Vanilla Ice Killed My Computer


The other night I was playing one of my WoW noobs when my computer completely froze up on me. I shut it off, waited a few seconds, and then started it up again. Unfortunately, my little magic computer gnomes decided to go AWOL. From somewhere inside my computer they said to me, “click click click click click,” at which point redshift’s head SNAPPED in the direction of my computer, then he sucked in his breath and stared up at the ceiling. After a few seconds he gave me the “put your hands in the air and step away from the computer” motion. My computer has not worked since.

Whatever happened was not my fault. Up until that point I had been playing my WoW noob, and for some reason I said something to redshift about Vanilla Ice. (I don’t remember what it was now) and he thought it would be funny to cue up the “Havin A Roni” song. If you haven’t heard this song, don’t run out and listen to it. I’ll just sum it up for you. Over and over, the Vanilla Ice repeats “What it’s like, havin a roni.” That’s the whole song, just that line. And who knows what the hell a roni is? Naturally, I take this matter to my guild. The conversation is short, and goes something like this:

Me: (redshift) is playing that Vanilla Ice song, “Havin a Roni.” WTH is a roni?!
Grimvalt: Rice-a-Roni?
Caulbraen: Maybe it’s a penis since he doesn’t have one
Grimvalt: Is it really the San Francisco treat?

And then my computer lost its will to live. Much like Padme in Star Wars: Episode III, except that my computer’s reasoning is much more substantial. On the other hand, I think I may have discovered why my guild’s new membership is down and thousands of people are flocking to the Dark Iron server to join the guys of PvP Online and Penny Arcade instead.

For those of you who haven’t heard because you either don’t play games or don’t read comic sites or possibly live in the proverbial cave, PvP Online and Penny Arcade have started opposing guilds on the Dark Iron server, where buttloads of people are flocking to join. And when I say “buttloads,” I mean BUTTLOADS. Apparently there are so many people on this server that there is an hour wait just to log in. And yet, the flood of people hasn’t stopped: A third comic site, Ctrl+Alt+Del, has hopped on the bandwagon and started their own guild on the same server, horde side, to hang out with PvP Online.

At least they’re horde. If you’re wondering, here’s a little bit of insight for some who don’t quite understand the reasoning behind why people choose the alliance. The reason people on cooperative servers or roleplaying servers choose to play alliance is because they’re a bunch of carebears who insist on playing all the pretty people. There we go, I said it. Don’t you feel better now? I do. That’s why there are more alliance than horde. I don’t get it, personally. The horde cities and characters are all very cool looking (except for female trolls – what were they thinking?) and I’d rather take “cool” and “badass” over “cute” and “pretty” any day. And that’s why I play horde. Also because there’s more alliance than there are horde, and I like being the underdog.

But back to this whole Dark Iron/website vs. website thing: I’m feeling a little left out. It’s time that we at hopped on the bandwagon too and started up our own little feud. We can’t completely copy them, so we’re going to have to pick an opponent who is a bit unexpected. Someone like The Superficial. In fact, I think that’s a great idea. They can be a massive army of night elves named “Anglinajjoliee, “BrraadPiitt,” “Brittneeyspears” and other obnoxious variants of celebrity names – except for any variants on Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, of course. As we all know, these two aren’t really human girls, they’re the evil undead and would of course need to be undead horde chicks. Tara Reid variants would have to be undead horde males. At any rate, the influx of night elves would really pose no need for concern on my server, since where I play, the night elf to horde ratio is about 800:1 anyway.

The only problem is, my guild is rather small and this site doesn’t get the traffic that, say, Penny Arcade does. We’re going to have to recruit someone to our side, someone badass and hardcore like Red vs. Blue. Cool! Then we would have a horde army of variant spellings of “Saarrgee” and “Cabboosseeee” and “Texxx.” That would be awesome! Let’s do it.

Note: This would be 100% un-awesome. I am totally kidding and am not going to do this, so please don’t send me emails asking where to sign up. Furthermore we play on Aggramar, which is not a pvp server anyway. This means if we ever went ahead and did this, The Superficial would be way too busy discussing George Clooney’s poo to haul their cookies out to XR (or “the Crossroads” for you alliance people) to fight us.

More notes: The sites listed above are sites I read regularly and respect very much, so let’s not get on some stupid crusade about how you’re going to kick my butt for defaming your favorite website. What I’m using is called “humor” and “satire.” Try it, it’s fun.


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