Popcorn, Or: It’s #$%*^ stuck in my teeth!

by hulk

Popcorn. It’s a wonderful substance, But it carries such awful side effects. You can make the bagged stuff in your microwave by just throwing it in there and pressing a button. You can pop it on your stove. You can pop it in a machine. You can buy it at a fair or in a movie theater.

No matter where you buy it, it comes in one of five states: Too salty, too buttery/greasy, stale, flavorless, or sickening. If it’s too buttery or greasy, you get crap all over your fingers and henceforth your hands and henceforth your clothes. If you don’t have it with much butter though, it could be too salty, and dry, salty popcorn is the pits ’cause it leaves a horrendous feeling in your mouth. Or it can be all stale and obviously old, and that sucks too. Or it can be nice and flavorless, and if you go to the trouble of making plain popcorn, you’re just a moron. Sometimes it can be good if you make it plain and add your own spices, but usually it’s terrible. And if you buy it at a movie theater, I don’t know what the hell they do to it there, but they pour some chemical on it that gives it a vomit-aftertaste. Yay.

Yet I still eat the stuff. And what happens after you eat it? Well, like I said before, you can have stuff on your hands, or a bad taste in your mouth, but the absolute worst situation is getting bits of kernels stuck in between your teeth. Just TRY getting that stuff out. You have to use floss to dig it out of there, and sometimes you can’t identify exactly where it is, so you tear your gums to shreds while trying to dig out this kernel-skin thingy.

That leaves kettle corn, caramel popcorn, and cheesy popcorn. Cheesy popcorn is just plain gross, I’m sorry. Caramel popcorn can be really good, but if it’s not fresh, I fail to see the point; a lot of times it becomes all stale and it sucks. Kettle corn is great, but only if made properly. There’s a perfect salt/sweet ratio that needs to be found for the perfect bag of kettle corn.

All that being said, I love popcorn, and always will. But it’d be awesome if someone could make it so that I could enjoy it without any regrets.