This Week’s News Report Brought to You By Sarcasm

by blue midget

Although there was not a great deal of participation, last week’s News Haikus turned out to be surprisingly popular. We’ll bring it back again soon and make it a monthly occurrence. Until then, if you spot anything newsworthy that you’d like to contribute to the next haiku news report, write something up and save it. You have about three or four weeks to come up with a little something. Until then, here’s your regular news report.

French President Jacques Chirac decided to stop being a useless tool when, after eleven nights of violent rioting, he finally decided to say something about it. I guess the first ten days of violence and burning are okay, but once you reach that eleventh day, you’ve gone way too far. Reports claim the rioting has spread to 300 towns across France and into Belgium and Germany. Last night a man was beaten to death by a rioter, becoming the first reported death since the violent outbreak. President Chirac is facing extreme criticism for his inability to handle the rioting – why this is such a surprise is anyone’s guess. Reportedly, Chirac has two different plans proposed on how to face the crisis: A) Call in US and UK forces to handle the situation and afterwards harshly criticize them before the UN for occupying France, or B) Surrender. No word yet on what the decision will be.


A cruise liner was attacked off the coast of Somalia. According to an ABC News report:

“That gang is one of three well-organized pirate groups on the 1,880-mile coast of Somalia, which has had no effective government since opposition leaders ousted a dictatorship in 1991 and then turned on each other, leaving the nation of 7 million a patchwork of warlord fiefdoms.”

While many reports claim that the attackers were pirates, others claim it could be the work of terrorists. Just pick whichever one causes the most panic and hysteria, and that’s the one reporters meant. Cruise staff stuffed their 151 passengers into the dining area while the captain, who rushed to the deck in his bathrobe, maneuvered the boat into another direction and outran the attackers. After an hour, it was over for the passengers, but not the media who are milking this puppy for all its worth.

The Colbert report debuted last month, originally intended as an eight-week stint, has been extended into 2006. I didn’t think much of this show when I watched the first episode, but after giving it a second chance I thought it was quite witty – much more entertaining, in fact, than The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He had me at “America’s cornered the market in balls.” Oh yeah, we’ve got big brass ones, baby.

In other television news, Matt LeBlanc, who played the dumb guy in “Friends”, will be producing a sci-fi thriller set in WWII. Must… watch… train wreck… Can’t… look… away…

Now that Scooter Libby has been indicted, questions are apparently being raised as to how Bush’s inner circle does business – as if no one was wondering before. Democrats are furious that Libby’s defense has taken the “I don’t remember” stance, because they really want to crucify anyone near Bush. Then again, elections are around the corner, and if they want to regain the presidency, they’d better get busy defaming Republicans everywhere – as if the GOP needed help making themselves look bad, especially this year. I find it quite ironic that when it comes to rapists and murderers, Democrats shy away from harsh punishment. On the other hand, when it comes to the GOP, they’re demanding blood. Perhaps if they would correct their stance on criminal punishment, they’d “get their man.” Confused about the CIA Leak Case? Start here: Q&A with Timeline. If you click that link, you will need to refresh it once for the article to appear. CS Monitor articles load funny from links.

Greenspan is out, and Bernake is in. With nothing important to talk about, reporters reflect on his SAT scores, calling him the smartest chairman ever. Bernake scored at 1590, beating redshift by a small percentage. Damn smart people.

Jessica Simpson reportedly has been in therapy, due to the stress and strain of rumors about her marriage splitting up. “I respect knowledge of the psyche” she was quoted as saying, after someone had to write it down for her and help her pronounce “psyche” correctly. “I would be a therapist if I weren’t an entertainer,” she says. Oh man, that’s a joke in itself. I mean, you can’t make this crap up.

As for the other Simpson: Didn’t catch Ashlee drunk at McDonald’s? You can catch it at the Superficial.

The CIA has been accused of having “secret jails” all over Europe. Governments everywhere are denying knowledge or involvement of said jails, also known as “black sites” that were allegedly set up after 9/11. The European Union is looking into it, which is kind of hard, given that these jails are secret. For now, everyone is acting surprised, even though no one really is.

And that’s it for your weekly news update.