The Bachelor Crisis
by blue midget
It has come to my attention that the bachelors of North America are facing a crisis. Just recently I was talking to a coworker in my office, who happens to be newly-bachelorized (PC for “divorced”) as well as a single parent. We were chatting about our weekends, as coworkers do, and the conversation migrated to a subject that strikes fear into the hearts of bachelors everywhere… (enter impending doom music here)…
With some embarrassment, my coworker explained to me that eventually he’s going to have to figure out how to clean a bit more effectively around the house, and quite possibly even feed his daughter something other than McDonald’s. We laughed to ease the tension, but I felt badly for him. As this is a bit of my forte, I gave him a few great options that a budget-conscious, full-time working father could use. When the conversation was over he looked relieved and hungry for more information — and I hadn’t even given him some of my best stuff, either. Speaking with him reminded me of some of the bachelors I have encountered, and their sad, disgusting lifestyles. My coworker is not alone in his plight as a bachelor, and in fact, is much better off than most, for I have seen bachelor habits that would make the strongest disposition reach for a half-dozen barf bags. First, we must identify those bachelors who need help, and separate them from those who do not.
The bachelor sits alone in his room; it’s 2am. He hasn’t showered in two weeks, his hair crusty from oil and dirt and his clothes have a light, orange coating from Cheetos. His tightie-whities are attached to the elastic in only two places. The floor around the room is littered with clothes and plates of food, and there is barely any room to walk. His sink is piled high with dishes that have not been washed in a month and are cultivating exciting new breeds of mold he has nicknamed “Jerry” and “Frank.” Sitting on the bed, he watches reruns of The Newlyweds, wondering what Nick Lachey has that he doesn’t.
Right away, we must shed some light on this situation – it’s what you have, not what Nick has:
You have the strong smell of ass and you’re covered in Cheetos.
Face it, Jessica Simpson does not go for men who smell like ass. You could definitely get Britney Spears like that, but never Jessica Simpson.
We must break from this discussion for a minute to rescue Hulk, who is rolling around naked in a vat of Cheetos. Face it Hulk, you could never get Britney Spears. You have a well-paying job and your IQ is higher than a rock. I’m sorry. If you want, you can come over for dinner tonight and drown your sorrows in whatever is left of the beer. I’m making Italian Pizza Bake, and if it will help, I’ll let you run me over with the Warthog.
Ok now, where were we? Oh yes, you smell like ass. No, it is not lovingly referred to as your “man-scent.” Seriously, people do not like to have you around if you smell that way, and generally those who bathe regularly have more friends. That’s a fact. It’s not a hard habit to get into, either. Anyone who does not bathe at least every other day smells horribly. That is also a fact. When I was a kid, I didn’t want to bathe every night before bed. Why would you want to, when there are things to do that are a lot more fun, like watching TV, playing games, beating up your little brother, and the like? Dad used to tell us a very simple truth: “A dog can’t smell its own dirt.” This is why you cannot smell yourself, but everyone else can (from Mars).
My recommendation would be this: Go down to your local, inexpensive barber or the hack-and-whack (such as a Supercuts) and get a maintenance-free hairstyle. I don’t necessarily mean going for the Yul Brynner look, but a short military cut would work nicely. That way there is less hair to keep clean and, if short enough, you won’t have to spend so much time grooming it. Trust me, girls like guys who are clean, more so than they like guys who have long, nasty, ass-smelling hair.
Next up is your domicile. If you aren’t going to wash dishes, use paper plates and plastic utensils. At this point you should either wash and pack up your dishes for storage, or toss them out. If you do not wash laundry often, buy a large outdoor garbage can and use it for your laundry. Do not use a garbage can that has been used for garbage. It must be previously unused in order to store dirty laundry.
###Project: Separating and Washing Laundry
- Wash jeans, towels and t-shirts together on COLD.
- Whites all go in together (white t-shirts, your tightie-whities that are only attached
to the elastic in two spots, socks, towels and anything else that is white) with items that were previously white but are now grey, like your underwear – wash HOT.
A side note about underwear: I have heard jokes about men turning their underwear inside-out so they can wear it longer. As it turns out, this is not a joke. So, a quick word to bachelors who practice this:
Don’t ever tell girls that you do this, or they will never touch your fun-bits again.
