Teddy the three-headed baby-eating liberal explains Iraq to little Suzy

by hulk

Suzy: Mr. Teddy, why are our troops in Iraq? And why are we people so mad about it?

Teddy: Well Suzy, we’re occupying Iraq. That means that our evil Nazi-loving president, who by the way is “the most dangerous man in the world”, and much, much worse than Saddam Hussein ever was, has forced our soldiers to die so he can steal oil by the boatload from Iraq and give it to his evil crony buddies. On top of all that, the rest of the world all of a sudden hates us just because of this war. Well, that and past foreign policies of Republican presidents. The world hates us because we put America first rather than think of the “global good”. We’re also the most oppressive country in the world, where no one is free to speak their minds. I wish I could live in a place like France where religious freedom is tolerated in the schools, or North Korea where I could protest by burning down Starbucks without police stopping me!

Besides which, little Suzy, I heard that we’re also occupying Iraq to Christianize the Muslims. Plus we’re using them as slave labor to build a battle station that’s the size of a small moon. It’s gotten so bad that the leaders of foreign countries are begging John Kerry to win the election! And we all know that other countries should determine what America does, considering that they’re so much better than us and all. Oh, I miss the days when the UN ran the world. We’re just lucky that Libya runs the UN Human Rights Commission, because as everyone knows Libya has a much better record on Human Rights and they’ll protect the world from the big bad US.

Suzy: Why were people protesting companies?

Teddy: Well Suzy, those evil multinational corporations were trying to make a PROFIT. Profit is the most evil concept in the world. When you have something that someone else wants, and they’re willing to pay your price, then they give you money and you give them what they want. In addition, people will pay more for better things. This is an evil system in which people earn money according to their efforts, and it’s not equal. It makes me sick when I think of a person earning something for their work! We call these companies that make a profit in foreign countries Profiteers.

Suzy: Mr. Teddy, this all sounds very wrong and insane.

Teddy: Well Suzy, if you drink some of this Kool-Aid, also called a college education in which you’re surrounded by liberal professors who babble about diversity while completely ignoring the diversity of *opinion*, it will allllll make sense.