Catching Up On the News

by blue midget

It’s been a couple of weeks since I have delved out the news lowlights. There’s a reason for that, and a really good one too: I was sick of it. Everywhere you turned, it was nothing but Katrina and Rita. And more Katrina. And even more Rita. But I can’t procrastinate any longer because we really should catch up on current events. Unfortunately there isn’t much out there that’s really funny, but I’ll try my best.

Vice President Dick Cheney has had a long history of serious health problems. This weekend, he went in for surgery for knee aneurysms. According to the hospital, his surgery went smoothly and without complication. Apparently he was only scheduled for one knee, but during the surgery, his doctors decided to do the second. Cheney was released from the hospital, walking without assistance. Moving slowly and rigidly to the car, he looked, strangely enough, like Anakin Skywalker after his transformation to Darth Vader. I’m not alluding to anything; I’ll let you draw your own conclusions to that. At any rate, Vice President Darth Cheney worked from home yesterday, recuperating from the surgery. He is expected to be back at work soon, where his first action will be to head down to the D.C. police department and Force Choke Cindy Sheehan.

Fox TV’s “Head Cases,” starring Chris O’Donnell and Adam Goldberg, the completely unfunny television show about two lawyers who are released from an institution and forced to work together, was cancelled after only two airings. And there was much rejoicing.

And the visual you could have lived without: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher got married. I’m just waiting for Bruce Willis to jump out of nowhere with a bunch of TV cameras shouting, “You got punked!” The Superficial reflects upon this strange union with the following sentiment:

“I know a lot of people think that this marriage is creepy because she’s 15 years older than him, but those people are just stupid. Everyone knows that only parts of Demi Moore are older than Ashton Kutcher. Most of the other parts are actually way younger. If you think about it, he’s sort of marrying three 14-year-old girls who just happen to be grafted onto a 42-year-old’s body. And even though that sounds gross, you have to admit that it’s kind of hot too. Kind of really hot. And, okay, maybe a little gross. Actually, yeah, mostly just gross. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Oh, Superficial. How I love thee.

This past Thursday, the House of Representatives met to discuss whether or not the FEC should regulate political blogging. This is completely boring, but important. If you care, take a gander at this blog-article about the regulation of political blogging about bloggers who blog politically. Yeah. This may seem rather dull, but Freedom of Speech is worth fighting for, as the Chinese government now reminds us. The Chinese regime has been oppressing its people for a very long time now, in matters of health, politics, religion, and many other things that most people take for granted. Their people are starving, living in abject poverty, without rights to protect themselves from a system that abuses them. The government does not care for the wellbeing of their people in any way, and never has. What the Chinese government cares about is maintaining the infrastructure of their government as a singular independent entity. China has basically alienated itself from the world, relying upon no one. Oh sure, they’ll welcome western business because it’s another source of income. But remember: We believe we need them; they don’t need us. At any rate, their latest crusade is cracking down on internet blogging. A very interesting website called “Reporters Sans Frontiers” or “Reporters Without Borders” has much to say on the subject. In a report from 2003, they write:

“Whether state or privately-owned, news sites such as,, and have set up arrays of filters that enable them to systematically screen out messages containing words banned by the authorities. The moderators of discussion forums have the job of ridding the site of messages that don’t conform to the rules set by the authorities on news content. Sites can also exclude a Internet user deemed ‘not politically correct’ or too vulgar. Finally, teams have been established within the public security department to monitor ‘subversive’ elements using the Internet in China who, as a last resort, are arrested. According to some estimates, around 30,000 people are employed in this gigantic apparatus of monitoring and censorship.”

