My God is better than your God, Or: Oh yeah? Well Buddha has laser beams for eyes, so there!

by hulk

Note: This rant is incomplete and full of generalizations.  You could spend the whole time reading this screaming internally about how I got your religion wrong.  Is that really useful?  I’ll make it easy for you: I admit up front that there are lots of good things I’m missing about all religious mentioned below.  Except Hinduism, b/c you’re gods have way too many arms and I’m not backing down on that.  I will NOT agree with you that every other religion is wrong and yours is the right one.
Scott Adams had a very clever point about reducing the conflict between Christians, Muslims and Jews.  Let’s take it in a different direction:  What’s similar?  Where can we all find common ground?

1.  Hindu’s, Buddhists, Wiccans, and Atheists are all going to Hell.  We can all agree on this one, let’s move on.  ( Oh, and if you’re an atheist, stop smiling right now.  You do worship a God, his name is Science, and you believe in just as many lies as those who worship God, or a “god”.  You believe that one ape got wings, used them to fly to get more bananas, fed the bananas to girl apes, and thus bing!  Flying monkeys.  You ignorant liberal redneck.)

2.  Women are second class citizens (or things, pick one).  In Catholicism, women are closed to the holy spirit.  Why?  Because Jesus didn’t want to be one.  Also, he only picked males for disciples.  Mary magdalene was a tagalong.  In many christian religions, women are meant to obey their husbands and in some extremes, just stay at home and be moms (or breed armies of Christ, as I read recently).  Do I even need to say anything about Islam?  I wanna say their stance on women is morally reprehensible, but that’s not fair without criticizing Christianity and Judaism some more.  It’s just that Christianity and Judaism don’t go as far.  I mean Islam is all about covering women up or killing them because you accidentally saw their ankle and that makes them a worthless whore.  In Judaism in Christianity, religion encourages us to suppress women AND have sex with them.  The two do not conflict.  Of course that’s a generalization, there’s plenty of idiots preaching that sex is a sin.  This is why Catholic Church attendance is down to old people.  Poor old people haven’t realized that lubricant works :*(

Let’s face it, religion doesn’t do much more in this instance than act as a tool for suppressing women with lies and superstition.  God will cry if women try to work or forget to cover their heads.  Or vengeful wrath, blah blah blah.   Simplistically, this is creating God in our image, and I’m sure someone who’s given this more thought could explain it more eloquently.  God loves us and doesn’t love those who are different from us, and as long as we sacrifice a calf to him every tuesday he’ll smite our enemies and bring us financial success.  Hooray!

2.  If you ask questions, God hates you.  Did you learn from “The Wizard of Oz”?  There’s no one behind the curtain.  In fact, there is no curtain.  What’s wrong with you?  You’re sacriligeous/worship the devil/burka burka fatwa!  Or, if you’re a scientologist, you will die from pneumonia if you question how Lord Emperor Xenu gave all the space aliens the R6 implant.  Yep.  That’s what’ll happen.  It sounds ridiculous, but compare it to:  You’re moving away from God if you question him.

Don’t get me wrong, you shouldn’t go up to God and say, Hey, thanks for existance but…I coulda done better.  It’s arrogant as hell to believe you A: Understand existence and B: Could make an improvement.  You can improve humans, sure.  You go too far though, you’ve got a religion and before long you’re murdering the non-believers.   This brings us to the other side of “Don’t ask questions” which is: The consequences.

I’m sorry you have to die, but God (oh and when I say God, feel free to substitute Yahweh/Allah) hates you and won’t tolerate existence.  Go to hell.  Here’s my problem with this mindset:

Well first of all, the people doing it don’t recognize what they’re doing.  They’re doing the work of God, hooray, great, don’t ask questions, just coerce/subdue/kill the non-believers.  Use the word “heresy” liberally.  Oh heck, get some hors d’eourves and make an inquisition out of it!  Let’s string em up and ask them to confess!

