More On the Bachelor Crisis

by blue midget

Three weeks ago, I set out a challenge for Halffull readers who may be affected by stink, filth, and underwear with skid marks, to send in photos of rooms that no normal person would dare enter prior to donning a biohazard suit, whether the room be yours or someone else’s. The winner (and I admit that I would probably only award the person who had a crusty, half-eaten bowl of Spaghettios somewhere in the photo) would receive a nice box of assorted cleaners and soaps, and a Halffull stein. The site stats showed that many people had read my article, a surprising number actually, and that many of the readers had either printed or emailed it. And yet, I received no photos. My assumption is that many of you were so afraid you would win the competition and the photo of your room would be posted and Jessica Simpson would miraculously find her way to this site to see it and your chances with her would be blown.

I want you all to know that this is the dumbest argument I’ve ever heard because I really don’t think Jessica Simpson knows what a computer is, let alone how to work one.

At any rate, no one emailed me photos, although I know the stink is out there, lurking among us. Or at the very least, people with some really unclean keyboards, because I checked the site stats and one of the top key phrases used to find this site is “show me pr0n” and there is no pr0n here, people. At all. However, what I did receive was a few different emails asking me for further information, as well as some embarrassing questions. Let’s get to it.

There’s no easy way to start off this one, so I’ll just come right out and say it. I received an email from a very nice, but embarrassed guy about the dreaded back-acne. Yeah, we all laugh about it in public, but it’s not uncommon. Let me start off by saying that Hollywood is a lie, and that all of the perfect, pretty people we obsess about for some dumb reason are not normal. Famous people spend thousands and thousands of dollars doing nothing but trying to look “perfect,” because our society is completely obsessed with physical appearance, and for some reason we, as a society, demand that all of our famous people we idolize are physically pleasing. If they aren’t, we make fun of them. Regular people have the same problem – if you’re hot, people look and make comments. If you’re unattractive, people look and make comments. No matter what your shape or size or look is, you really can’t win and it sucks.

Looking “hot” or “cool” is really what Hollywood people do for a living. Famous people have personal trainers that spend three or more hours a day, five or six days a week, working out with them so they can achieve some sort of physical perfection. They spend thousands of dollars on spas and make up and clothing to make them look perfect. It’s their profession. The rest of us are real people who have jobs and families and friends – I don’t have the time to spend three or four hours a day trying to achieve physical perfection: I work, I have a family, chores and other miscellaneous things to do and I have all of you to entertain so I spend my hours writing news and articles that no one cares about. (heh.) It’s my thing. In all of that, I don’t have the time or the patience to go through what Hollywood stars do. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a little bit of time to work out and stay healthy, but I can’t spend half my day working out and then the other half of my day down at the $2000-an-hour spa. And if I haven’t mentioned it before, it’s all rather dumb. What makes a person “hot” or “cool” or “trendy” now is going to change with the wind, and I don’t have the patience or income to make sure that my hair color is so totally awesome this month. It’s stupid. I know what I like and it works for me, so that’s what I go with. So forget about Hollywood and famous people and MTV, because its all garbage and those people are not good gauges for anyone’s worth or attractiveness.

On the other hand, I can completely understand where this nice guy was coming from because back-acne can be embarrassing. But I do want to stress that if you have acne on your back or chest, you aren’t alone. Most spas and beauty salons offer all kinds of skin treatment, including acne removal for your back. It’s actually quite common. They don’t do it on your chest because that is a very sensitive area, but this is a common service offered. So, you aren’t alone. If you don’t care to spend $50 on this service every couple of weeks, there’s something easier, although I’m afraid that it does involve doing laundry. It’s cheaper though, and you should see some results in a few weeks.

Ok, let’s talk about your bed. Remember the last time we talked, I mentioned that everyone has their own personal scent that they normally can’t smell? You spend a lot of time in your bed. Some more than others. Your sheets get really up close and personal with you, because while you sleep you’re perspiring and you’re shedding hair and your dead skin cells are rubbing off onto your sheets… Then there’s your pillow. Your hair has dirt and if you use hairspray or any other kind of hair stuff, it gets into your pillowcase, oil and dirt from your skin gets in there, and then there’s drool – oh, don’t deny that you’re a drooler. We know, and your secret is safe with us, Drooler. But all of that dirt and crap that’s being worked into your sheets and pillowcase are being worked into your skin at night, and you’re spending 6 – 8 hours marinating in it while you sleep. And it doesn’t matter that you’re wearing a tshirt to bed because a cotton tshirt isn’t going to stop that crap from getting to you, clogging up your pores. Tshirts aren’t some sort of magic barrier between you and your dirt; it’s only a thin layer of cotton.

Your sheets need to be washed every two weeks. Wash them, dude. If you’re uh, really active (although if you’re finding this site with the keyphrase “show me pr0n” then I’m guessing you aren’t getting any action whatsoever) then your sheets need to be washed once a week. I know you don’t like that, but it has to be done. Remember, after a couple of weeks those sheets are going to develop a scent, and more than anything else – most girls care about clean. They don’t care if your bed sheets are silk or some stupid name brand. Girls go with “at least clean and groomed,” because it’s assumed that most guys really don’t give a crap about fashion and trend anyway.

Ok, so wash your sheets every two weeks. Does it matter what kind of sheets you buy? No, not really. JCPenney always has sheets on sale and they will last you a lifetime. You can wash these over and over and they’ll last you for years. If your bed is an unusual size (for example mine is thicker than most because it’s a pillow top and it’s also longer than most) then JCPenney also has some sheets called The Bigger Bed. They come in all sorts of colors and sizes. A side note about sheet colors – girls don’t care as long as they’re clean. Get that khaki-taupe color or some off-white or some blue – whatever suits your fancy. Just keep them as clean and as ass-scent-free as you possibly can. Something else you need to pick up is a mattress protector. It will keep your oil and sweat and skin from getting onto your mattress. Think of the sheet like you do your t-shirt – the sheet is not a magic barrier between you and your mattress. If you’ve been getting all that crap on your sheets and you have no mattress protector, it’s now on your mattress. Get a mattress protector (they aren’t expensive) and make sure it’s washed once a month. Just toss it in the washing machine on hot with some soap. Just trust me on this one.

One more thing I recommend: Neutrogena has a product called Body Wash that you should use in the shower. You can pick this up at any grocery or drug store, and it’s only about $5.00. They also have a Body Scrub although I can’t verify whether or not it’s useful. The body wash is very good, but you also have to wash your sheets regularly to make it all work. One bottle will last you forever, just use it in the shower once a day.

The shower is one more thing that I want to talk about. If you’re not already doing this, some people wash their bodies first and then their hair second. The problem with this is, when you’re rinsing your hair off, all the dirt and shampoo will run down your chest and back, and needs to be washed off. So you may need to reverse your habits. Wash your hair first, then your body so you can get all the hair crap out of your skin. Rinsing it off just isn’t enough.

That’s all on the back-acne for now, Droolers. I did receive other emails, but since this subject took so long, I’ll have to save them for later.