Escape from New Orleans

by blue midget

Someone get on the horn and call Snake Plissken. Just when we thought the devistation from Hurricane Katrina couldn’t get any worse, it did. What more can I say that hasn’t already been said? The area is destroyed, homes and lives are devastated, families are separated and the dead are everywhere, threatening the living with sickness… And somehow, assholes are making matters worse. Reports are coming in of bands of young men raping women, police no longer tolerating looting, even if it’s for food — which is ironic because earlier in the week, there were reports of police looting going on. I ask you: Why in the hell is it that when we are faced with tragedy, danger and anarchy, a handful of assholes see fit to make things worse? If aliens exist on other planets, it’s little wonder as to why they avoid Earth.

And here I am, ready to hit you with another PSA: When the water has been pumped out and the city has been cleaned, don’t forget that many of these people were in poverty conditions to begin with and will have no money to rebuild their homes. Right now it’s estimated that the water in New Orleans will be drained within 36 – 80 days. When that happens, the people who were too impoverished to have insurance on their homes will have nowhere to go. Many, many people will need your help as much as they do right now. When the water is gone and relief seems near, don’t forget.

Also, if you have not yet heard, rapper Kayne West has his head up his ass. A celebrity telethon was being held to raise funds for the hurricane victims, and because Kayne West is now suddenly en vogue, he was paired up with Mike Meyers to speak. Instead of sticking to the script, he turned it into his own political agenda, saying George Bush hates black people and that the only reason the government hasn’t moved sooner to help is because the people in trouble are black. Unfortunately, he probably would have done a lot more good had he just stuck to the script instead of turning it into a Bush-jihad. I’d like to take this time to point out that if this had happened in California, it would have been predominantly Latino and if it had somehow miraculously happened in Kentucky, it would have been predominantly white trash. It’s the demograph.

Responding to the criticism, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is currently in the disaster area, telling people like Kayne West to STFU. She did, however, address the criticism that the government did not do enough to evacuate the poor, saying that for a natural disaster such as this, the government will need to have plans in effect to evacuate the poor and elderly in the future. Condi Rice isn’t afraid to respond: She’s got a pair of brass balls under that skirt, and if put up against Kayne West, she’d probably knock him out in the second round. My money’s on Condi.

Also in the news, Chief Justice William Rehnquist has passed away. He was 80 years old, and was surrounded by his family when he passed. President George W. Bush will now have the rare opportunity to appoint two Justices to the Supreme Court. Liberals everywhere are peeing their pants.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer picks a fight with Google, saying, “I am going to f***ing kill Google.” Apparently this ongoing spat is about a Microsoft employee who quit and went to work for Google the next day. The worker is quoted as saying “Steve Ballmer sucks in bed, so I left him for Google.” Ok that’s really not what happened, but it makes for a better story. In any case, I think the only reason Steve Ballmer is doing this because he wants to prove to the business world that he really does have a large wiener, but I’m not buying it.

In more international fun, Iran gives everyone the finger when they refuse to halt their nuclear production, basically claiming that everyone was mean to them. Next time let’s use our “please” and “thank you” words, people.

And now for something completely sickening: A new theory on the origin of Mad Cow Disease is that it came from humans. The proposed argument is that the disease was introduced from India, where the dead are cremated and then their remains are thrown into a river. In some cases, families cannot afford cremations so they’re throwing entire bodies into the water. And for Indian families, gathering bones is a means of making money, so they’re picking up all kinds of bones… which are ground down and sold to the UK as part of a cattle feed. Eew. Try not to barf up the burger you had for dinner. In the comments section, we’ll start trading our vegetarian recipes. Here’s something I thought was rather funny though: A single Canadian scientist says the theory is plausible. Now there’s a huge flurry of Canadian news regarding this issue because one guy agreed that it is possible. I guess for Canada, there can be only one.

A video broadcast on an Iraqi television channel was from a terrorist who claimed the July 4 bombings in the UK were linked to al-Qaeda. Even more frightening is that authorities believe the video was filmed in Britain.

In news that people couldn’t care less about, Snoop Dogg is suing Chrysler for “misappropriating his image and speech pattern in its advertisements.” Maybe he should have figured that his image would have been in question because he was standing on a golfing green wearing the most ghey pink outfit ever, giving the world a look at one of the most ugly golfing swings. I’m not an expert on what’s “street,” but I’m going to take a wild guess that the pink ensemble isn’t it. As for his “speech patterns,” it’s a relief to me that I’m not the only one confused about what he’s saying because every time the Chrysler commercials come on, I need subtitles at the bottom of the screen. I’m guessing the Chrysler marketing department was pretty damn confused when the original film came in and didn’t know how to edit it based on the fact that Snoop Dogg doesn’t speak any English. In fact, I didn’t even know that his whole “izzle” thing was considered a “speech pattern”; I thought it was some side effect from smoking eight thousand tons of marijuana. Thank God we’ve got that cleared up because now I can go on with my life.

Now that Green Day has swept the MTV awards, people everywhere are tricked into thinking that they are a good band. Articles are popping out of the woodwork to review what a timeless treat they are – ok I can’t type this with a straight face. Ahem. Green Day definitely keeps it simple: They have three members. They only know three chords. Okay, okay, I’ll back off. Don’t bother sending me your hate mail because I won’t read it.