In an attempt to stop anti-government sentiments citizens are spreading on the internet, on September 25, the Chinese government issued 11 new rules or “Commandments” as some are calling them, which websites must adhere to. They are banned from putting out news that :

1. Violates the basic principles of the Chinese constitution
2. Endangers national security, leaks national secrets, seeks to overthrow the government, endangers the unification of the country
3. Destroys the country’s reputation and benefits
4. Arouses national feelings of hatred, racism, and endangers racial unification
5. Violates national policies on religion, promotes the propaganda of sects
6. Diffuses rumors, endangers public order and creates social uncertainty
7. Diffuses information that is pornographic, violent, terrorist, or linked to gambling
8. Libels or harms people’s reputation, violates people’s legal rights
9. Includes illegal information bounded by law and administrative rules
10. It is forbidden to encourage illegal gatherings, strikes, etc to create public disorder
11. It is forbidden to organize activities under illegal social associations or organizations

Basically what this is saying is, if you are Chinese, you can’t say a damn thing. Do you need a reminder about why the United States is so great? Because you can tell everyone that you think the country sucks, and no one will throw your ass in jail for it. If you would like to read more, I would recommend the “Reporters Without Borders” website. You can find it here.

Abu Azzam, the #2 guy in al-Qaeda, was killed on Sunday in a joint raid between Iraq and U.S. military. Good thing this happened, so the nation can remember to care about it again.

The nomination for John Roberts as Chief Justice will go forward, and now everyone sets their sights on Bush’s next nomination. The President alluded that he will nominate someone who is a woman or minority. You’d think that this would make everyone happy, however, that sound you hear is the continued weeping and gnashing of teeth by the entire liberal community.

In music news (and I use the word “music” loosely), the Pussycat Dolls debuted their album at #5 last week. What this means is, people enjoy ugly, scantily clad chicks with no talent. It’s pretty much what Paris Hilton’s CD will be, but with a ton more skanks. Actually, I am not giving Paris enough credit. If you had to weigh out skankiness, and put Paris on one side of the scale and all the Pussycat Dolls on the other, I’m sure Paris would totally outweigh with the amount of skank she’s got going on. Anyway, I haven’t listened to the Pussycat Dolls CD, but I did experience the most painful three minutes of my life while I watched their video for “Don Cha”, which is a video about ugly girls on parade. The best looking chick in the group is the big black one who raps – ha ha, I kill me! The lyrics were so retarded that I thought they were written by an eight-year old. The verses are very simple; one girl sings a short line and then the other girls repeat it. It is quite obvious that this technique is done for people who were dropped on their heads a lot as children and cannot remember words. You can tell by their deformed faces and misshapen heads. I tried a Google image search for the Pussycat Dolls, and I got a picture of Ronald McDonald in my search results. I’m going to let that speak for itself.

Speaking of people who were dropped on their heads, something absolutely dreadful has happened: My Evil Nemesis has returned. When this person disappeared, I kept thinking to myself over the years, “Perhaps I should find a new person who is worthy of being my Evil Nemesis.” But I couldn’t do it. Something inside me must have known that one day they would return. This is indeed a dubious honor, for a person can really only have one Evil Nemesis, only one Dr. Evil, in their life. So when you choose who this person is, it has to count. Somehow I always knew she would return. The reports were that she had recorded an album and her label didn’t like it, saying there was no single on the record, and shelved it. But I knew that she was out there, in the darkness, waiting. And now, after six years, she has returned. I cannot help but express this like William Shatner having an epileptic seizure: “Fiona… Apple… is back… Why God!… Why!…” Don’t remember who she is? She’s the chick who used to write bad piano songs in her underwear. When her first record, Tidal, was released, her label also released a poster of her with a blank, wide-eyed stare, trying to keep her shirt on. I mean, look at this poster for God’s sake! “Oops, I was prancing about in the forest like a dumb bimbo and my top inexplicably fell off!”

Apparently what happened was, the album she had recorded six years ago was “leaked” out onto the internet. A radio station in Seattle got a hold of it and played it, telling everyone the story that Fiona had finished a record and her label shelved it. Fans went crazy and sent a bunch of Styrofoam apples to her label and even picketed outside the building of her label. See? Didn’t I tell you that Seattle breeds weirdos? Anyway, I kept my vigil, waiting for a sign, warning me of impending bad music. It arrived last week. Fiona Apple is on the cover of Entertainment Magazine with Sheryl Crow. And the truth did not surprise me at all: She was going back and forth on whether or not she wanted to release a third album and shelved it herself. HA! Back when she received the MTV Best New Artist Award, her speech was, “This is bullsh*t!” Yeah, well, so are you, Fiona. I’ve been keeping my vigil, Evil Nemesis.