Celebrities Are Bat Shiat Crazy

by blue midget

At some point in celebrities’ useless lives, they cease to exist as celebrities and become brand names. This disturbing trend is becoming more and more commonplace and the rest of us “little people” can’t seem to get enough. The media is completely obsessed with the goings-on of the rich and famous, stalking them day and night, photographing them everywhere they go and reporting any rumor they can get their grubby little hands on, no matter how insane. Television shows are dedicated solely to reporting the amount of money celebs spend on clothing, where they went on vacation or how much their spectacularly stupid weddings cost; complete with timer to tell you how long the marriage lasted. The paparazzi thrives because a lot of people are infatuated with the goings on of the world’s celebrities – and how much we can make fun of them. I’m one of those people.

The Rise and Degradation of Britney Spears

Britney Spears has released a new perfume, the second fragrance of her beauty product line. This came as a huge shock to me because, judging from her recent appearance, I thought her to be the last person on earth to have any association with beauty products, let alone an entire line of products. Although it’s not as if Britney is actually throwing herself into a think-tank with scientists and beauticians to brainstorm these commodities: that would be cosmetic powerhouse Elizabeth Arden, and Britney’s name is simply the brand. Sadly, Britney is not smart enough to think of those things on her own.


Her website statement says of the new scent: “It was created with all kinds of enchanting scents and flavors like lush red lychee, golden quince, sensual woods and exotic kiwi. It even has a hint of cupcakes, white chocolate and jasmine.”

When I first read this, I saw right through it and laughed. Hard. This statement was obviously written by two different people because those sentences do not go together at all. The first description was probably written by a marketing person with a dictionary because I don’t think Britney even knows what lychee is, let alone quince. Although I must ask the question: What in the hell are “sensual woods”? Knowing Britney and Cletus, it probably has something to do with making out in a forest with a stick up your butt while all the wild animals watch. Whatever it is, it doesn’t sound very sensual to me. Maybe she’s into that sort of thing – whatever, she and Cletus can keep it to themselves.

The second sentence definitely smacks of the Brit-ster: “a hint of cupcakes”!? Who in the hell wants to be doused in the smell of cupcakes? No one except Kirstie Allie. The second sentence has to be a mistake. I think what happened was, Britney was making a statement about her new fragrance and, when asked what it smelled like, drew a complete blank. I can totally see that happening. I mean, “golden quince” is hard to memorize if you’re a down-to-earth white trash chick who’s just trying to make her way in the world. The poor girl probably just blurted out the first two things that came to mind, most likely because she was craving another junk food binge. I would consider the Britney Spears PR people lucky, for had she continued on that train of thought, she probably would have added that it also smelled of “tasty, cheesy Cheetos and yummy cigarettes”. Small blessings, I say.

The Ego Formerly Known as Puff Daddy

Everyone saw it coming; it was just a matter of time. Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs, aka “P-Diddy”, is now insisting that everyone simply refer to him as “Diddy”. I have an idea: Why don’t we just get it over with and start calling him “King Peen” from now on? That’s where we’re heading, isn’t it?

The media doesn’t always cast people in the best light, and I’ve been waiting for “Diddy” to counter the “I’m the most awesome person in the world” persona we’ve seen him portray, but it hasn’t happened. I gave up right about the time he was asked to present someone with an award, but reportedly would not attend the ceremony unless they gave him an award too. So of course, he received an award. Had it been me, I would have told him to go f*ck right off, but that’s just me. Perhaps it was decided that he really did deserve one because of all of his achievements? Truthfully, the guy has and is building a monument of achievements but for no reason other than to claim he is the greatest person ever.

Many bad ideas have built the Diddy Tower of Babel, and although they truly have been pointless events created solely for the “Bad Boy” resume, his paid sycophants and lackeys would never say so. Sean Combs is no longer an artist: He is a brand name, a business, an empire. No matter what he does, the press will report it and people will spend money on it. When Diddy comes to the table with another ridiculous and pointless idea, you’re not looking at a man; you’re looking at dollar signs. At this point Diddy could scoop up one of his poops and sell it on eBay just so he could claim that his poop was the biggest and smelliest in the history of the world – no, the UNIVERSE! Then he would have to launch his very own Bad Boy satellite to carry the message of his having the biggest poop ever, and any alien who wanted to challenge him could come to earth for a televised Crap-Off, courtesy of Pay-Per-View.

Until then, we’re getting dumb ideas like “The Bad Boys of Comedy” on HBO, an hour of comedians who get to come out on stage and kiss Diddy’s ass while trying to be funny. There really is no point to this show other than to add something else to the resume. Oh, the oft-told tale of pride: It comes right before the fall. Be wary, Diddy.

I crown thee, King Peen.

Gwen Stefani Wants to Dress You Up Like a Clown

Everyone is in love with Gwen Stefani, except for me. I can’t figure out what the infatuation is. She got her big start as the lead singer of “No Doubt” and then, last year, broke off for a solo act called “Love. Angel. Music. Baby.”, continuing to sweep the world with her sense of style and fashion. Whoa, wait a minute. I meant “looking like a cross between a clown and a hobo”. Sorry about that.

Her new clothing line, “L.A.M.B.”, debuted last week, featuring flower prints and details like padlocks and chains, and is based on the style of Harajuku girls. In case you aren’t sure what that looks like, click here. Based on this, I am pretty sure that she wants everyone around her to look like a baboon’s ass so then, in comparison, she won’t look so deranged. In fact, Gwen was recently quoted saying, “I’m not being treated like a celebrity wannabe fashion designer. But even if I was, it doesn’t really matter because I’m doing this for me.” See?