The History of Germany

by hulk

The History of Germany, According to Rich:

So Germany was this big piece of land called “nothing” by the Romans because that’s all it was to them, a big hunk of nothing, no vineyards, hence no point. In truth they probably had some name for it, like, “pointless place full of trees” or something like that. Then Attila the Hun came from up there and smashed the Roman Empire, which was already in decline because of debauchery. I don’t really know what that means, but it probably means the Romans were de-bauching themselves, which sounds bad and/or gross. So the Germans put an end to that. Then nothing happened for a while in Germany. Again. Blah blah blah, they discovered feudalism as it swept Europe. Feudalism was great because everybody got to screw everybody beneath them, like a giant pyramid scheme, which is illegal, but fortunately for them there was no FBI back then to arrest them all for the stupid scheme.

So there was a king and some dukes and stuff like that, but they didn’t call them that in Germany. They called them Kaiser and Dukenebrattenwurst, which were stupid names which is why everyone continued to ignore Germany. Then the Germans discovered Lager, and quickly Catholic missionaries swept in to convert them all (and get some cool steins in the process). The Germans were happy for a while, because Catholicism is all about drinking and making babies, and who doesn’t like that? So then the Germans continued to make advancements in weight gain, such as pretzels, sausages, black forest cake, and more types of beer. Then this guy Martin Luther got pissed off that the Germans kept the Black Forest segregated from the other forests, and started posting some “theses” all over church doors. The pope got pissed cause he liked his black forest cakes, and so he excommunicated Martin Luther and hence Lutherism was born alongside the Tree Rights movement.

Then Germany was kinda segregated from everyone for a while, so they made nice with Russia. A German Princess, Katherine the Who-Gives-A-Shitunblotten became Katherine the Great, the best Czaress in Russian History. Then, once again, nothing happened for a while and the only point in visiting Germany was for the beer and pretzels. Then the turn of the century came, and this guy called Kaiser got all pissed off at the French over some stupid little thing and started a war. All of Europe was plunged into it and they flew around on little flimsy planes until Snoopy came along and kicked the Red Baron’s ass, who retired his air force comission to make frozen pizzas. The war was over and Germany was dragged through some dumb french hall full of mirrors and humiliated.

So the Germans were poor and pissed off for a while, and started to blame their problems on the Jews, because they couldn’t think of anything better to do. This escalated until 1939, when nothing happened. Really. Every German Citizen went on a vacation to merry-merry land and came back in 1945, aghast that some guy named Hitler had gone around killing Jews and invading countries. The Germans were really upset that all this happened, because EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM had NO KNOWLEDGE about this, nor could they have prevented it. They were in Poland the entire time, gorging themselves on punch and keilbase. So after every last German citizen woke up FROM THEIR COMA, they started reconstructing the country. Problem is, by that time, the Russians were involved, and everyone knows that the Russians are like the US Government, or theives: They take all your money and impose a bunch of stupid rules on you and tell you you should be ecstatic.

So one half of Germany got to live in a Socialist Paradise, where they were free from the need for food, water, shelter or jobs, cause everyone knows those “needs” are just capitalist pig lies. So the other half of Germany got lots of money from the US and France and England and started up all kinds of businesses. Then in 1991 George H.W. Bush, or George I was having lunch with Mikhail Gorbachev, or Captain Sunspot, and said, “Try some of this ale.” But Captain Sunspot of the Baldy patrol misheard Bush because Bush was eating a sandwhich, and thought he said, “Tear Down this Wall.” So he tore down the Berlin Wall and the German people were happy again, cause they realized that they really would prefer bread and water and all that other good stuff over the Socialist Paradise.

Today Germany is a place known for Pretzels, Sausages, Well-made cars, and of course, Beer. The End.