Headline: God working on Armaggedon, also says, “Sinners DO go to hell”

by hulk

In a surprise anouncement today, God told reporters, “The Armaggedon has already begun. It started with ‘Glitter’ and reality TV, and it will end with a massive explosion from the center of the Earth outward.”

When asked to clarify, God said, “See, I couldn’t really compete with Michael Bay. I mean that movie was AWESOME. And Liv Tyler, man she’s hot. I really dig that whole, ‘I’m an emotionless, featureless robot’ look. It went well with her relationship with Ben Affleck, where you felt absolutely no emotion for two robots pretending to have feelings for each other. Anyway, after that movie I had to scrap Plan A for the End of the World. I was going to go to Plan B but then Tom Cruise beat me to it! I mean all those aliens, well, just the sounds coming from the aliens and the bright explosions, and well, I gave up entirely. Then the four horsemen were all like, ‘Dude, are we still doing this or what? C’mon, we could be booking another gig, but you’ve got us on reserve for eternity. It’s kind of unfair.’ I realized I owed them one. On to Plan C. That whole ‘Tsunami’ thing? Yeah I did that. Then I moved on to Hurricane Katrina, then Hurricane Rita. That one was clever, I had everyone pissing themselves because they forget Texas wasn’t going to flood like New Orleans. Now I’m doing Longwang in Southeast asia. I mean, ‘Longwang’, you’d figure people would catch on that I’m screwing with them at this point.”

One reporter brought up the wildfires in LA. “Oh that’s a totally separate thing. XXX-2: State of the Union? Man did that suck! I mean Ice Cube gets an inflatable boat to leap through the air and magically blow up cop cars? Then that train nonsense? Really, I was the most pissed off at Willem Dafoe and Samuel L. Jackson. They’re better than that crap and they know it. Willem Dafoe needs to get back to playing crazy-ass gay guys, I really feel it’s his specialty.”

What’s next for the Supreme Being? “Say Goodbye to California for good. It’s been screwing up America since it was founded, sucking up all the country’s water and making crappy movies that inspire cave-dwelling suicide bombers to kill crowds of their own people just because of Barbara Streisand. That whole place needs to go. After that Canada’s gonna get it. Sure they seem all sweet and nice, but if you look in their basements, man! They are sick bastards! Underneath that happy-go-lucky ‘Welcome to Canada, Eh?’ exterior, most of them are sadistic murdering assholes. I’m sending a blight on all their maple trees. I figure it’ll take about a week for them to starve.”

Finally, God said, “Anyone even reading this post is gonna burn with the author.”