This Is Not the Best News In the World; This Is Just A Tribute

by blue midget

You know things are bad in the world when David Hasselhoff, aka “The Hoff,” can’t get no respect from the press. The Hoff has received a lot of bad PR lately regarding some public drunken appearances. This episode in particular is my favorite – the press claims The Hoff is kicked out of Wimbledon for being totally drunk. As he is evicted from the premises he shouts out:

You should let me in. Do you know who I am? I am the Hoff.

I AM THE HOFF!

Now here he is on July 24 denying the incident, stressing that he absolutely does not drink and that the press will report any lie they can come up with. However, three days later we’ve got another awesome Hoff incident, where he gets so drunk in the airport, British Airways wouldn’t let him board the plane. I commend the travel stewards on prohibiting him from the flight – what happens if the Hoff starts taking off his shirt and singing songs by Chef in the middle of the airplane? There’s nowhere ladies and gay men can go to escape the power of The Hoff.

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The shirtless Hoff – causing as much ruckus as snakes on a plane? You decide. dun dun duuun…

President Bush vetoed a bill on stem cell research, inciting the anger of many across the country. The Democratic party was quick to respond with the following message: Bush hates people.

However, the human race won’t totally be left without advancements as further technological developments are allowing people to move objects with their minds.

The experiments show that it is possible to capture the language of the brain, reroute that language outside the brain, and then decode the signals into movement commands, according to researchers.

“We’re just at the start, just getting off the ground,” study co-author John Donoghue said.

To date, four patients have received the implant, called “BrainGate.” This is expected to be available on the market in 2008. Consumers hope future developments of BrainGate will allow them to control robotic arms and surf porn.

Miss Puerto Rico was crowned Miss Universe! In the heat, strain, excitement, and malnourishment, she fainted. The article gives many great details – that she fainted exactly at 8:38pm, an announcer who was not identified called for a nurse (I’m surprised they tried to find out this person’s name) – some super-sleuth intern writer who was given this dumb story really went wild on all of the really important (har) details, but failed to mention when the stupid pageant actually took place. Better luck next time, intern!

There are so many news reports that it’s hard to verify which ones are accurate and which ones were not. Previously there were reports that Saddam Hussein went on a hunger strike which lasted a single meal. A new report has come out that Saddam and his “people” have gone on another hunger strike, which put Saddam in the hospital to be fed via I.V. His trial is nearing an end, and according to reports, he’s still in fine form.

The unidentified attorney, his voice digitally disguised, continued reading from a final defense statement that ran 75 pages.

“I don’t want my history to be stained by this,” Hussein interrupted.

Please do not stain his history with the facts, people! Nobody likes it when that happens. Hussein has demanded that he receive death by firing squad, however that is the death given to soldiers, which Saddam Hussein is not.

In Iowa City, a Girls Gone Wild bus ran over a bicyclist. This incident should not be confused with the Tomahawk cruise missle that fell off of a truck in New York. War involves boobs. Girls Gone Wild involve boobies. Big difference. (Yeah, yeah – wonk wonk wonk.)

A thousand year old book of Psalms was discovered in a bog in Ireland. Strangely enough, the book was found open to Psalm 83 – a passage where the psalmist complains to God that all the surrounding nations are conspiring against Israel, and begs God to persecute them for all of the trouble they have been bringing on Israel, God’s chosen people. “Experts” (expert in what, the article doesn’t say) focused mainly on the page left open, because it could mean something about the current conflict in Israel. Apparently, these “experts” aren’t aware that Israel was bombed because it was Tuesday. And Wednesday. Don’t forget Thursday. Or Friday. At any rate, after what I am sure was exhaustive research on the page, they decided that no, the Newfound Book of Psalms Doesn’t Predict Doom. Thank God for that, because I WAS SO WORRIED. In fact I was about to tell you to stock up on bottled water and canned food, like it was Y2K. Good thing we have experts to tell us these things.

And now for your daily dose of satire: Kim Jong-Il Offers to Abandon Nukes in Exchange for Role in New Bond Film. Please be sure to know the meaning of the word “satire” before proceeding.

