We’ve even heard about some commercial software with heinous errors. Games with no sound. Security software that steals your resources. Sony installing rootkits. Microsoft software.

Eve Online, however, has just gone one step beyond. If you installed their new expansion, Trinity, on opening day, it deleted your boot.ini file. You can no longer boot Windows.

Even a rootkit leaves your computer working for a little while.

In case you haven’t heard of it, Eve Online is a space combat MMORPG. There are somewhere around 300,000 subscribers, and 30,000 people online on an average night. Tens of thousands of potential victims.

Of course, there was no warning that this would happen. They did not send out any kind of alert until a day later – today at 5:45pm EST. If you happened to reboot or shut down your system in that time, and you’re not running Linux (my saving grace), you’d be greeted with a unusable computer.

This is simply inexcusable. CCP, the developer of Eve, and whose slogan is “We Care More, We Work Harder,” is a professional software development firm. They should have tested what they’re putting on your computer. My God, you’d think making a computer inoperable would make one of their QA people say “Hmmm… that can’t be right.” There is no conceivable reason for the game installer to even touch the boot.ini file, forget about deleting it.

99% of their player base has no idea what a boot.ini file is, and they shouldn’t have to. It was a sacred contract that games would stay out of system space. The worst case was that a game had to install something extra as a form of DRM or copy protection.

Because of this, the user would probably not suspect that the game expansion they just installed was responsible for the problem. They would probably not call CCP. They might call Microsoft, or their computer manufacturer, who would have them wipe their hard drive and reinstall Windows. The user would never know how to recover a boot.ini file. The sad part is that the manufacturer probably wouldn’t know either.

But the fun doesn’t stop there.

CCP released a message regarding the issue. This message is incomplete and incorrect. (If they remove or change the message, I’ll copy it here.) It says that the issue only occurs if several conditions are true:

• You upgraded on opening day, 12/6 (many people)
• You’re not using Windows Vista (most people)
• Windows is not on the primary partition, or is on a secondary drive (false)

I have Windows on the primary partition of my primary drive. It still deleted my boot.ini file. So the criteria are incorrect.

They’re also incomplete. CCP gives two options for restoring your boot.ini file. First, you can use System Restore (and possibly lose other changes) IF you haven’t rebooted or shut down. Second, you can boot with a Windows CD, use the Repair Console, run “bootcfg /rebuild”, and then answer a bunch of questions that they don’t tell you how to answer.

In short, there is no good recovery option. If you’re an average user and you’ve shut down, you would probably not be able to restore the file from the Repair Console. I’m guessing that their temporary support lines are rather busy at the moment.

There are only three ways around the issue.

1. You upgraded on 12/6 or later.
2. You’re running Windows Vista.
3. You have another bootloader on your primary drive, such as Grub for Linux. This bypasses the boot.ini file.

I lucked out with option 3. I also happened to have not rebooted, but I don’t like System Restore unless it’s absolutely necessary.

In short, CCP needs to issue a serious apology. They need to publish more information about how to recover from the error. They need to beef up their testing department, and possibly fire whoever was responsible for the expansion release. And everyone else needs to learn from the mistake.

Essentially, he says that Wal-Mart’s pricing on a single flat-panel TV in the Christmas season has fundamentally and permanently changed the landscape of the electronics market as a whole. A no-name TV, specifically a 42″ Viore, was priced at $988. A similar Panasonic was priced at $1294. Other retailers couldn’t match these prices – or didn’t want to – as their prices had been nearly double that for some time.

Cleary, this was an evil act. I mean, come on, retailers are going out of business.

The fallout is evident: After closing 70 stores in February, Circuit City Stores on Mar. 28 laid off 3,400 employees and put its 800 Canadian stores on the block. Tweeter Home Entertainment Group, the high-end home entertainment store, is shuttering 49 of its 153 stores and dismissed 650 workers. Dallas-based CompUSA is closing 126 of its 229 stores, and regional retailer Rex Stores is boarding up dozens of outlets, as well as selling 94 of its 211 stores. [...] Circuit City shares have fallen 24%, to $18.76, since the end of November, when the price war started. In the same period, Tweeter’s shares declined 32%, to $1.72, near a 52-week low, and Best Buy’s stock is down 9%, to $48.73. Shares of Rex Stores have been flat, down 0.7%, to $16.98. [...] The carnage has one phrase written all over it: the “Wal-Mart effect.”

