Ask Blue Midget Absolutely Nothing

by blue midget

Well, it’s been quite a while since I’ve received any emails to my Ask Blue Midget address, which is a big problem for my “Ask Blue Midget” column. Therefore, I will have to resort to sending myself emails.

Dear Myself,

What did you do this weekend?

Your pal,

Hi Pal! Thanks for sending me an email. You know, I feel so close to you, like I could tell you anything. In fact, I’m going to upgrade you from “pal” to “best friend evar”! We’ll be a dynamic duo – like Britney Spears and Cheetos!

I had a great weekend! On Friday I did a lot of homework while listening to the two brats upstairs. At one point in the evening, something strange came over me! I marched out into the hallway, up the stairs and started pounding on the wall outside of their apartment. Finally, the father came outside and stared at me like I had a booger on my nose, but I am pretty sure that I didn’t. He was gaping at me as if he wanted some sort of explanation for all the pounding so, calmly, while I was still pounding on the wall, I said to him, “I’m just trying to give you an idea of what it sounds like inside my apartment, except that it’s above your head and usually accompanied by screaming in Japanese, which I cannot understand, but it sounds something like, ‘AAAAH YIYIYIYI CHICKA WAH WAH BLAH HI-YAH CHIN CHONG FRIED RICE YAH HOW AAAAAH!’ This, now that I think about it, sounds strangely similar to either karate-porn or George Bush trying to order some take-out. Whatever it sounded like to my upstairs neighbor, his two sons and wife were now poking their heads out from the door, and they were all staring at me like I was deranged. Meanwhile, I’m still pounding on the wall. He started wrangling the family back inside and was retreating to the safety of his apartment when I called out to him that if he wanted to talk some more, I’d be right outside.

After they shut the door, I went back downstairs and finished my homework in peace. By the time I wrapped everything up it was pretty late, so I went to bed.

On Saturday I went to school, where I take classes with a lot of idiots. I like to sit on the far side of the room with more of the adult-types, away from the kids. This is mostly because their conversations make you dumber, just for overhearing them. For example, one of them was talking again, like he always is, and was saying all kinds of stupid things about the recent earthquake disaster. I think his words were something like, “The earthquake isn’t on the news – no one knows about it.” And all of his idiot friends sitting around him were agreeing, saying that nothing is on the news. Immediately my I.Q. started to drop and I was trying to tune him out when the moron tries to share more of his worldly knowledge with: “Hey, what happened to Saddam Hussein? Isn’t he dead?” To which one of his friends perked up immediately with an authoritative voice saying, “Yes, he is.” But before I could start banging my head on the desk to make it stop, class was over. I threw all my stuff into my bags and ran out of the room.

When I got home I made some white chocolate raspberry brownies. I don’t have the recipe with me, but I’ll try to share it at another time.

That evening my WoW guild had a raid in Blackrock Spire, so I spent the rest of the afternoon fishing for eel. My character is an alchemist, and to make a certain potion I need a certain type of fish. So for a mere two and a half hours, I was able to obtain five fish. Just to let you know how annoying this is, it takes two fish to make one potion. But that night we raided and it was fun, because basically we get to hang out with our friends, trash-talking and getting some really crappy loot that no one wants. Well, that isn’t exactly true because one of the better daggers in the game dropped, and I got a nifty belt for my shaman. But other than that, it was a whole lot of crap that no one wanted. We raided until about 1am and afterwards I went to bed.

On Sunday morning, I had every intention of getting up and going to church. But I was so tired that I didn’t. I had not heard from the children thus far, so I spent a nice quiet morning doing absolutely nothing. In fact, I can’t even remember what it was that I did. In the afternoon, I made some pretty nifty cookies that call for honey-roasted peanuts, chocolate chips, and diced bite-sized peanut butter cups, which were pretty basic, but not bad. Then I sat down to watch TV.

On Saturday night, the Sci-Fi channel was showing an all-new original Sci-Fi movie, “Dungeons and Dragons 2”. Now, I’ve noticed that whenever the Sci-Fi channel shows a new movie, it usually means bad acting, no plot, cheesy effects, and Lou Diamond-Phillips. I really wanted to watch this movie because I knew it was going to be absolutely terrible and I wanted to review it for the site, even though I was a bit reluctant after being told it was 2 1/2 hours long. However, I am willing to sacrifice myself for the site, and because I was raiding, I taped it. Do you see how I sacrifice myself for you? On Sunday afternoon I sat down to watch. Unfortunately for this movie, all of the aforementioned was true except for Lou. Too bad, because I’m thinking he would have improved it.

The movie opens with some cheesy graphics and a really bad storyline. It was like the opening to a really bad 80’s video game, bad effects with a horrible voiceover trying to suck you in to what they want you to believe is a plot – something about danger and adventure and mystery, and it really wanted to be Lord of the Rings, but was absolutely horrible. Ok, so the story opens and it’s a medieval theme – of course, because it’s Dungeons and Dragons. And there’s a duel because there’s always a duel, and the Lord goes home to his mage wife. Then! For no reason at all! A man bursts into the door of their home and gives them a strange non-gripping tale of two people from his village who got lost! Oh nos! So the Lord and his mage wife go off with this stranger for no reason at all to find the village people! They go into a strange cave where there is a green toxic mist swirling all around them. The mage wife with the big boobs jumps in front of them saying, “Get behind me!” and starts casting a spell: “Frodo! Yar yar hump hump!” The green mist goes away and they find their village people, dead. If only they had been the actual Village People, because a quick chorus of “YMCA” would have made this movie a hundred times better. But no, it was just some dead extras. Looking around some more, OH NO, Lord Han-Solo informs them that THIS IS NO CAVE! IT’S A DRAGON!!!!!1111ONEONEONE

Fifteen minutes was all I could stomach of that piece of crap and I shut it off.

That night, redshift, hulk, and I hung out and watched Old School. Then I made the long journey home (I walked across the street) and read some of a new book that I just bought at, called The Historian. It’s quite good, but I’ll review it at another time.

And that was my weekend. Thanks for emailing me. Wasn’t that fun? Let’s do this again sometime.