This Week’s Report: The Crap No One Cares About

by blue midget

Once again, it’s time for another weekly news update. But this time, politic-lite. Truth be told, I’m getting sick of writing about politics, and I think everyone’s getting sick of reading it. Besides, that’s why you read my articles, right? Because I bring you all the news that no one gives a rat’s ass about. So, let’s get down to the more interesting stuff that you may have missed.

If you live in a freaking cave or just don’t care about sports, you may have missed the NFL Kickoff. The game was preceded by a one hour concert of a strangely chosen mix of artists that no one really cared about, especially after Ozzy Osbourne got on stage and kicked the ever-living crap out of everyone with his performance. I’m not even a big Ozzy fan and I have to say that he was absolutely amazing. The guy is nearing 60, and he’s still kicking our asses. Of course, he looks like an extra from Night of the Living Dead with his phosphorescent skin and wickedly black eyeliner, but he could still rock your ass with the greatest of ease. In fact, I was absolutely amazed at how easy he made it look. About half way through his performance, I couldn’t help but think, “Ozzy’s almost 60 and he’s doing this so naturally, and Ashlee Simpson can’t even lip sync correctly .”

Yeah, I really was thinking that. By the way, has anyone else noticed that her website is called “ashleesimpsonmusic.com”? There’s a joke in there somewhere, but she already has so much more to laugh at that I don’t think we should linger. For some reason, MTV is letting her come back for another season of her stupid reality show that no one watches or cares about. I think the only thing the world will be watching is her reappearance on Saturday Night Live, since she botched the first one up so bad. In fact, there are quite a few petitions out on the net, begging, in fact, pleading, for anyone who can to stop her from “singing.” Yeah, she hurts me too.

Speaking of hurt, Steve Guttenburg is allegedly going to be making another Police Academy. I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news or anything but, I think God has forsaken us.

In Pedophile news, Michael Jackson has written a new song for Hurricane Katrina relief, and Mariah Carey is going to sing it. Er, wait a minute. Did I really say “relief” and “Mariah Carey” in the same sentence? Well damn, I meant “obnoxious screeching from a psychopathic slut in high heels and a mini-skirt.” Sorry for the mix-up, everyone.


Mr. T is returning to the media front in the upcoming Rocky VI, in a gripping story between two geriatric ex-boxers who fight to the death by having a big chicken fight with their wheelchairs but then they collide and one of the boxers falls out and the other one runs him over with his wheelchair and dies – it’s a tragic story of American heroes!!!!! Ok, that’s really not the story at all, but I’ve got a funny feeling that I’m not too far off. Mr. T will return as Clubber Lang, who is now a fight commentator. Aside from the movie, Mr. T is also going to have his own TV show coming uh, sometime… unfortunately I wasn’t interested enough to find out the date or details.

Something that I am interested in watching is Fox Television’s new police-mystery-drama-ala-CSI series, “Bones”, starring David Boreanaz, the weird guy from “Buffy” and “Angel” whose name I cannot pronounce. The show is based on a successful series of books written by Kathy Reichs, a forensic anthropologist. The first show airs tonight.

In Scientific news, God had help. Results from the Tempel 1 Comet Impact have given scientists key insights into how Earth formed: high levels of organic materials were found after the blast, supporting the theory that comets had a big part to play in life on our planet.

In One-Handed Typing News For Perverts, gorgeous Heidi Klum has another baby boy, just to remind men everywhere that they don’t have a chance.

The producers of the James Bond series are having a difficult time finding a new 007 to fill the slot after they gave Pierce Brosnan the boot. I’m guessing they thought Brosnan was the problem with sluggish sales. Now there’s no reason to get nasty or point fingers or name names, so I’ll be subtle: Halle Berry sucks. Sorry, it’s the best I can do with subtlety. Rumors have circulated around Julian McMahon being offered the gig, but was turned down with hearty laughing and pointing when his agents demanded too much money. Now it’s rumored that they’re back to Brosnan.

In case anyone’s forgotten because we’re so focused on Hurricane Katrina and John Roberts, we still have Americans in Iraq. I just wanted to throw that out, in case we’ve got anyone with short-term memory out there.

South Korea has returned to negotiations with North Korea, in pursuit of peace. The article I just linked is worth the read for the history refresh on the Korean War, in case anyone needs the reminder on why everyone out there is so pissed at each other. War does that. South Korea would like to go forth with peace if North Korea will abandon the nuclear weapons program it has recently reinstated.

Over two million people in Los Angeles were without power for two hours when a utility worker accidentally cut a power line. Because it just so happened to be the day after the anniversary of 9/11, it caused quite a panic. In other news, L.A. sucks.

Last but not least, Sunday marked the fourth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Ceremonies and memorials were observed throughout the day, but many people were offended and pissed off, and turned the day into a truly American day where we can exercise our right to yell at each other about our convictions and beliefs. It’s a wonderful thing – after all, what a person believes is what makes them who they are. And we, as a nation, are blessed to be able to have that freedom.

Go America. Support Freedom. Down with Ashlee Simpson.