The profit bubble was burst for these old-world retailers who could no longer sell their TVs at a huge profit margin. Someone actually came along and offered a better price. A price based on reality and efficient distribution methods. Amazing. From the same article:

“It’s Econ 101: Best Buy and Circuit City had seen fat margins from flat-panel TVs for a while, and as it happens with any product, eventually the margins come down and the music stops,” says David Abella, a portfolio manager at New York-based Rochdale Investment Management, with assets of $2 billion.

Did the executives at Circuit City, Tweeter, CompUSA, Best Buy, and Rex all neglect their studies in economics? Or did they take too large an executive bonus this year? Someone offers a better price, and their only reaction is to close half their stores and lay off thousands of workers. It boggles the mind.

Furthermore, I propose that this had nothing to do with flat-panel TVs anyway. Feast your eyes, again from the same article:

In fact, even though Wal-Mart set in motion the price drops, it has actually been a bit player in the high-definition TV segment.

So, not only did the pricing on one TV bankrupt five companies, but the pricing on one TV from a bit player bankrupted five companies? Come on.

We all know why it really happened. These retailers are living in an older world, a world of brick and mortar and electronics cartels. They can’t compete with Wal-Mart and the internet. The power is finally in the hands of the consumer, who can order a flat-panel TV from anyone on the web and pay half the price, or simply walk into their local Wal-Mart. Efficiency is finally paying off for the businesses.

People are starting to ignore the giant retail outlets who have given them no choice for so long. Why pay hundreds or thousands extra at Circuit City for terrible service?

if consumer-electronics purveyors are hoping to maintain sky-high prices on new products, they’d better not count on it. After all, they have no idea what Wal-Mart has in store.

And Wal-Mart has no idea what the web has in store.

You should let me in. Do you know who I am? I am the Hoff.

I AM THE HOFF!

Now here he is on July 24 denying the incident, stressing that he absolutely does not drink and that the press will report any lie they can come up with. However, three days later we’ve got another awesome Hoff incident, where he gets so drunk in the airport, British Airways wouldn’t let him board the plane. I commend the travel stewards on prohibiting him from the flight – what happens if the Hoff starts taking off his shirt and singing songs by Chef in the middle of the airplane? There’s nowhere ladies and gay men can go to escape the power of The Hoff.

The shirtless Hoff – causing as much ruckus as snakes on a plane? You decide. dun dun duuun…

President Bush vetoed a bill on stem cell research, inciting the anger of many across the country. The Democratic party was quick to respond with the following message: Bush hates people.

However, the human race won’t totally be left without advancements as further technological developments are allowing people to move objects with their minds.

The experiments show that it is possible to capture the language of the brain, reroute that language outside the brain, and then decode the signals into movement commands, according to researchers. “We’re just at the start, just getting off the ground,” study co-author John Donoghue said.

To date, four patients have received the implant, called “BrainGate.” This is expected to be available on the market in 2008. Consumers hope future developments of BrainGate will allow them to control robotic arms and surf porn.

Miss Puerto Rico was crowned Miss Universe! In the heat, strain, excitement, and malnourishment, she fainted. The article gives many great details – that she fainted exactly at 8:38pm, an announcer who was not identified called for a nurse (I’m surprised they tried to find out this person’s name) – some super-sleuth intern writer who was given this dumb story really went wild on all of the really important (har) details, but failed to mention when the stupid pageant actually took place. Better luck next time, intern!

There are so many news reports that it’s hard to verify which ones are accurate and which ones were not. Previously there were reports that Saddam Hussein went on a hunger strike which lasted a single meal. A new report has come out that Saddam and his “people” have gone on another hunger strike, which put Saddam in the hospital to be fed via I.V. His trial is nearing an end, and according to reports, he’s still in fine form.

The unidentified attorney, his voice digitally disguised, continued reading from a final defense statement that ran 75 pages. “I don’t want my history to be stained by this,” Hussein interrupted.

Please do not stain his history with the facts, people! Nobody likes it when that happens. Hussein has demanded that he receive death by firing squad, however that is the death given to soldiers, which Saddam Hussein is not.