No woman wants to be anywhere near you if you are wearing four-day old underwear. Underwear should be worn ONCE, and then it should go into your laundry can to be washed. For best results, the underwear should be washed on HOT with SOAP before being worn again. Novices have been known to reach back into the laundry can the next day, to wear yesterday’s undies. This is wrong, and coincidentally, another reason you smell like ass.
Now, your computer is also an issue… For the love of all that is good in the world, clean your keyboard and mouse. What you will need (uh, aside from the box of tissues) is a container of Clorox Wipes, preferably lemon-scent. I don’t want to get into what an expert you may be at one-handed typing, just clean the keyboard and mouse off, ok? (redshift would like me to note that these wet-wipes are probably ok to use on your keyboard, as long as you unplug it first.)
Speaking of cleaning, I want to run down a quick list of must-haves for bachelors who hate cleaning more than they do laundry. Many companies, such as Clorox, have invented some awesome cleaners and contraptions to make chores a snap.
I recommend the following:
- Clorox Wipes – general surface cleaning, throw them away when you’re finished. It is also good for wiping down the toilet. Wash your hands when you finish cleaning it, though. If you would prefer toilet-wipes for your toilet seat, Scrubbing Bubbles has flushable wipes. Again, wash your hands when you’re done, because the brown stuff on the backside of the toilet seat is not yummy chocolate. Wash your hands with soap and hot water.
Clorox ToiletWand System – a fantastic toilet cleaner. This is a handle with a scrubber sponge on the end. Flush the toilet, scrub the bowl, throw away the sponge on the end and you’re done. This should take you all of 30 seconds. You can buy replacement sponges for a couple of bucks. Toilets should be cleaned once a week.
Any kind of toilet bowl drop with bleach. Use this in conjunction with your scrubber.
Scrubbing Bubbles for your shower! (No, that brown ring in your tub is not normal, nor is the black stuff growing in crevices.) Hulk introduced me to Scrubbing Bubbles the other day, and I was elated, since our tub is cleaned manually. No more! Your shower should be cleaned once every couple of weeks. If you live alone, two or three weeks is good. Spray this all over the shower and leave it for 10 minutes. Come back and rinse it off with the shower nozzle. You can also use this on any ceramic tile, so if your bathroom counter happens to be tile, Scrubbing Bubbles will work as a cleaner. Again, spray it, leave it on for 10 minutes, come back and just wipe it off.
To clean your shower even less frequently, after you get out of the shower (since you are now showering every day), spray the shower down with any sort of shower cleaner such as Tilex shower cleaner. There are a few different brands, and any one will do. While your shower is still wet, spray everything, including the shower door/curtain and faucet. Then leave it; you will not have to dry it off.
Keep tile and linoleum floors clean with the Swiffer Wet Jet. The Swiffer squirts a cleaning liquid and mops it up with the disposable pad. Use one pad for the bathroom and a separate for the kitchen. Remember, in your bathroom you will need to get into the crevices, because everyone sheds hair, and hair likes to get behind the door and in the corners. The big brown fuzzy in the corner is not a mouse, as you were originally led to believe. Your kitchen and bathroom floors should be cleaned once a week. Stop arguing with me – I said once a week and I mean it.
Keep your kitchen clean with soap and water. Wipe down your countertops and stovetops with a sponge, liquid soap (I like Palmolive, but any will do) and warm water. If you are concerned about the metal pans under your stove burners (those electric coils that heat up when you turn on the stove), don’t be. Those can be replaced for a few dollars at Target, Wal-Mart, Fred Meyer, etc.
Not many bachelors like to clean, but using these things will make it quick and painless. Most importantly, if your bathroom and kitchen are dirty, you are dirty. Girls do not want to come over and see a dirty bathroom or kitchen – it’s an indication of how clean or dirty you are. Those two rooms have the most potential for bad odor, and as I said earlier, women do not like men who smell like ass. If your bathroom is filthy, you are filthy. It’s true, I’m sorry. If a woman is invited over to your apartment and she sees you have a filthy bathroom, her perception of you will be forever altered. She isn’t expecting the smell of flowers, but she definitely doesn’t want straight-up stink. Please do not have a filthy bathroom and kitchen or I will call Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on your ass, and then you will have serious problems.
Last but not least, it’s time to address food issues. Sooner or later, you’re going to die from all of the fast food you are eating. It’s high time you had some easy recipes, with fast cleanup.