More importantly:  If God made evil humans that he didn’t love…wouldn’t he make it easier to identify them?  You would think they would have horns and wings and things.  Instead the evil humans look just like humans, except they hate God and he hates them.  Let’s kill them in his name.  (Note: I’m using capital G for reference, but not the capitol H since I’m talking about misconceptions of God, not the actual God himself.  Don’t wanna commit heresy).  Really though, they’d have some nice identifying feature, like a forked tongue.  That would be so much easier than a guessing game, where your left wondering if you’re supposed to get the Democrats out of office because that’s what Jesus wants.  That brings us to number 3:

3.  God  needs a starship.  But until we build one, he needs your money.  Lots and lots and lots of your money for um…his temple.  See, we can’t honor God if our cardinals drive around in anything less than a BMW…I called God and he said that’s heresy.  Now hand it over!

Dante (and I) believed that the Church went wrong in the 4th century when Constantine converted.  He gave the Church money and power, and it all went to hell.  If you ask me(surprisingly, no one does), God’s temple on earth should be a shack, and all the money should be spent on curing malaria/tuberculosis/what-have-you.  Why would the creator of the universe care about a temple made of stone?  Which is better, the toddler you brings you a clay sculpture and then smacks his sister, or the toddler who sits down and helps his sister  learn how to sculpt clay?  Well which do we do?  I’m pretty everyone’s doing plenty of helping, but still, there’s too much smacking, even if it’s not physical and blatant.  But we don’t hear this from the religious leaders who drive beemers.  Instead we hear, give to the church/mosque and well…you’ll be honoring God.  We’ll give some of it away.  The rest goes to my beemer.  I want a blue one.  I gotta say Islam has us beat in at least one respect: the 40% rule about charity, where you’re expected to give most of your money away.  That is respectable.

4.  God/Allah/Khali will someday destroy the world.  All the good believers will go to Heaven, and the enemies of the faithful will go to hell.  I gotta say this: My money’s on Khali getting the job done first, and I burn candles in front of a multi-armed elephant every week. (Haha, different cultures are funny!  Especially ones involving brown people!)  I have one argument against that:  Sex.  If we’re all spirits and stuff, there’s no body parts, hence no sex.  Unless it’s like weird glowing orb sex, and I don’t want none of that. ( Hooray for the written word!)  Why would the creator of the Universe…the creator of the female form, get rid of sex?  (as a side note, yes, the female form is the primary locus of sexuality, because women will appreciate a “sexy man” (double parantheses note: I feel gay saying that) but will fall for any sap with an ok face and is nice.  Men, on the other hand, are always picturing women naked.  Every single minute.  Don’t bother asking, because we’ll lie to you about it.  But we’re doing it.  Turn a little to the side.  Thanks)  Answer is: No God/Allah/Jacob who loves us would do that.  That’d be cruel. What would we even do without a physical existence?  Sit around singing God’s praise?  That party would be ok for about five minutes, then even God would be bored.  Yes, major religions, you are BORING God.  Good Job.

So what’s the answer?  Yes, I know I said it’s arrogant to believe any one of us understand it all…but I meant arrogant for everyone but me.  The answer is:

1.  God loves all created life.  Yes, you can still eat meat.  But stop killing in his name.

2.  If you want, you can say God’s a girl, whatever.  Enjoy Lilith Fair.

3.  God loves you, but YOU have to make the effort to reach out.  You have free will, and you have to make your choice known, explicitly.

4.  The devil does not have horns, nor cloven hooves, and he is not behind the gay pride festival.  He is however, gay as hell, loves the color pink, and currently exists on earth in the form of Paris Hilton.

5.  Hindus: Stop bathing in a river full of crap.

6.  Muslims: welcome to the modern era.  Stop sitting around in sand.

7.  Christians: wtf?  Honestly, what are you thinking?

8.  Jews: Keep making those tasty bagles.

9.  Atheists: You’re not all scientists just b/c you don’t believe in God.  And you can’t refute arguments against your theories by saying: You don’t understand the scientific method.  That is a crap argument.

10.  God wants your money.  Send it to me, I’ll make sure he gets it.

11.  God doesn’t do most of the things you say he does.  He does however love us, and wants us to show it to each other.

12.  Feel free to add to the list.