In Iowa City, a Girls Gone Wild bus ran over a bicyclist. This incident should not be confused with the Tomahawk cruise missle that fell off of a truck in New York. War involves boobs. Girls Gone Wild involve boobies. Big difference. (Yeah, yeah – wonk wonk wonk.)

A thousand year old book of Psalms was discovered in a bog in Ireland. Strangely enough, the book was found open to Psalm 83 – a passage where the psalmist complains to God that all the surrounding nations are conspiring against Israel, and begs God to persecute them for all of the trouble they have been bringing on Israel, God’s chosen people. “Experts” (expert in what, the article doesn’t say) focused mainly on the page left open, because it could mean something about the current conflict in Israel. Apparently, these “experts” aren’t aware that Israel was bombed because it was Tuesday. And Wednesday. Don’t forget Thursday. Or Friday. At any rate, after what I am sure was exhaustive research on the page, they decided that no, the Newfound Book of Psalms Doesn’t Predict Doom. Thank God for that, because I WAS SO WORRIED. In fact I was about to tell you to stock up on bottled water and canned food, like it was Y2K. Good thing we have experts to tell us these things.

And now for your daily dose of satire: Kim Jong-Il Offers to Abandon Nukes in Exchange for Role in New Bond Film. Please be sure to know the meaning of the word “satire” before proceeding.

Please make sure you are sitting down before you read this: Lance Bass of N’Sync Reveals He’s Gay. Seeing as how the only memorable N’Sync member is Justin Timberlake (and the only reason for that is because he was banging Britney Spears back before she had come out into the open as hideous, zit-covered, cheeto-binging, baby-dropping trailer trash) the article helps you understand which member we’re talking about (numbers added are mine).

1. ‘N Sync is known for a string of hits including “Bye Bye Bye” and “It’s Gonna Be Me.”
2. Bass has also found headlines for undertaking astronaut training and
3. failing to raise money for a trip into space.

Gay previous N’Sync’er who tried hard to be an astronaut but failed miserably and publically… I don’t know about you, but I’m not seeing a bright future for Lance. Well, his star may be falling, but the dream of going to the moon may not – NASA Aims to Open the Moon for Business. The Space Frontier Foundation, a Nyack, New York-based space-advocacy organization, believes that the future of mankind is to create human settlements on other planets. I support where this organization is trying to take the human race, and I would be all for helping Lance Bass become involved so he can realize his dream. Also because I would love to rocket all boy banders into space. Think about it, people.

In Britain on Monday, July 24, inflatable art escaped and killed two people. I’m being serious.

President Bush is in trouble again. The American Bar Association has issued a report regarding excessive use (abuse) of “signing statements”. Slate has a great article about it called “George W., Indian Giver“. The article contains a link to the ABA statement. Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter (R-PA) is preparing a bill that the Senate can use to sue Bush in Federal Court. Yeah! Bush hate! Woo!

And now let’s give Republicans something to cheer about with some Democrat hate – here’s the new Democrat “American Dream Initiative“:

Senator Clinton unveiled her 2008 domestic policy platform — er, sorry, the Democratic Leadership Council’s “American Dream Initiative”— yesterday in Denver. Though members of the DLC are supposed to be New Democrats, this latest policy gruel is enough to make us wonder just exactly how they differ from the old Democrats.

Here’s another good article about it by the Seattle Times.

And now it’s time for Crazy Tom Cruise, because any time is good time for crazy Cruise! Cruise Is Master of His Domain; Actor Wins Rights to TomCruise.com. Because you don’t know the history of teh intarnets! Tom does!

In Germany, some idiot woman mailed a 5-foot albino python. What is it with snakes and post office workers lately? A postal worker said the package began to move around and then she saw a snake coming out.

One of the postal workers in the western city of Mechernich, who was familiar with snakes, wrestled with it and locked it into another container, while her colleagues ran away.

I would have run over co-workers, shoving them backwards in the direction of the snake to get out of there. But that’s just me.

Last week it was suggested by many that we were on the cusp of WWIII. Relax, folks. It’s not.

Allegedly, there’s a new device that translates dog “speak”.

The doggy utterances are then analyzed and divided into six categories — happiness, sadness, frustration, on-guard, assertiveness and neediness — before being translated into one of 200 preprogrammed phrases.

No word yet on whether or not they’ll create a “I’m horny and want to hump your leg” category.

Also, the Secret’s Out – DaVinci Mania is Fading. And the secret is: the DaVinci code sucks, and that’s why the movie bombed and no one gives a rat’s ass.

