distributed humor
I purchased a Palm Zire 31 last week, so of course this week Palm released the upgrade, the Z22. I’m not bitter about the timing at all, in case you couldn’t tell. In any case, they’re both great products, and I feel it is my duty to let you, the Halffull public, know what I think of them.
On Friday, I received an email from Adagio Teas featuring a holiday sampler. The sampler consists of six different looseleaf teas: candy apple, candy cane, chestnut, cranberry, gingerbread, and pumpkin spice — for only $11. I buy! In fact, for that price I bought an extra one as a gift for my dad. After all, the holidays are approaching and I need to think ahead.
Friday was when I bought them, and they arrived today. Gotta love quick service. I didn’t get a chance to try them all, but I did break out the gingerbread tea. My first perception on this sampler was that all of these teas would be really sweet, however the gingerbread was surprisingly not. It has a great mix of spices, and was absolutely delicious. And, funnily enough, quite calming. Adagio also included a free sampler of the gingerbread tea in my box, so anyone who makes an order will get one of the new holiday flavors as a complimentary gift. I have no idea if everyone receives gingerbread or if it’s a random selection from the holiday sampler. At any rate, I was pleasantly surprised by the tea, and I would highly recommend it. So far, anyway. Tonight when I get home, I’m going to try the cranberry.
I love a good conspiracy theory. Add that to my penchant for cynicism, and you’ll know exactly what I was thinking last night when I sat down to watch the premiere of “Commander in Chief” with Geena Davis: The secret powers that be are warming up the population for a female president. Yeah I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but I wouldn’t it past them – whoever they are. I’m not sure who “them” is; some secret person or persons who really make all the decisions. Perhaps it’s the Illuminati or Xenu, maybe even Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. I’m not really sure whom exactly, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find that someone government related was sponsoring this television program to ready the nation for a female president. I don’t think it will be Hillary or Condi, as the press is frothing at the mouth with, but I do find it highly likely that a female candidate will run when the next couple of generations are old enough to vote. This television show is a strong first step in readying the mindset of the next few waves of voters, and everyone, everywhere, seems to be speaking their mind about the romanticism of a female president.
At some point in celebrities’ useless lives, they cease to exist as celebrities and become brand names. This disturbing trend is becoming more and more commonplace and the rest of us “little people” can’t seem to get enough. The media is completely obsessed with the goings-on of the rich and famous, stalking them day and night, photographing them everywhere they go and reporting any rumor they can get their grubby little hands on, no matter how insane. Television shows are dedicated solely to reporting the amount of money celebs spend on clothing, where they went on vacation or how much their spectacularly stupid weddings cost; complete with timer to tell you how long the marriage lasted. The paparazzi thrives because a lot of people are infatuated with the goings on of the world’s celebrities – and how much we can make fun of them. I’m one of those people.
The Rise and Degradation of Britney Spears
Britney Spears has released a new perfume, the second fragrance of her beauty product line. This came as a huge shock to me because, judging from her recent appearance, I thought her to be the last person on earth to have any association with beauty products, let alone an entire line of products. Although it’s not as if Britney is actually throwing herself into a think-tank with scientists and beauticians to brainstorm these commodities: that would be cosmetic powerhouse Elizabeth Arden, and Britney’s name is simply the brand. Sadly, Britney is not smart enough to think of those things on her own.
The TV Executive “recipe for success” is this: Take a look at the latest hit shows and create as many different variants, spin-offs, and hybrids of them as you possibly can. It’s a lot like the grunge movement, but with a lot less flannel. Fox Television’s “Bones” is one of those hopefuls, trying to jump into the police investigative crime scene genre.
David Boreananananananaaz plays Special Agent Seeley Booth. If you couldn’t guess from his “Special Agent” title or the name “Seeley Booth” that he’s super macho and has more street experience in his pinky-toe than all of us combined, that’s ok because the writing makes it even more painfully obvious. His macho ass is matched up with Emily Deschanel as Dr. Temperance Brennan, a mousey-looking lab rat genius who does not get out much and can understand bones more than other people. Oh and by the way, as the writers throw out there for no reason because it really does nothing for the story or plot, she’s got inner issues because she lost her parents when she was young. In fact, much of the characters’ facets and personalities were carelessly and pointlessly thrown out to the audience in a very cursory way, instead of letting the characters unfold, and told plainly, rather than giving the audience credit for being able to figure some things out on their own. I found this annoying, at best.
This weekend, an unprecedented event occurred. In fact, I could scarcely believe it myself when it happened: I actually finished a game.
While this may seem like a relatively common event for most people, it isn’t for me. In my long history of gaming, I have only been able to finish two games in my entire life. That’s right, just two. Through a freak series of accidents, I will normally get to the very end of a game, in some cases down to the very last two or three fights, and something completely out of my control will happen and I will not be able to finish. Whether the computer blows up or my memory card suddenly becomes corrupted and unreadable, I cannot see the ending of a game. (By the way, I’m a ninja.)
You could possibly say that I have finished three games, but I wouldn’t count the third. Last summer, a friend of mine recommended Sacred, saying we could play it together. (I’m a sucker for playing games with friends.) Despite how buggy it was, I was completely addicted, and went on into the game a lot farther than he had. It’s a great game. First of all, the world is absolutely immense. When I finished the first few quests of the game and had tromped all over the area, I checked my stats and realized with surprise that I had only discovered 2% of the world. The main storyline doesn’t even take you into 10% of the gaming map – the game gives you the opportunity to forget about the main quest indefinitely to tromp off to other towns for quests and adventure elsewhere. If you’re the kind of person who insists on doing every single side quest and filling in every single part of the map, this may or may not be the game for you because it would take quite a while to finish. At any rate, I loved the game and really thought, with great excitement, that this may be the second game ever that I would finish, but no, it was not meant to be. At one point near the end, the game informs you that your character must go back and repeat everything on a higher level before you can continue on and finish the game. Screw that. I moved on to the next game.
