by blue midget
In the formative years of our schooling, our teachers labored in vain, striving to teach the rules of life through the means of math and science. And as children, we didn’t understand. Instead, we mocked them and ridiculed them and didn’t do our homework. We repeatedly asked the question that would come back to haunt us later in life: “Why am I learning this if I will never apply it to real life?” And we were wrong to challenge, so very wrong.
Today, those who dare defy math and science walk among us every day. It is a cruel reminder of how we scorned the knowledge given so freely in our youth. It is also a tragedy.
I find these individuals mostly at the mall. Most of them are women. This, of course, has nothing to do with the archaic prejudice that women just aren’t good at math and science. Oh no, many women are just fine at math and science; it’s just that many of them have disconnected the principles of math and science with what they’re wearing. Or, should I say, have attempted to squeeze their fat asses into.
You see, the fashion of the season is for pants that dip past the butt crack, and as usual, these fashions are for anorexic girls wearing a size “negative ten.” This is fine for Fiona Apple and all other coke-fiend look-alikes, but for normal sized people (simply put, there is no such thing as normal sized or normal shaped people), this just isn’t going to happen. And yet, women all over the Americas attempt to follow in this disturbing trend.
Allow me to explain. In our society today we, irrespective of gender, have a tendency to feel dissatisfied with our physical appearance. Many of us go to great lengths to improve our appearance. For many women, it is the attempt to squeeze their butts into a pair of pants two sizes too small. Here is where we find the disconnect between science and daily life. You may remember this from Junior High science:
Matter can neither be created nor destroyed.
So, you see, you’ve managed to squeeze yourself into the pants that are two sizes too small, but since matter can neither be created nor destroyed, your fat ass has been squeezed up into your waist and you’re looking like a s’more that’s been sat upon and all the marshmallow is being squeezed out of the sides. When you’ve accomplished this feat and your pants are fastened, you feel great, and continue your ensemble with a short, tight shirt, which accents your middle that’s spilling out over your pants like the cheese on a quarter pounder. My message to you is clear: This only makes you look even more out of proportion and large. Also, you look like a moron.
There are clothes out there that fit. Wear them.