Three men were found guilty of brutal slayings in Florida – over an X-box. Six people and a dog were killed brutally with bats (some stab wounds were also found) and the bats were ditched in a pond. The three men will receive the death penalty. GOOD.

Andrea Yates, the mother who drowned her five children, one by one, in a bathtub, was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Yates claims she heard Satan inside her and was trying to save her children from hell. So now she’s not guilty because she’s insane. You know, I have to say that this is one of the reasons I believe that there is an afterlife. And I believe that one day Andrea Yates will get what’s coming to her. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or in a year from now – but I hope and pray that she will suffer for all eternity for what she has done. Someday, she will receive justice – true justice, not what has happened in that court – for what she’s done.

And here’s a guy who shares a bit of my sentiment – a man came out of a 19-year coma turned on the television, saw too many things that sucked, and asked to be put back to sleep. Here’s my favorite part, about his first reaction to Paris Hilton:

Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show “The Simple Life.”"That was really the straw that broke the camel’s back,” he said. “I don’t want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that.”

My thoughts exactly, Mr. Deloit.

Stay tuned for next week’s news report and have a great weekend.

Now, I can’t claim to be an expert in Middle Eastern history and/or policy, so I won’t bother trying to enlighten you with my own commentary with what I think is happening. (In short, I think most everyone out there is crazier than Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, but that doesn’t really make for good reading.) If you’re looking to read something more intelligent than that, there are some interesting news links that I’ve found. The first is an article ABC News has written up called “What is Hezbollah“. The next is almost a conspiracy theory about what has been happening with the recent attacks against Israel. The journalist connects the dots, looking back with historic events and an interview he actually gave Sheik Sayed Hassan Nasrallah (Secretary-General of Hezbollah) a couple of years ago. It’s an interesting read: Nasrallah’s Game. I’ve seen articles claiming the Lebanese civilians are against Hezbollah, and others saying the terrorist group is gaining more support from civilians – I’m not out there, nor am I Lebanese, so I don’t know either way. Here’s an article by The Age, called “Lebanon Demands Hezbollah Disarm“. And now here’s one saying “Lebanon Army Could Join Hezbollah Fighters“. I’m sure both are correct – the government will need to respond to the crisis going on inside their border.

We break from this travesty to bring you the following important news flash: Bigfoot has been spotted in TEXAS. My guess is, now that Big Foot (or, “Wooly Booger,” as the Texans are calling him) is so old, he likes to migrate to warmer places in the winter.

And now back to the crisis in the Middle East. While Israel hints at a ground invasion and calls up 3000 from the reserves, the international community argues it out. Recently, President Bush was caught off the record, speaking with Tony Blair at a dinner. Unbeknownst to them but beknownst to us, a microphone picked up a conversation while they discussed the current crisis. After you’ve read that, pop on over to this Reuters article called “Bush Confronts Limits of Power in World Crises“. For those who aren’t really up on where the U.S. is today with who we have pissed off, and who we currently are and aren’t speaking to, this will help identify nicely how screwed we are with getting anything resolved in the Middle East, and will fill in a lot of information that came from the conversation between Bush and Blair. Oh, and here’s an article I had saved from earlier in the week from the NY Daily News, called “Israel’s last resort: After withdrawal, Hamas and Hezbollah have waged endless, ruthless war” that I saved and now I can’t remember why and I’m not going to re-read it to find out.

But before we go further, we break to bring you this important news brief: Kevin Federline is a douchebag.

Ok, that’s not breaking news but it’s always a great reminder and somehow brings order to the cosmos. Apparently, K-Fed is saying that he released PopoZao as a joke, to gain publicity. Because everybody knows that even bad publicity is good publicity. And when William Hung is better than you are, then you should release a bad song and claim it’s all a joke. Because that’s exactly how you gain credibility in the music scene. Somehow. Also, in the realm of Douchebag contradictions, K-Fed was quoted saying that he did not want Britney featured on his album because he wanted to prove that he can make it without her. Seeing as how he can’t, he’s delayed his album so Britney can appear on the record. In the article, it alludes that being featured on the album could be a bad career move for Britney. Huh. I didn’t realize that her career was currently in good standing.

