Why are Asians attractive? Or: My most racist rant ever.

by hulk

Most of what I say that’s offensive is for shock value. Well… most of the stuff that’s just offensive for offensiveness’s sake. I stand by my rant “The Victim Game.” But the stuff about ethnicities and um… hell, let’s just say I enjoy shock humor and leave it at that. I make generalities about groups that aren’t mine and then disparage those groups based on those generalities. I don’t honestly have anything against them. Lying is fun! Ok, I try not to have anything against them. I do not explicitly judge people based on their ethnicity. That being said, I am nowhere near naive enough to walk down Main Street at 1 AM.

I have this racial intolerance, though, that I can’t even begin to understand. I notice it when I’m out in public. My blood pressure rises whenever I see a certain type of couple. I mean, I understand some racial/ethnic intolerances. By “understand”, I mean I understand why it happens, not that I condone it or agree with its basis. I understand why rednecks think the Jews are behind everything. Or why the Muslims think the Jews are behind everything. Or why the Europeans… damn. Does anyone like the Jews? I mean, come on people, don’t we have respect for a group of people who can hold their own, politically and militarily, against a world that absolutely hates them? Maybe the Canuckistanis (Canadians) like the Jews. I can only hope, ’cause I kinda feel bad for them. They’re so cute, with their big noses, and piles of mon… ahem. Seriously, I have enormous respect for Israel and the fact that it can kick some serious dictatorial ass and still have the guts to say, hey, maybe the Palestinians can have some land too. It takes strength to cede land to a group that bombs your buses and wants every last one of you dead.

Back to my point. I don’t understand why I get pissed off every time I see an Asian woman and a white guy. It’s usually the same type of white guy, too, a nerdy, artsy looking guy with glasses, and sometimes that stupid semi-long hair look with the waves, trying to look like Heath Jackass. Sorry. I don’t know why this irks me so. I guess it has to do with the fact that I don’t get why Asian woman are attractive. Ok, let me back up. I don’t get why Asian woman are specifically attractive just because they’re Asian. There are lots of attractive Asian women out there. Damnit. How does one get their foot out of their mouths on racial issues? I guess you just don’t. I guess I’ll just ask everyone not to playa-hate. Can I say that yet? See, Kanye West put a moratorium on white people saying black phrases. I’m not kidding. He suggested a one year waiting period.

I’ve never even had a bad experience with an Asian woman, at least not… nevermind. There’s no reason to single out a certain racial group. I’m just saying that certain groups tend to be hated more than others. I mean, Koreans hate the Japanese, for example. I can understand why. I mean, if a group invades your country and tells you to stop speaking your jibber-jabber language… Native who? What? There’s still some left? Well, no wonder they’re pissed. Sure, let ’em collect gambling money. Give ’em some tax free cigarette stands. Ahem. I really need to direct my thoughts.

I had an Asian woman as a boss once. She was awesome. She was attractive too, but that’s because I have this thing for older chicks. She was probably in her mid-thirties, though it’s hard to tell because Asian women don’t age. Ever. But yeah, I’ve always had a thing for older women. Like when I was five and I would gaze at that cute fifth-grader on the bus. Or when I was nine and I had the hots for Ms. Dana, my fourth-grade teacher. Or when I was in sixth grade and liked Ms… I don’t remember her name, but she had that hot librarian look going on with the glasses. Then Ms. Brennan in high school. I did poorly in the class because I would spend the day imagining her demanding that I stay after class to do some “biology” experiments. Wow, I really should just shut up before my trial. Please, Mr. FBI man, notice that in the part about the fifth grader that I was five. I was five, I was five, I was five, I was five. I think that makes it ok.

By the way, WTF is with the FBI task force on decency? Have you heard about this? And the Attorney General’s office asking Google for the search records for porn? This can’t be right. I guess it was inevitable. In a society that believes that safety lies with regulation, it was only a matter of time before the government started trying to ruin the internet. I’m sorry, I’m discussing two different things. The Google search records issue is separate from the task force for decency. It’s a couple FBI agents being gathered to go after websites with “indecent” material, “indecent” being defined, quite literally, by “community standards”. I’m not kidding, that’s current law regarding how to determine “decency”. Don’t get the wrong impression either, I read somewhere that FBI agents were pissed that resources were being taken away from important things to form this stupid decency task force. I’m not going to be an idiot and blow this up, I seriously doubt this will turn into much of anything, but it’s still annoying that the government thinks it can determine decency.

How about all those websites that talk about how to be a good Christian woman and love it when your husband rapes you? I’m not kidding, this shit exists, and it’s quite prevalent. Is that decent? I mean, which is worse, born-again Christians and the whole state of Iowa or a woman sucking off a horse? A horse I can avoid. I can choose whether or not to do anything with it. But those born-agains scare me. Notice how I’ll probably not get criticized for being scared of born-agains. Replace that word with… no, I am not dumb enough to actually write the word. But you can imagine it. But replace that word and see what would happen to me. Actually, I’d probably get elected to Congress, like Senator Byrd of West Virginia. Former KKK member. I’m not kidding. And yet that asshole gets off scot-free with racial stuff. Go figure.

What was I talking about? Asian women. Right. Ok, so the thing with them not aging is where I don’t like the whole idolization of the Asian chick. See, I can’t disengage it with a disturbing desire for young women. It’s one thing for an old geezer at the mall to say “Holy Crap!” when he sees a gaggle of high school girls wearing next to nothing. They’re usually wearing next to nothing, and I’m sorry, but it’s simply biological to be aroused by developed girls, even if they’re not quite 18, wearing next to nothing. The proper response is to look away. I’m quite serious. It’s one thing to be aroused by the things that, animalistically, you’re going to be aroused by. It’s another to seek out that arousal by going to the high school soccer game. I can’t bitch enough about “The Limited Too”. When I was younger I could let my eyes roam at the mall and not feel bad. Now I’m a little older, and if I see a ridiculously short skirt, 9 times out of 10 my eyes will jump that way and then I’ll want to gouge my eyes out because that is not 18! Seriously! What parents think it’s a good idea to let their kids dress like this? These freaking kids are wearing nothing! It’s just wrong!

Hence the Asian chick. I really think nerds and gamers love Asian girls because they’re so young-looking. And that’s what bugs me. It’s wrong.

And so is spaghetti breakfast.

I know I’m gonna wish I never posted this.