Please make sure you are sitting down before you read this: Lance Bass of N’Sync Reveals He’s Gay. Seeing as how the only memorable N’Sync member is Justin Timberlake (and the only reason for that is because he was banging Britney Spears back before she had come out into the open as hideous, zit-covered, cheeto-binging, baby-dropping trailer trash) the article helps you understand which member we’re talking about (numbers added are mine).

  1. ‘N Sync is known for a string of hits including “Bye Bye Bye” and “It’s Gonna Be Me.”
  2. Bass has also found headlines for undertaking astronaut training and
  3. failing to raise money for a trip into space.

Gay previous N’Sync’er who tried hard to be an astronaut but failed miserably and publically… I don’t know about you, but I’m not seeing a bright future for Lance. Well, his star may be falling, but the dream of going to the moon may not – NASA Aims to Open the Moon for Business. The Space Frontier Foundation, a Nyack, New York-based space-advocacy organization, believes that the future of mankind is to create human settlements on other planets. I support where this organization is trying to take the human race, and I would be all for helping Lance Bass become involved so he can realize his dream. Also because I would love to rocket all boy banders into space. Think about it, people.

In Britain on Monday, July 24, inflatable art escaped and killed two people. I’m being serious.

President Bush is in trouble again. The American Bar Association has issued a report regarding excessive use (abuse) of “signing statements”. Slate has a great article about it called “George W., Indian Giver“. The article contains a link to the ABA statement. Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter (R-PA) is preparing a bill that the Senate can use to sue Bush in Federal Court. Yeah! Bush hate! Woo!

And now let’s give Republicans something to cheer about with some Democrat hate – here’s the new Democrat “American Dream Initiative“:

Senator Clinton unveiled her 2008 domestic policy platform — er, sorry, the Democratic Leadership Council’s “American Dream Initiative”— yesterday in Denver. Though members of the DLC are supposed to be New Democrats, this latest policy gruel is enough to make us wonder just exactly how they differ from the old Democrats.

Here’s another good article about it by the Seattle Times.

And now it’s time for Crazy Tom Cruise, because any time is good time for crazy Cruise! Cruise Is Master of His Domain; Actor Wins Rights to TomCruise.com. Because you don’t know the history of teh intarnets! Tom does!

In Germany, some idiot woman mailed a 5-foot albino python. What is it with snakes and post office workers lately? A postal worker said the package began to move around and then she saw a snake coming out.

One of the postal workers in the western city of Mechernich, who was familiar with snakes, wrestled with it and locked it into another container, while her colleagues ran away.

I would have run over co-workers, shoving them backwards in the direction of the snake to get out of there. But that’s just me.

Last week it was suggested by many that we were on the cusp of WWIII. Relax, folks. It’s not.

Allegedly, there’s a new device that translates dog “speak”.

The doggy utterances are then analyzed and divided into six categories — happiness, sadness, frustration, on-guard, assertiveness and neediness — before being translated into one of 200 preprogrammed phrases.

No word yet on whether or not they’ll create a “I’m horny and want to hump your leg” category.

Also, the Secret’s Out – DaVinci Mania is Fading. And the secret is: the DaVinci code sucks, and that’s why the movie bombed and no one gives a rat’s ass.

Three men were found guilty of brutal slayings in Florida – over an X-box. Six people and a dog were killed brutally with bats (some stab wounds were also found) and the bats were ditched in a pond. The three men will receive the death penalty. GOOD.

Andrea Yates, the mother who drowned her five children, one by one, in a bathtub, was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Yates claims she heard Satan inside her and was trying to save her children from hell. So now she’s not guilty because she’s insane. You know, I have to say that this is one of the reasons I believe that there is an afterlife. And I believe that one day Andrea Yates will get what’s coming to her. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or in a year from now – but I hope and pray that she will suffer for all eternity for what she has done. Someday, she will receive justice – true justice, not what has happened in that court – for what she’s done.

And here’s a guy who shares a bit of my sentiment – a man came out of a 19-year coma turned on the television, saw too many things that sucked, and asked to be put back to sleep. Here’s my favorite part, about his first reaction to Paris Hilton:

Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show “The Simple Life.””That was really the straw that broke the camel’s back,” he said. “I don’t want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that.”

My thoughts exactly, Mr. Deloit.

Paris Hilton is a retard

Stay tuned for next week’s news report and have a great weekend.