At any case, the record is going to be called “Playing with Fire”, and that’s apparently the first single that he will be performing at the Teen Choice Awards, which I believe is some sort of plot to seriously scar the minds of the next generation. And unless “playing with fire” means that he’s going to die in a fire via being dropped into a vat of molten lava, I won’t bother watching anyone who has less credibility than the Icy Hot Stuntaz.

Whoa, that was a couple of cliches in one! Truly an honor for K-Fed, indeed.

And now back to the situation in the Middle East: Condi’s going to the Middle East, foreigners are being evacuated from Lebanon, and to bring North Korea back into the picture, allegedly Iranians were present at the North Korean missile tests. Gingrich says this is WWIII, and he’s not alone. Ok. I can’t talk about the Middle East any more.

Moving along, Robert Novak, the journalist who exposed Valerie Plame in his 2003 article, is now able to speak out about what went down. Here’s his interview with Fox News: “Robert Novak Breaks his Silence“.

Speaking of journalism, this year’s winner of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has been announced. The contest is in honor of Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton’s famous “It was a dark and stormy night” opening – instead of penning the best story opening ever, they are looking for the worst. Jim Guigli cruised into the grand prize spot with this gagger:

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you’ve had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

What he’s really trying to say is:

In the disgusting department, ape meat is being sold in U.S. and European markets. Apparently, it’s the new haute cuisine. When the rich aren’t sampling ape, scorpions, worms, and ants are on the menu.

Also, the Red Sea Region is parting in a massive split. Moses and Bruce Almighty unavailable for comment.

Last weekend, there was some sort of tilt with a cruise ship and a few people got hurt, and it was huge news for some reason, and everyone’s screaming about how it could have been the Poseidon Adventure. Next week, there really will be snakes on a plane.

Speaking of snakes (my God, how do I come up with this crap), someone thought it would be a hilarious-ass joke to put their 6-foot Boa Constrictor into their mailbox and surprise their unsuspecting mailman/woman.

“I thought it was funny. Looking back on it, it isn’t, and it wasn’t,” he said.

He’s lucky I wasn’t delivering his freaking mail, because I would have jumped back into my little mailtruck and run the mailbox over. Then backed up and run it over again. When the boa was significantly flatter, my next instinct would probably be to wrap it up into a nice parcel and mail it back to the owner.

I’m not a big fan of snakes. Obvious or no?

Next stop, Russia! Vladmir Putin kisses a boy “like a kitten“. Putin tells the press about the kiss:

“I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act.”

In related news, Michael Jackson was in court again. This time, it’s because he owed money to a former adviser that Jackson had fired in 2001.

Also, interestingly enough, scientists have discovered that Mammoths came in Blond and Brunette.

A group of persons who feel the spelling of the english language should be reworked are still lobbying for change to a simplified spelling, that is, “to spel wurdz the wae thae sound“.

Why in the hell are we even discussing this? Perhaps so lazy retards can have a better chance at SAT scores, I have no idea.

Ok, I cheated with this article – it appeared on Fark yesterday, but it is perfect for our next cliche: Man Sues Over Sperm Bank Hidden Camera. Here comes the cliche:

Cliches aren’t complete without that one.

In the midst of the war and disaster that has broken out across the world, something truly diabolical has arisen between New Zealand and Australia: “Australia has upset near-neighbor New Zealand with television advertisements depicting some of its rugged rugby players carrying women’s handbags.” Some people are pissed because they want their holy city back, others just want to blow other people up with bombs, and some are just vehemently against the man-bag. It’s good that we’re keeping things in perspective.

Today’s news in cliche has been brought to you by:

The HA! HA! Guy

O RLY?

I’d Hit It

Icy Hot Stuntaz

0wned

and the WTF Cat.

Today, thanks to Dan Quayle and the invention of the internet, news is abundant, not to mention redundant.

Google News is one of my main sources of news. It’s handy because it picks the day’s top headlines in a few different categories and sort of “collects” all of the articles pertaining to that particular headline for you to choose from – and for many headlines, there are anywhere between hundreds to thousands to read all about the same topic.

I have no idea how the hot topics of the day are chosen – for example, today under the Entertainment section, one of the hot news flashes happens to be that the dog from Frasier died. Sad as that may be, is that really pressing news that Americans absolutely need to know? Then again, it’s the Entertainment category and I can’t think of anything more pressing on the celebrity circuit unless my wish came true and Lindsay Lohan was hit by a bus of people wearing “Fire Crotch” t-shirts. But enough about celebrities and their ridiculous lives; I’m not some pathetic moron who spends their time talking about them. I have important news to relay to you, like how horrible Paris Hilton’s new video is.

