The Airline officially hates you, or: Smallest Sandwich Ever

by hulk

See, I used to think that airlines were just incompetent, and that’s probably what they were. You’d get a shitty meal, a tiny, cramped seat, some screaming baby, and some fat sweaty guy sitting next to you invading your personal space like a frenchman. Those, sadly, were the good old days. Then 9/11 happened, and the airlines were given carte blanche to do whatever they wanted. Not to mention that you now had to go through a security screening process that involved removing all sorts of clothing items that you never thought had metal in them (apparently sneakers need to be taken off too), because if you set off the hypersensitive metal detector, the terrorists win. And you’re just as good as gone if you happen to have any sort of pocketknife or corkscrew or anything on your keychain. I’m thinking it’s only a matter of time before keys become illegal to bring on the plane. Meanwhile you know the stupid fucking inspector person gets a cheap thrill out of knowing he has just enough power over you to make you remove your belt and shoes and everything in your pockets and look like a fucking idiot. I noticed something interesting though. They no longer check for drugs. They used to, running this drug thing over your bags and having a dog nearby or something, but now they’re more worried you might have a belt on or that you might speak the word “bomb” while discussing the news. I realized that I totally could have walked right through security with several kilos of cocaine stuffed throughout my person, because that sure doesn’t set off the metal detector… I think.

But that’s just the inspectors. This is really about the actual airlines. So on the way down I’m served a “meal” which consists of a bite-sized package of pecan chocolate something or other, a little package of carrots, and the smallest sandwhich I have ever seen. Seriously. This thing was the size of a baby’s fist. I had no idea they even made rolls that freaking tiny. Oh, and a little packet of mayo. That’s a meal. For a toddler, I guess. I had the option of getting a $5 beer too, I guess I should mention that. At least there’s always that $5 shitty beer that they offer, that means they don’t hate you. I think. Then there was the inflight “entertainment”. It wasn’t even a movie, it was something called “Continental Visions”. Um, yeah. Consisted of some CNN “newsreels” which were reports about stories that happened last month, and a couple sitcoms. Good Morning Miami, and an old Frasier. Good…Morning…Miami. They paid what, a nickel for the broadcast rights on that one? I say they should’ve gone for Caroline in the City. Or maybe better, that short-lived kramer series. Could’ve brought that nickel cost down to a penny. But here’s the best part. They played the same fucking thing going back up. The exact, same, fucking, thing. A week later. I guess they don’t figure people make, you know, round trips. But it was ok because on the way back up, they didn’t serve the smallest sandwich ever. They served the smallest, most artificial looking muffin ever. Yay. Then the pilot took 20 minutes to make his “final” descent, hanging around in the turbulence just for fun. Just long enough to make me puke in front of the hot girl sitting across the aisle. Not like I had enough guts to talk to her, but it’s if you can puke without caring who saw you. Oh, and they oversold seats on both flights. Guess they can’t, you know, use a computer to check how many people there are per seat, and maybe call them ahead of time to say oops. No, they just hope the person forgets to get up that morning. That plus they come through with the drink cart several times, both to make you pee, annoy you to death by continually asking you if you want something when you’re trying to nap, and see if they can’t milk that $5 out of you for that shitty beer.

They’re no longer incompetent. They now seriously hate you. Once they make planes that have a cargo hatch that opens in the back, stop flying. They’ll take people’s money, pull the lever and say oops as everyone gets sucked out to their deaths. It’ll happen.