or something like that. Then Attila the Hun came from up there and smashed the Roman Empire, which was already in decline because of debauchery. I don’t really know what that means, but it probably means the Romans were de-bauching themselves, which sounds bad and/or gross. So the Germans put an end to that. Then nothing happened for a while in Germany. Again. Blah blah blah, they discovered feudalism as it swept Europe. Feudalism was great because everybody got to screw everybody beneath them, like a giant pyramid scheme, which is illegal, but fortunately for them there was no FBI back then to arrest them all for the stupid scheme. Read the rest of this entry »

The History of Japan

by hulk

The Japanese have a long history of getting their culture from other peoples. Several thousand months ago, they copied Zen Buddhism from the Chinese. Then they did a bunch of stuff with sand, rocks, and little odd-shaped trees. They were a feudal society until about 60 years ago when General Macarthur threw the Emperor into the Pacific Ocean. Simultaneously, the US soldiers removed their weapons and taught the Japanese about pornography. The nation was immediately revitalized, as artists set to drawing pictures of women in impossible proportions. There’s also something about Godzilla in there, he’s this really cool giant death-lizard who represents the horror man has potentially unleashed upon himself by building the A-bomb. Read the rest of this entry »

Ahnold goes to Mars

by hulk

“Good evening. Leuitenant Govanah Cruz Bustamante has infohmed me that I should not invade the Mexico with the broom. He said something to the effect, “No Blood for Tahcos”. I did not understahnd this since ve alreahdy have plenty of the tacos in the Taco Bell. But then I opahned the window and saw prohtestors cahling for a recall because they do not like the invasion. Then on the news the John Stossel was interviewing the tiny children at the high school and he asked them why they were protesting. They said, ‘Because we don’t think their should be any blood spilled for Tacos. We should wait for the UN to act.’. John Stossel asked them where they believe the Vincente Fox is, and they replied, ‘In Canada, right?’. I was greatly distressed by these evehnts. Then Sharon Stone came in and said, ‘Hollywood is pissed at you for this war. Alec Baldwin says you should be stoned to death, because he is a civil and good man and said it’s more patriotic to kill our own citizens.’ I then beat her many, many times with the broohm of jahstice because she was an agent of the evil. I plan to flee to China where I will board their new spaceship to go to the Mars, where the ahliens have asked me to start the reactah. Once I come back, I will bring oxygen, I mean Jahstice, to the Mexico. Excuse me while I swim to Chinah.”

Ahnold sends troops to Mexican Border

by hulk

“Attention puh-nee citizens of Cahlifonia. I have finished meeting with President Bush and I have some fresh ideas for this state. I removed my broom of juhstice from its place about my mahntel this morning and swept Governor Dahvis out of office, because he is tahking too long to leave. I then phroclaimed myself Governoh of this great state. As my first ahct, inspired by my meehting with President Bush, I have assembled the national guard of Cahlifornia on the mexican border for an invasion. I beleive we have a moral impehrative to clean Mexico up, what with all the steahling and the drugs and the monies from the selling of the drugs, and the fact that evehy time I go there foh a Tequilah my damn Hummer gets stohlen. Therefore we will sweep mexico until there is justice. Now, there is this puny man with a puny mustache claiming that I cannot do this, some man named Vincente Fox. I asked him, ‘Why do you add that silly e to the end of your first nahme?’, but he could not reply because of the jahstice of my broom. He was then killed by his own generahls who have divided mexico up in regions accohding to the drugs that are processed there. I have ahmed the national guard with brooms of justice made from the giant redwoods to sweep mexico, and I stand ready to send the troops in. Now all I need to do is end this silly trahnsit strike so I can bus the troops ovah the bohder. I must go beat up some union membahs with my huge ahms and my broom of jahstice. Excuse me. Ah’ll Be Back.”

Ooble famine in Widgit

by hulk

The Widgit Communist Farmer’s League reported today that there will be an Ooble shortage in local markets this season, and that the farmers expect 40% reduced profits this quarter.

Farmers blamed the loss on several factors. First of all, Mayor Chewobble has taxed them “too heavily”, and reportedly called them a bunch of kulaks, who “put their lives and the lives of their children before the economic success of the party.” In response, Mayor Chewobble has decided to exile half of the farming population to Woodget (that utter hellhole of a town) . When asked how we would solve the farming problem by getting rid of farmers, Mayor Chewobble exiled some reporters to Woodget. No one else asked any questions.

The farmers also blamed their losses on Martha Stewart, who apparently “waved her black magic over our small farms” and then sold stock. It is also interesting to note that Mr. Beeboozle sold just as much stock as Martha Stewart at the same time but no one pointed a finger at him. The Communist Farmers League responded that it is in no way “sexist”.

Finally, the farmers said that a rising population of blowpops in the fields have been harmful to the oobles, as blowpops are terrifying weeds that suck up all the water in the area.

One thing is for sure, not many households will be having ooble pie this Thanksgiving.

Pillywip arrested for Pillywop’s murder

by hulk

Early Wednesday morning Sergeant Meewop of the Widgit Police Department anounced that a suspect had been arrested for Ted Pillywop’s murder. Bob Pillywip was taken into custody and will be charged with ninth degree murder. This carries the fine of $1.00. When asked what the city could do with that dollar, Sergeant Meewop said, “We could make a call using 1-800-CALL-ATT. Or we could get a Dell.” Sergeant Meewop also anounced the disappearance of the annoying Dell kid who is widely known for saying, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”. Meewop said that the Dell kid had been reported missing earlier this week, and the family did not want it made public immediately as they hoped to lure him home with a Dell Dimension XP.

Meewop was asked to elaborate on possible motive in the Pillywop case. “Well, the problem was, none of us liked Pillywop, so I almost can’t say I blame Pillywip for killing him. I mean, what kind of a name is Pillywop anyway? It ends with “wop”. It’s pretty stupid.”

A reporter pointed out that Meewop’s name ended with “wop”, to which he replied, “No comment.” Pillywop was found murdered last tuesday in his bedroom, and Pillywip was the primary suspect as police said they suspected the two were lovers and that it was a crime of passion. Pillywip vehemently denied being a lover of Pillywop, saying, “I love eating fish. I swear. Sausage just ain’t my thing.” When asked to explain why he was talking about food in reference to a murder case, Pillywip replied, “It’s metaphors, don’t you get it-nevermind.”

For the past week, the town of Widgit has been living in fear, now they can rest easy. As long as you don’t have a stupid name, you will not be murdered-at least not in the town of Widgit.
Also, reporting on the UFO sightings this past weekend, Sergeant Meewop said, “It was all swampgas, I’m telling you. Swampgas and monkeys who had been sent to outer space as part of an experiment. We aliens are not living among you and trying to eat your brains. Wait, I mean, those aliens are not living among you and trying to eat your brains. Yeah. Praise Zolnok. No, wait! I said…I like peanuts.”