I have a lot of news articles saved up from over the last week, but my absolute favorite one arrived the other day: Authorities at the Palm Beach International Airport detained Rush Limbaugh for more than 3 hours, after finding Viagra in his possession. The Viagra did not have Limbaugh’s name on it – the doctor wrote a prescription with the doctor’s name on it, so no one would know it really was for Rush Limbaugh.

Trip to the doctor to ask him to keep your Viagra order a secret: $10 copay

Bottle of Viagra: $350

Reading all about your Viagra on the internet: Priceless

Speaking of the press and their big mouths, there’s a big bruhaha going on between the NY Times and Peter King, Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee. What happened was, the NY Times did a Geraldo, running a report on how the U.S. Government has been catching a lot of terrorists through a “secret financial monitoring program”. Now that the NY Times has spilled the beans, it will be impossible to catch terrorists this way again because, and apparently the publication didn’t think of this before, terrorists can read. The outrage stirs up the old debate of whether the press is more concerned about getting a scoop than they are with national security.

However the war in Iraq isn’t totally lost. One of Saddam Hussein’s attorneys was recently killed by masked gunmen, and in protest, Saddam proclaimed a hunger strike, refusing to eat his meals. Apparently he wasn’t all that fond of his lawyer because he only missed one meal. Once dinner was served, he ate his meal. Maybe we tricked him into eating by telling him we were serving the blood of his enemies. Yeah, we’re sneaky little infidel bastards. Oh, while we’re on the subject, there’s been some talk about a report that was released regarding WMD’s found in Iraq since we invaded. Apparently we’ve found a lot of really old weapons caches, some people say they are degraded and beyond use, some say they’re still dangerous. In either case, there is no proof that Iraq has created any new WMD’s over the past few years, but the Democrats have lashed out at Republicans saying, “You suck.” Republicans responded, “Bite me.”

There’s actually a lot to cover about Iraq, so I’m just going to make it short and sweet so we can get to the good stuff – like how much Paris Hilton sucks. Ok, so everyone knows that the Democrats all want to start putting together a plan for pulling our troops out of Iraq. The House voted on setting a timetable and it was shot down. Undaunted or insane, and knowing full well it would continue to get shot down, Democrats prepared to bring it up again and call another vote. Meanwhile, Iraq has asked Japanese troops to start departing from southern Iraq, where things have been pretty peaceful. This may or may not be interesting news, because the Japanese claim to be pacifists, so who knows how helpful they may have been. I mean, as pacifists, what in the world could they possibly fight terror with – grenades that explode used panties purchased from vending machines? At any rate, when I read that, I was actually pleased that the Japanese had worked with the Iraqi government on their pull-out date, rather than just up and leaving them high and dry. (Yeah, that was a mean stab at Dems, sorry.) Anyway, shortly after all that happened, the Iraqi government is trying to offer amnesty to insurgents.

Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Wednesday proposed a limited amnesty to help end the Sunni Arab insurgency as part of a national reconciliation plan that Maliki said would be released within days. The plan is likely to include pardons for those who had attacked only U.S. troops, a top adviser said. (Washington Post)

The Denver Post also has a nice, short article on it that is a pretty good read: Caution on Iraq Amnesty Plan. Now Democrats are furious because of all that America has done for Iraq, and all of the soldiers who have died or been wounded in the line of duty will go unpunished.

Ok, so keeping in mind that the House voted against the timetable for bringing troops home:

Senate Democrats reacted angrily yesterday to a report that the U.S. commander in Iraq had privately presented a plan for significant troop reductions in the same week they came under attack by Republicans for trying to set a timetable for withdrawal. (Washington Post)

Bush responded to the plan saying he was working with the top U.S. Commander in Iraq, General George Casey, saying that whatever recommendation came from Gen. Casey, it would be geared toward achieving victory. And cake.

Moving along. Over the years, the workforce has placed importance on different things, whether it be a work from home policy or casual dress. Now, a new trend is emerging in the office space: Pet-friendly work environments.

She can do ‘sit,’ ‘lie down’ and ‘shake hands’.

