This Week in the News: No One Gives a Crap

by blue midget

There has been a longtime trend in the U.S. of younger Americans not taking an interest in following the general news. My hunch is that this is most likely what keeps so many from voting at election time. According to the U.S. Census, in the 2004 elections, only 51.5% of U.S. residents between 18 – 24 years registered to vote, and of those, only 41.9% actually voted. Of course, during every election year, a hundred celebrities will stand up on MTV and work themselves into a media frenzy in order to promote themselves – I mean, trying to get young people to vote. Election after election, they’re out there trying to “rock the vote” and nothing is being rocked except for their wallets. The problem is the obvious: MTV isn’t out there educating anyone on what the issues are. Instead, everyone is out there for the publicity and to make a buck, and it is showing in the polls. My wish is that someone would get out there and arm the general public for the elections, so when the time comes and the onslaught of media erupts, people would be armed and ready.

Well, someone other than Jon Stewart. In the “Who Can Make More Fun of George Bush” contest, he definitely wins first prize. There isn’t anything wrong with this if you’re a huge liberal and you hate Republicans. But if you’re a conservative like me, the Republican jokes get a little old. According to a statistic I heard during the last election, a large percentage of the 18 – 24 voting demographic gets most of their newsworthy information from satirical sources, the largest one being Jon Stewart. This frightens me, as he generally adds his liberal slant on all things. But I’ve got to hand it to him, he’s giving our young people something that they want to watch – he’s keeping them up on the news (sort of), and he’s giving them a good time while watching. When I was in that demographic, I didn’t pay attention to what was happening, and I found the news rather dull, boring, and extremely repetitive. Actually I still do, but it’s important to me that I know generally what is happening in the world. I hate to say it, but Jon Stewart is sort of on the right track – we need people informing the general public in an entertaining way.

There is a general feeling of apathy that also irritates me. In the aftermath of the 9/11 tragedy, people have said to me, “I really don’t care about the 9/11 thing. I mean, it doesn’t affect me. I live on the other side of the country so why should I care?” This may sound pretty extreme, but this is a general feeling held by a lot of people that when things do not directly affect them, they don’t care. And I don’t mind saying that if you’re one of these people, you’re an ignorant, selfish ass. Sorry. Wake up and take a little more notice of what’s happening in your world, even if it just means going to Google News and scanning down the headlines – that can tell you more than an entire day of watching CNN or Fox News.

It is my expectation that all Halffull readers vote at least in the Presidential Elections and have a general idea about what’s happening on planet Earth. If you don’t, I will help you. Here is the recap of what’s currently going on:

The MTV Video Awards was held last night in Miami, Florida. Once again, everyone who sucks won. Prior to the event, as the celebrities walked the red carpet, I happened to be flipping channels when they interviewed Jessica Alba briefly. The interviewer said, “We really lucked out with the weather here in Miami,” to which Jessica Alba replied, “Yeah, no rain. It allows us to wear less than normal clothing.” The interviewer blinked and said, “Uh, yeah…” Obviously no one clued Jessica in to the fact that a HUGE FOOKING HURRICANE is bearing down on the area. Hurricane Katrina has weakened to a category 3 (125-mph winds), but it’s still very dangerous and is moving inland. All of New Orleans has been evacuated at this point so Trent Reznor may show up on your doorstep with a satchel tied to a stick, looking for a place to stay. Anyway, I’m guessing Jessica Alba’s publicist decided not to inform her about the hurricane because she might have worn something a little more appropriate for the weather, such as a life preserver or perhaps even the state of Nebraska, as it is nowhere near the hurricane. CNN and Fox News feel that there is nothing else newsworthy happening, as they reported on this all day yesterday, non-stop. In other news, hundreds of reporters die in New Orleans from Hurricane Katrina.


Richard Butler, former leader of the Aryan Nation group, has died of a massive heart attack. In honor of this event, here at Halffull.org we’re going to party like it’s 1999. Have fun burning in Hell, Mr. Butler. By the way, I hope your heart attack hurt like a bitch.

President Bush addressed the nation concerning our future in Iraq. His message was clear: We’re sticking it out in Iraq, so all liberals should shut the hell up. And right on cue, Cindy Sheehan has come back into the media, heading up the war-protesting front. She was gone for a bit because her mother had a stroke, but after 10 days she’s back and bitching up a storm for your enjoyment. Hooray.

Speaking of Iraq, the new government has been hard at work coming up with the new constitution which the Sunnis are rejecting. In short, this is bad.

In other International Relations, relations are mild with a light chance of rain. North Korea was in the process of talking about its nuclear activities, but got pissy with the U.S. about some military exercises with South Korea and the not-so-subtle reminders that their human rights policy is pretty much non-existent and sucks ass. It is generally known among other nations that when you want to have a hissy fit, you should just blame the U.S. for breathing in the wrong direction and other nations will console you and tell you how horrible we are for existing.

Along that vein, French President Jacques Chirac tries to reason with Iran regarding its nuclear policies. Because, you know, France is a powerful force to be reckoned with and should be taken seriously. I’m not even sure who brought them to the conversation in the first place, since it’s well known that these guys actually support terrorists. If I were Iran, I’d probably mail Chirac a bomb and then laugh about it with all my little terrorist friends. Just kidding. I’d tell France that I would stop making bombs, but I wouldn’t really. Then I’d send President Chirac a bouquet of bottle rockets, just to keep him guessing.

Israel once again extends a major olive branch when it pulled Israeli settlements out of Gaza. This is a huge deal because over thirty years ago, the Israeli government took control of Gaza and moved settlements into the area. Now, the settlers are being forced to leave by the same people who told them to move there. At any rate, this is a monumental step towards peace, as the hope for a Palestinian state living peacefully, side by side with Israel, might actually come to fruition. Also, monkeys fly out of my ass and I have a bridge to sell.

The U.S. improves its relationships with other countries by allowing idiots to speak publically. Pat Robertson, a former president-wannabe and host of the Christian television program “The 700 Club” called for the assassination of the Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez. (We’re just making friends left and right here, folks.) After pissing off tons of people about it, he apologized, saying the statement came from frustration. Perhaps next time, Pat Robertson needs to check his little bracelet and ask himself, “What would Jesus do?” Because I don’t think Jesus is so hip on assassinating presidents. I bet Chavez is hoping he’ll be assassinated now, just so everyone will have one more thing to be pissed off at the U.S. about.

In entertainment, jailbird Martha Stewart is going free from house arrest this week. What really pisses me off about this is, for publicity, she’s been showing off her little ankle bracelet and making light of the situation so that everyone will forget that she is a convicted felon. Well, we won’t forget. You can make some kick ass cookies, but you’re still a liar.

For all you 24 fans like me, Sean Astin joins the cast of 24. RU-DY! RU-DY! RU-DY!

Last but not least: Train wreck or really cool? Warner launches an internet only label. The label lists many great reasons as to why artists should release their music on the internet and not as a CD, but I’m not fooled. I’m sure the price will be the same as a CD, but it will be a lot cheaper for the label. Someone’s making a lot more money and something tells me that it’s not the artist.

So there you have it, the news in short. Go forth and be informed.