If you do not have a George Foreman grill, or similar indoor grill, buy one. Target is selling a basic model for $24.99, Wal Mart has one for $29.00. Indoor grills are great because dinners take 15 minutes. Here is a basic dinner for one person:
1/4 cup Italian-Seasoned Bread Crumbs, such as the Progresso brand (or if you are kitchen-utensil impaired and do not have measuring cups, enough bread crumbs to coat your chicken breast)
1 boneless, skinless chicken breast
1 cup frozen veggies
1 baked potato
1 square aluminum foil
Here is what you do:
Heat oven to 400 degrees. Cut baked potato in half, wrap in aluminum foil. Place in oven. Do not forget about potato. If you do, your smoke alarm will remind you, but it’s probably better that you don’t forget anyway. Potatoes will take about 1 ¿ hours to bake, so plan accordingly. Use a timer, if you must. Or, if you have a microwave, you can nuke it for something like 20 minutes – however, the skin will be a bit wrinkly, whereas in an oven, the skin will be fine.
Take out two bowls – cereal bowls are fine. In the first bowl, beat one egg. (Crack an egg, and then take a fork and mix it all around until it’s almost all the same color. If you have a garbage disposal, the eggshell can go into the disposal. Otherwise, if you do not have a disposal, do not try to force it down the drain. Just throw it in the garbage can. Preferably not the one you are now using for laundry.) In the second bowl, pour your bread crumbs. Take your chicken breast and rinse it off under cold water. Pat the chicken dry with a paper towel. Put your chicken breast in the egg bowl, and coat it with the egg. Then put the chicken in the bread crumb bowl, and coat it. Be careful that you aren’t splattering egg everywhere while transferring the chicken around. Place the chicken on your George Foreman grill. Wash your hands. (Any time you handle raw hamburger or chicken, you must wash your hands afterward.) Plug the grill in, and close the grill. Turn on your oven timer for 15 minutes. Rinse out the egg bowl and bread crumb bowl. If you are using paper bowls, rinse them off anyway before throwing them out, otherwise your garbage can will stink of rotting eggs.
In a pot, place your frozen veggies and set the burner to medium-low. That is, turn it to 8:00. Do not turn your burner up higher than this or you’ll end up with black vegetables and a lot of smoke. You may also want to put a small amount of water in the bottom of the pot, so that the veggies do not burn on the bottom. Frozen veggies are great because they are a healthier option than canned, and you can buy all kinds, including varieties that include a cheese sauce. Personally, I don’t believe the cheese sauce is all that great for you, but we’ve come a long way from the fast food, so feel free. Frozen veggies are also inexpensive, so it makes a great option for the budget-conscious. Cover the pot with a lid and leave your food alone until the timer goes off.
If you are nervous about the chicken being done, just take a knife and cut a slice half-way through the thick end. If it’s pink, leave it in for another couple of minutes – but use the oven timer! Always use the timer, or you will walk away from your meal and remember only when the smoke alarm goes off.
There are two wonderful things about indoor grills. The first is that you can cook anything on it and you can use it every night – with the meal I mentioned above, you can substitute the chicken with fish and make a different vegetable and you’ll have a completely different meal the next day. It even makes great hamburgers.
The second is that it’s easy as hell to clean. Take a sponge and use soap and warm water to wipe it down. Do not ever use a scouring pad on the surface, as it will scratch the Teflon. I have read that eating Teflon has been linked to cancer and Alzheimer’s, although I can’t confirm it. Although I am not a scientist or doctor, I feel pretty confident when I tell you that eating Teflon can’t be good for you, so when cleaning it, be careful not to scratch it. Go ahead and use the backside of the sponge if there’s a scrubber pad on it, but gently. Be careful not to scratch up the Teflon.
If you are a complete slob, or you know someone who is, email us some pictures of the disgusting domicile/room and possibly even the person who smells like ass. If you have the most disgusting entry, we’ll send you some of the cleaning supplies we mentioned above, plus body soap and shampoo, and a Halffull stein. We’ll close the competition in three weeks, posting the pictures from the winner.
That’s it for now. If you have questions about how not to smell like ass, feel free to drop me an email.
Disclaimer: I was not thinking of any specific person when I wrote this. Basically because if you smelled like ass, I would not be your friend. So, stop being paranoid that I was referring to you.