The next step will be teaching these same manners to co-workers.

One of the Backstreet Boys has quit the band. Americans left wondering, “The Backstreet Boys were still together? WTF?” It’s a world gone mad.

In the f*cking awesome department, stem cell research has cured a rat of paralysis.

In scientific news, a huge asteriod will fly past earth on July 3. The asteroid will be so “uncomfortably close” that onlookers with a good telescope can watch it fly by. For the paranoid, the article includes a link to LiveScience’s “Top 10 Ways to Destroy Earth“.

Here’s something amusing for you – CBS apparently doesn’t know the difference between China and Japan.

Andrea Yates, a mother who drowned three of her five children, is appealing her conviction. Why they had to go through a trial to find that she was completely nutso for killing her babies is beyond me. But now she is appealing, attributing this to severe postpardum psychosis.

Those verdicts as well as community outreach and education efforts about mental illness are encouraging to Yates’ attorneys and advocates, who say her severe postpartum psychosis prevented her from knowing her action was wrong. (ABC News)

Tom Cruise unavailable for comment.

Concerns over Somalia increase. If you have not been following what is happening there, take a gander at the article from Human Events Online, called “Stability Comes to Somalia, but at What Cost for Women?” It’s one page of reading, very informative, and it won’t hurt you. Islamic militias are now ruling in Mogadishu, and the strict laws that are being enforced are causing great concern that they are not on the path to becoming a Taliban-like government.

Some of the new chiefs in Mogadishu are taking quick steps to enforce what they consider Islamic law. In some places, they prevented Somalis from watching the World Cup on the grounds that Islamic law bans Western films and television (and men wearing shorts!) Militia men even entered houses and brutally beat anyone watching the games. In addition to arresting men and shaving their heads, the militias have instituted a ban on coed beaches even when women wear full-length dresses on these beaches.

Globeandmail.com reports that the Islamic Courts Union has convicted five rapists to death by stoning. Many fear that this is another sign of a strict, Taliban-like government. Personally, I think it’s great policy. But that’s just me.

Last but not least, Paris Hilton’s new video is out. The video is basically about Paris dancing around, looking like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, singing a really horrible song that sucked so much, Britney Spears probably turned it down and that’s why Paris recorded it. Not being able to get through a great deal of the song, I found the lyrics.

Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride

Okay, am I the only person who just got this image in their head?

That’s all for this week. Stay tuned for more news.

Now that most of the halffull writers are back, I will reinstitute an old custom: The weekly news update. However, I need a name for my news report. Any ideas? Comment below with your suggestions.

And now for the news.

For those of you who did not follow this year’s “American Idol”, you didn’t miss much. The winner, Taylor Hicks, whom I predict in three years will be relegated to performing lounge acts in Vegas as an opening act for Tom Jones, has been recently voted as People Magazine’s Hottest Bachelor. For some bizarre reason, the masses have been charmed by his gray hair and long, shaggy eyebrows, and have somehow decided that he looks like George Clooney. I assure you, this is not the case at all. Halffull has done some extensive research and has discovered that Taylor Hicks is, in fact, Jay Leno’s mini-me. Our research is guaranteed to be factual because it was done over the internet. By ninjas. Internet ninjas. Yeah.

Suddenly, Al Gore is popular. Thanks to the wonders of movie making, written scripts and editing, Al is apparently saying things that are pertinent to today’s world. His documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth” is 100 minutes reiterating the importance of global warming. What is it that is important for you to know? He’s promised not to run for presidency again. Hot diggety dog! Floridian voters, you may sleep well tonight.

This past week as I was flipping channels (as you know I am wont to do), I came across something extremely interesting on Fox News. To be quite honest, I still am not sure what in the holy hell was going on, but a well-groomed female Fox reporter was in heated dialogue with the frumpiest, granola-eating, psycho Christian Fundamentalist they could find. By the time I stumbled upon this gem, I couldn’t even understand what the argument was about because the two women were screaming at each other and it was impossible to understand what they were saying until Granola shouted out, “You think gay pride, BIMBO!” And then I was laughing so hard I couldn’t really follow what happened after. Go here to Johnny Dollar’s blog to see either the entire thing, or select the best bits of the shouting match. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

In the ironic department, Nestle is buying Jenny Craig. If you think about it, it’s the perfect marketing strategy: After they turn us all into fat asses, they’re going to sell us Jenny Craig. Or annoy us to death with Kirstie Alley until we give in and buy Jenny Craig. Genius.

