Month: November, 2003

Bulbous Bouffant

by redshift

Announcing the official Halffull Bulbous Bouffant Mapping Contest!

If you haven’t heard the song, watch – and trust me, you’ll need to listen to it a lot.

The idea is to make a written map of everything they say, and figure out if it is in fact possible for only three people to be involved, as the premise would have us believe.

I say no, and my current map can be found below [not finished yet] with a rudimentary explanation – feel free to copy the style of my map. You can either email me your submissions or post them in a comment, where they’ll be horribly distorted.

Bulbous Bouffant mapping

In case you haven’t heard of this before and think I’m insane, it’s a song from the Canadian comedy team The Vestibules.

Well, that’s that

by redshift

I suppose I know it had to happen. It’s almost sad, though, like finding out the easter bunny isn’t real, that storks are only the middlemen, or that Delta Burke won’t be doing another Designing Women reunion.

Yes, they’ve found the airspeed velocity of unladen African and European swallows.

[p.s. If you don’t know what this is about, you are hereby banned.]

Popcorn, Or: It’s #$%*^ stuck in my teeth!

by hulk

Popcorn. It’s a wonderful substance, But it carries such awful side effects. You can make the bagged stuff in your microwave by just throwing it in there and pressing a button. You can pop it on your stove. You can pop it in a machine. You can buy it at a fair or in a movie theater.

No matter where you buy it, it comes in one of five states: Too salty, too buttery/greasy, stale, flavorless, or sickening. If it’s too buttery or greasy, you get crap all over your fingers and henceforth your hands and henceforth your clothes. If you don’t have it with much butter though, it could be too salty, and dry, salty popcorn is the pits ’cause it leaves a horrendous feeling in your mouth. Or it can be all stale and obviously old, and that sucks too. Or it can be nice and flavorless, and if you go to the trouble of making plain popcorn, you’re just a moron. Sometimes it can be good if you make it plain and add your own spices, but usually it’s terrible. And if you buy it at a movie theater, I don’t know what the hell they do to it there, but they pour some chemical on it that gives it a vomit-aftertaste. Yay. Read the rest of this entry »

Texas, Or: Taxes

by hulk

I’ve heard many people criticize the Bush tax cuts as recklessness, or only favoring the top 1% while giving nothing to the poor. I find it interesting that while the very idea of a federal government levying a tax was very much a controversial issue up until the 20th century, the federal government assumes a certain portion of what you earn belongs to them. And they collect it in several ways. Read the rest of this entry »

The History of Germany

by hulk

The History of Germany, According to Rich:

So Germany was this big piece of land called “nothing” by the Romans because that’s all it was to them, a big hunk of nothing, no vineyards, hence no point. In truth they probably had some name for it, like, “pointless place full of trees” or something like that. Then Attila the Hun came from up there and smashed the Roman Empire, which was already in decline because of debauchery. I don’t really know what that means, but it probably means the Romans were de-bauching themselves, which sounds bad and/or gross. So the Germans put an end to that. Then nothing happened for a while in Germany. Again. Blah blah blah, they discovered feudalism as it swept Europe. Feudalism was great because everybody got to screw everybody beneath them, like a giant pyramid scheme, which is illegal, but fortunately for them there was no FBI back then to arrest them all for the stupid scheme. Read the rest of this entry »

The History of Japan

by hulk

The Japanese have a long history of getting their culture from other peoples. Several thousand months ago, they copied Zen Buddhism from the Chinese. Then they did a bunch of stuff with sand, rocks, and little odd-shaped trees. They were a feudal society until about 60 years ago when General Macarthur threw the Emperor into the Pacific Ocean. Simultaneously, the US soldiers removed their weapons and taught the Japanese about pornography. The nation was immediately revitalized, as artists set to drawing pictures of women in impossible proportions. There’s also something about Godzilla in there, he’s this really cool giant death-lizard who represents the horror man has potentially unleashed upon himself by building the A-bomb. Read the rest of this entry »