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The History of Germany, According to Rich:

So Germany was this big piece of land called “nothing” by the Romans because that’s all it was to them, a big hunk of nothing, no vineyards, hence no point. In truth they probably had some name for it, like, “pointless place full of trees” or something like that. Then Attila the Hun came from up there and smashed the Roman Empire, which was already in decline because of debauchery. I don’t really know what that means, but it probably means the Romans were de-bauching themselves, which sounds bad and/or gross. So the Germans put an end to that. Then nothing happened for a while in Germany. Again. Blah blah blah, they discovered feudalism as it swept Europe. Feudalism was great because everybody got to screw everybody beneath them, like a giant pyramid scheme, which is illegal, but fortunately for them there was no FBI back then to arrest them all for the stupid scheme. Read the rest of this entry »

The Japanese have a long history of getting their culture from other peoples. Several thousand months ago, they copied Zen Buddhism from the Chinese. Then they did a bunch of stuff with sand, rocks, and little odd-shaped trees. They were a feudal society until about 60 years ago when General Macarthur threw the Emperor into the Pacific Ocean. Simultaneously, the US soldiers removed their weapons and taught the Japanese about pornography. The nation was immediately revitalized, as artists set to drawing pictures of women in impossible proportions. There’s also something about Godzilla in there, he’s this really cool giant death-lizard who represents the horror man has potentially unleashed upon himself by building the A-bomb. Read the rest of this entry »