My Imaginary Interview with Wesley Clark, Or: Nuts
Me: So General Clark, thank you again for this interview. I’d first like to ask about why you feel that being a general gives you more military experience than Senator Kerry?
Clark: I’m sorry, I haven’t really reviewed the facts on that one. Maybe I’m a general, maybe not, and maybe Kerry is or isn’t, but I’m just not familiar with that issue.
Me: But, General Clark, you’ve made the fact that you’re a general central to your campaign.
Clark: Look, I haven’t reviewed the facts on that, and quite simply I don’t feel that has anything to do with my campaign.
Me: Ok…Well, moving on…
Me: Since I’ve made you aware that you are in fact a retired general, why do you think that makes you more qualified than other candidates on security issues? I mean, the link between a military campaign and homeland security is tenuous, at best.
Clark: Not true. Look at Bush. He had very little military experience, and look how badly he screwed up 9/11. He could’ve prevented it.
Me: How, exactly, do you beleive he could have prevented it? Are you criticizing his lack of concentration on internal security? And if so, don’t you feel that the Clinton administration would share some of the blame since 9/11 was the culmination of a five year operation?
Clark: The fact is, if I were president it never would’ve happened. I will repeal the Patriot Act and make it so that our security apparatus has to go through several layers of approval to track down susepected terrorists. If they want to do a wiretap, let them do it the old fashioned way.
Me: So you’d decrease the CIA, FBI, and Department of Homeland Security’s abilities to do their jobs in favor of the rights of terrorists?
Clark: Exactly. President Bush has gone too far with his camp in Guantanamo, and all those prisoners should be freed for their inconvenience.
Me: So that would include the ones who our soldiers caught shooting at them?
Clark: Yes, that’s right. There’s no reason to suspect them.
Me: So someone shooting a gun at our troops is not a suspect?
Clark: Of course they are.
Me: But you just said the exact opposite!
Clark: I’m not aware of that.
Me: Yes you did! You said it! I have it here on tape!
Clark: Look, I’m just not aware of the details on that. Maybe you’re right, maybe you aren’t, the fact is it doesn’t matter and isn’t central to my campaign.
Me: Fine. Moving on, Captain Nutbag…
Clark: That’s General. I’ve recently been informed I’m a retired general.
Me: Glad you decided to join the party, Cosmonaut. Now, GENERAL Clark, what about CAPPS II? Many people feel that that violates more civil liberties than the Patriot Act, yet you helped sell it to the federal government.
Clark: I have no knowledge of that. I’d have to look into it.
Me: What about your endorsement from Osama Bin Laden, the man who runs Al-Qaeda?
Clark: I haven’t kept up-to-date on that situation, maybe he was behind 9/11 and maybe he wasn’t. But that shows that I’m the only candidate who can bring people together in America.
Me: So bringing people together includes terrorists and foreign combatants?
Clark: I’m not sure about that. I’ll have to check with my staff. You know what, I’ll just say yes for right now and deny it a week from now, so who cares?
Me: Thanks for your time, General Clark.
Clark: Thank you, Romulax of Omega VII. I look forward to helping you colonize Earth.
Me: *Blink*. *Blink*.