Calling Gary Gnu

by blue midget

Every week as I am searching around the internet for newsworthy items, I will sometimes run across snippets from sources that I am not familiar with, i.e., never heard of in my life. And since I do not really like to write more than one news summary per week, I try to be selective about what I rehash here. For example, early last week I found a strange snippet about Marilyn Manson coming out with a new fragrance. I wanted to put this into last week’s summary, but I had never heard of this website before, and I couldn’t find anyone remotely credible that knew anything about it either. And it’s not like I’m friends with the guy so I can’t really phone him or his “people” to confirm the story. A couple of days later, even Fark was reporting the news of this new fragrance, but I hadn’t heard of the website they were linking either. And after everyone else started mentioning it, I didn’t want to mention it anymore. Although, I’m not sure why I am concerned with reporting “factual” information anyway, since no one else is.

Speaking of which… Out to prove to the public that the media lies, Michelle Kosinski of “The Today Show” was reporting on location about the New Jersey floods, live on camera, sitting in a canoe to demonstrate the severity of the flooding… as two men walked in front of the camera, the water only up to their ankles. By the way, there’s probably a job opening on “The Today Show” if any up and coming reporters are looking for a job. Qualifications include a minor in theatre. The link I added goes to Newsbusters, and if you scroll down a bit on their article, you can click to download the canoe debacle. Whatever happened to trustworthy, ethical news sources? Someone bring back Gary Gnu – that’s a name you can trust.

Judicial Nominee Harriet Miers submitted her completed questionnaire to the Senate. This is fun, because now politicians have another reason to get their face in the media and insult the White House and Bush’s nominee. Words used by Senators to describe Miers’ questionnaire were “incomplete” and “insulting”. At first I was surprised, because the questionnaire is six and a half pages long, and with the completed questionnaire, Senators also receive deliberations with Miers that is set to start on November 7, as well as a complimentary flurry of media packed with information on Miers that may or may not be fact. If that wasn’t enough, President George says she is A-OK in his book. I’m not sure why this isn’t enough, and I would think that after all this they’d have all the information they could possibly want on her, but apparently that isn’t the case at all. To give her a helping hand and illustrate what exactly is required, the Senate Judiciary Committee took the liberty of writing her a three page letter, just to say “Give us more information.” I’m not sure how you can drag that out into a three page letter, unless it’s also filled with name calling and obscenities, which is probably is.

I confess that I have not been following the CIA leak. I have no idea what’s going on, sorry. But I do know that the probe has now extended to Vice President Darth Cheney, and his top aide, Scooter. Huh, Darth and Scooter… yeah, ok, let’s not go there. Besides, that’s not even the good part. The good part is, now that Cheney’s under investigation, someone suggested a wild plan: On the off-chance that Cheney will need to resign from office – you’ve got it: CONDI! Yep, someone suggested that if Cheney has to resign, then we could elevate Condi Rice to Vice President. Word got out and now everyone’s talking about it…

…Except for Condi, who has shouted out to the masses once again to shut the hell up, because she really does not want to run for president. For months now, she’s been telling us that once her job as Super Woman is through, she’s going to go back to teaching. For some reason, no one is listening to her. Unless it’s a ploy and she really is running for president and doesn’t want to tell us yet. Good thinking, Condi. Just wait it out and tell us when the time is right… In the meantime, we’ll just keep flooding the media with pointless articles of “Condi vs. Hillary 2008”. Republicans everywhere are pretty much required to inflate these rumors at this point, because the Republican party is running out of people: Bush is on everyone’s shit list, Cheney’s under investigation, Tom Delay’s now got a warrant out for his arrest, and Roy Blunt, who took Delay’s place as House Majority Leader is suggested to be involved with Delay’s crimes. Republicans are running out of potentials, and Condi’s the only hope. Help us, Obi-Wan Condobi. You’re our only hope.

Hurricane Wilma has weakened a bit, but is still estimated to become a Cat 3 hurricane when it reaches Florida this weekend. And in case anyone needs reminding, that’s what Katrina was when it hit New Orleans.

The Bird Flu is spreading, and it’s becoming a major problem. Click this link for an article that includes the Bird Flu timeline.