I enjoy a good hot cup of tea. Now, when most people read that sentence, they key in on the words “hot cup of tea” and forget the “good” part. Growing up, I was only exposed to Red Rose tea that my dad would make for me when I was sick. Suffice to say, dear old Dad isn’t known for his fine tastes in cuisine, so my knowledge of tea was a scalding hot mug of tea-tinted water with a half tube of honey squeezed into it. Not good.
By the time I had moved out of my parents’ house, I was a coffee drinker, through and through. For years I didn’t even think of tea. In fact, I looked down upon the millions of pansy tea drinkers around the world until a few years ago, when one of my Canadian friends introduced me to loose leaf teas. I remember having to wait for the water to boil and then for the tea to seep – at first I thought it was some goofy liberal tea ritual, but after drinking it (with a little bit of cream) I was absolutely amazed. It wasn’t remotely related to the watery crap I had as a kid, and, converted faster than Katie Holmes to Scientology, I have been in search of good tea ever since.
Over the past decade, there has been a switch between television and Hollywood movies. In the past, where movies gave us depth of characters, complex plotlines and suspense, television provided simple stories in short, thirty minute segments. It was a simpler time for television, and movie-makers really knew how to put on a show. Both of them created entertainment that fit well with the times, each of them knowing their place and doing what they did best.
Today, Hollywood is falling flat on its face with titles that would have done well in the 80’s, while television has become much more sophisticated, giving us depth where Hollywood is failing. Wake up, Hollywood, the WB’s Charmed has more teeth than Troy, even though Troy had Brad Pitt and Legolas.
Ok, that’s it. I think we’ve had enough. We’re leaving you, Hollywood. Television can give us what you can’t.
We’re all movie experts in our own right, aren’t we? We know what we like. It may not be what the next person likes, but what we do like, we are experts at. And in the past, there has always been a movie to suit our individual and collective tastes. Not this year. I have always been a big movie-goer. My parents used to take us to the old local theater downtown every Friday for a flick. I saw Indiana Jones forty times and loved it every time. But recently, with ticket and concession prices on the rise and movies that are becoming more miss than hit, I’ve stayed away. Let’s face it – even matinee prices are too high to make recent movies worth it.
There’s been much ado in the news lately about the slump at the box office. According to reports, ticket sales are down more than six percent compared to last year and movie executives fear that this will be the biggest slump in twenty years. High hopes had been pinned on Star Wars: Episode III and Batman Returns, but the two movies have failed to make up for the poor performance experienced so far. And for some reason, it’s a big mystery as to why moviegoers are staying away. Some blame it on higher ticket prices, while others point fingers at pirated movies being downloaded over the internet. Many other reasons have been suggested, but as the theories keep coming, no one seems to agree on any one of them. Well, let me help all of you multi-million dollar entertainment executives figure it out:
Your movies are crap.
Admittedly, I am a book nerd and prefer books over movies. A book can give you so much more depth that a movie can’t. When a movie is released that is based on a classic book (for example, The Count of Monte Cristo) I will avoid that movie like the plague, and for good reason. The book that the movie is based upon is a magnificent story; an elaborate, well written novel that a movie would not possibly do justice to within a two hour sitting. (Read my words carefully here because I didn’t say that they couldn’t do it justice, I said they wouldn’t.) The movie tends to not be even remotely similar to the original story and, nerdy as it sounds, I get angry that people think that what they saw in the movie was what you would read in the book. Because so many great books such as this one have been horribly disfigured on film, there is a general sentiment among movie-goers that the book is almost always better than the movie. Exceptions would be epics like The Lord of the Rings – but these are few and far between. Movies are focusing more and more on long, flashy, expensive scenes, at great sacrifice to the plot and character development.
This week I went to see Kingdom of Heaven. I had high hopes because it was directed by Ridley Scott. On the other hand, it was starring Orlando Bloom, who I really wasn’t sure could pull off a leading role. I stand corrected; Bloom wasn’t bad at all, it was the story that I hated. The fighting scenes were only okay – is it just me or are these epic battles getting old? I enjoyed the tactical fighting of the siege to Jerusalem very much, but the hand-to-hand combat is becoming old hat. Even so, this would have been forgivable except for the storyline. The main character leapfrogs from plot-point to plot-point, giving us very little time to think about why he’s doing anything, and the audience is left with a feeling akin to whiplash. By the end of the movie the audience has no emotional investment in the character, so as Balian rode off into the sunset with the princess, no one cared.
How can one guy be so funny without using a single swear word? I’ll tell you how! High pitched mind control! I saw him at the Irvine improv this last Friday the 7th (January 5th for our friends from the future), and early on in his show his voice rose up at least 15 octaves. I don’t even remember what he was talking about at that point… something about a rocket ship… or a kitty… but we were no longer in control of our own minds. Ever wonder why you can never remember your favorite parts of comedy shows, or movies? Yeah, I’m onto you suckers.
Brainwashing aside, he’s one of the best comedians ever. Gives me hope for one day making a living off of my own stupidity. Meh, who am I kidding. But the openers were great. Apparently the guy who warms up the crowd before the actual opener is a new guy. He was really funny though, so I hope he stays around. See him at your earliest convenience. You’ll thank… someone later, I’m sure. Maybe not me, but that’s alright.
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