by blue midget
HAIKU BATTLE! We are reinstituting haikus! Battle it out in the comment section! Show us your lyrical stylings. Topic: Operation Removes Lightbulb From Anus
Every year I look forward to the Independence Day holiday. This year especially. For those of us in the U.S. lucky enough, this means a four-day weekend. (I have no idea how you Canucks are making out with the weekend.) And not only that, but Independence Day assumes a party. Face it, it’s an excuse for friends to get together, eat a lot of food, drink a lot of beer, and watch some fireworks. With any luck, no one will be lit on fire. Of course all of this is contingent on the fact that you are not a loser without friends. For the sake of argument, let’s say you are not, in fact, a loser without friends, and will be doing something social this coming holiday.
The next obstacle is food – what to bring? You can’t show up to a BBQ with chips and a six pack of Budweiser or you’ll be lynched on sight. On the other hand, a Julia Childs-type soufflé may not be your style. It’s cool, dudes and chicks. I’ve got something easy and cool for you to do. I know you want to disregard this column because it’s something to do with cooking, but trust me, I know what I’m doing.
In ye olden days, people used the telegraph or a lone, brave postman to deliver tidings. News was sparse and difficult to come by.
Today, thanks to Dan Quayle and the invention of the internet, news is abundant, not to mention redundant.
Google News is one of my main sources of news. It’s handy because it picks the day’s top headlines in a few different categories and sort of “collects” all of the articles pertaining to that particular headline for you to choose from – and for many headlines, there are anywhere between hundreds to thousands to read all about the same topic.
Yet another new style – like it? Huh? Do you? I’m fairly proud of this one.
I’m going to try having two posts on the homepage so that content sticks around a bit longer. I figure it’ll be better with multiple authors, so no one feels slighted. Let me know what you think!
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
Now that most of the halffull writers are back, I will reinstitute an old custom: The weekly news update. However, I need a name for my news report. Any ideas? Comment below with your suggestions.
And now for the news.
For those of you who did not follow this year’s “American Idol”, you didn’t miss much. The winner, Taylor Hicks, whom I predict in three years will be relegated to performing lounge acts in Vegas as an opening act for Tom Jones, has been recently voted as People Magazine’s Hottest Bachelor. For some bizarre reason, the masses have been charmed by his gray hair and long, shaggy eyebrows, and have somehow decided that he looks like George Clooney. I assure you, this is not the case at all. Halffull has done some extensive research and has discovered that Taylor Hicks is, in fact, Jay Leno’s mini-me. Our research is guaranteed to be factual because it was done over the internet. By ninjas. Internet ninjas. Yeah.