Speaking of icky diseases, Paris Hilton is denying that she ever had sex with Tom Sizemore. In that sentence I didn’t really specify which one of those two were an icky disease, but I’m feeling confident that you could take your pick and get it right, simply because there is no wrong answer. Also, I have to point out that you must have hit the bottom of the barrel if not even Skank Princess Paris will claim that she ever slept with you. Tom Sizemore, who is now in rehab and admitting to be a sexaholic, now has no career to speak of, and as a last resort to make some money, will be releasing a tape of his sexual escapades. Eew. Every time a male celeb announces to the media that they’re a sexaholic, I think it’s a complete load of crap. They sob and cry about how they need help and are receiving counseling and a support group. I bet they pay people a lot of money for these support groups. But I’ll tell you what’s fast and free: Put some of these “sexaholics” in a room together. That’ll cure them. Because a naked man in a room with naked Tom Sizemore or a naked Michael Douglas will curb anyone’s sex drive for years to come — I don’t care how horny you are.

But, let’s get back to Paris Skankyass. Here’s what’s happening with her: She got engaged to a guy who was also named Paris. This you already know. So we’ve got Skank-Paris and RichDude-Paris. This could get confusing, so we need to differentiate between the two. About a month or so ago, reports were coming out that Skank-Paris and her parents flew to Europe to meet his family. But, RichDude-Paris’ parents found out that Skank-Paris really is a skank, and did not want their son to marry her. So when it came time for the parents to meet, RichDude-Paris’ parents refused to meet with Skank-Paris’ parents. Skank-Paris’ parents felt that it was extremely insulting that they flew half way around the world to be stood up, but I think they should take it from the other family’s perspective – I would have been insulted if my son was engaged to a humungous skank like Skank-Paris. Anyway, then it comes out in the news that Skank-Paris was mad that RichDude-Paris did not stand up to his parents for her. Weeks later, Skank-Paris releases a statement saying that she broke off the engagement with him, which I think we all know is a complete lie. Remember when you were in junior high and when someone broke up with you, you went around telling people that you were really the one that broke it off, or that it was “totally mutual”? Yeah, I love how some people never grow up. It’s fun.

Speaking of never growing up… Saddam Hussein went on trial yesterday, for the first of fourteen trials. The one he went on for yesterday was an older offense, but it has the most substantial evidence, including film, signed documents and witnesses. I was trying to watch some of the trial, but the translator on Fox News really sucked. Saddam was defiant, kept referring to himself as the “current President of Iraq” and said he did not recognize the hearing because it was backed by the U.S. Strangely enough, I found a pretty good article about it on MTV – there isn’t much opinion, just the facts, stated plainly and nicely. Because there is the high potential for assassinations, a couple of back-up groups have been appointed, just in case attorneys and judges are killed. Of course, Iraqis are divided over the issue, with some saying they don’t recognize the U.S.-backed trial, and others saying they want revenge for all of the people Saddam killed over the past three decades. It’s going to be a long process.

Indiana Jones 4 continues to move forward, with Michelle Yeoh to appear in Indy 4. Lucas and Spielberg are hard at work and according to the Indy Experience Website, the script should be finished. All I know is, they need to hurry up because I’ve seen Harrison Ford lately, and he’s old. And when I say “old”, I mean that his man-boobs are out of control, and the world is not ready for an old, man-boobed, transgender Indiana Jones, even in our modern society. I admit that this could very well be because he wants to do a breast-transplant to Calista Flockhart, but I think this is highly unlikely. Hurry George – and don’t let this suck like the Star Wars Prequels.

And now for some thoughts on music. In 1995, Alanis Morrisette released her first U.S. album, “Jagged Little Pill”. Prior to this, she was the Britney Spears of Canada. She has since released a couple of other albums, such as “MTV Unplugged” which is basically Jagged Little Pill acoustic, and then a couple of CD’s that no one bought. Now, completely desperate for attention, last year she released an acoustic version of “Jagged Little Pill” (aka “MTV Unplugged Some More”) distributed solely by Starbucks. And now a Greatest Hits CD. I was flipping through the channels the other night, and as you can already guess if you’ve read this website before, I landed on MTV. Lo and behold, there was Alanis, singing a “new” song from her upcoming Greatest Hits CD. I say the word “new” in quotes because it wasn’t her song at all – it was an old Seal song called “Crazy”. This is a smart marketing ploy for Alanis because, as the only CD people care about is her old “Jagged Little Pill” crap, and I am just going to take a wild guess that the Greatest Hits CD is going to be different versions of the “Jagged Little Pill” stuff with a couple of covers. In fact, if there’s still time I would like to propose that the title of the album is changed to “More Versions of Jagged Little Pill and Other People’s Stuff”. But hey, only if there’s time, and you won’t have to pay me any royalties. My services, for the most part, are free.

That concludes this week’s news summary. If you’ve got anything newsworthy that you’d like me to talk about, or you want to set me straight on anything, comment below or shoot me an email.