Britney Spears has hit the news again, in her first interview since she had her baby, Cheeto Double-Wide Federline. Or whatever his name is. All I know is that it’s a crying shame what’s happened to her. The media was very forgiving back when she was sweet and cute. Now that she’s fat, trashy, and dropping her baby everywhere, it’s hard to be forgiving. I found the transcript of her interview and I have to point out that I can’t understand half of what she says.

“But you are kinda puttin’ more of your soul out there with your music and I think maybe the public feels like they know you. And when that happens it’s more of an attachment there and with the tabloids.”

Wut?

“I’m not doin’ anything right now so no one’s talking about my career. You know. When I do, they will talk trust me. But right now, no. They’re you know … it’s about him right now and he has no reason to be jealous.”

You know?

My favorite parts of this interview have to be where she doesn’t deny keeping K-Fed in the basement (come on, let me dream!) and that she says K-Fed is working very hard. I can imagine that partying hard all night and day, spending Britney’s money is hard work. Actually, reports are coming in that he got an actual job as the face of Blue Marlin clothing. I’ve never heard of Blue Marlin clothing, but I can imagine that any fashion-forward clothing company would want to snatch up the fashionista that is K-Fed. Every day I look in the mirror and I wonder why I have not yet found that special someone who looks like they bathe in a prison toilet.

Here’s the cover of his first single. He must have been scratching his ass again, because he’s giving his fingers a good whiff.

Stay tuned for next week’s news.

After the thirteen days of heavy rioting, the police put a curfew in effect which apparently magically made the rioting all better. Officials claim that the situation has drastically improved since enforcing the curfew. I have been especially interested in the rioting, so I have been following this activity closely. The following is a chart I put together to monitor the situation:

As you can see, we lost President Chirac early on. Somehow he was lost in the stratosphere, but since he really has no bearing on the status of the country anyway it was no big loss. The rioting and malaise are indeed linked, and parallel the automobiles burned, which makes sense. Gérard Depardieu’s nose saw some growth during this time, while the nation’s joi de vie spiked early on in the rioting and then plummeted. Pepe Le Peu remained constant during the crisis, which was a huge help to the French people in President Chirac’s incompetence – I mean absence.

As French officials are now claiming that the rioting is indeed deescalating, the press has not really reported much, giving the general public the idea that everything has resumed to “normal” levels. And considering how the French government has been handling the crisis so far, I can only guess as to what that means. U.S. satellites have been monitoring the country, and this image was released:

As you can see from this image, the violence may have decreased but it is definitely not at a level most people would consider acceptable. Also, the French are more hairy than originally believed.

The violence may be subsiding, but many believe that the problems are only beginning. The Toronto Star has a very interesting article regarding the social climate of the racism issue in Europe. Fridia Ghidis writes:

“For a while, clever European politicians thought they had found an elegant way to dodge the continent’s long-running dilemma of a shrinking “white” population, a need for more young workers, and a not-so-secret wish to keep away immigrants from non-white countries.”

It’s quite an interesting read and only a semi-lengthy article, so hop on over and take a look. Over or not? From what it appears thus far, the tension has been escalating for a long while and this kind of a problem cannot be solved overnight. It’s unfortunate that violence has erupted everywhere, but perhaps now people will recognize that the “whites only” attitude is completely unacceptable. Not to sound heartless, but it almost sounds like they brought it on themselves. I hope they can make the change. And maybe do something about that excess hair problem.

Edit: Special thanks to Evil Iggy for his contribution to this article.

Interestingly enough, according to recent studies done by various non-profit organizations whose focuses and goals are to support the Bill of Rights (or particular amendments) and create awareness, only 40% of Americans can list even one right granted by the first amendment. Even more frightening is that only approximately 2% of Americans can list the first ten amendments (the Bill of Rights). In case you are one of these people, the first amendment right that I am referring to in this case is the First Amendment, and more specifically the freedom of speech. I wish that I had one amazing link for you to click so you could grasp the first amendment in its entirety, but the first amendment covers so many different things that its meaning and how it specifically applies is still being argued today.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
- The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution

It’s a beautiful thing. Here are a couple of links you may or may not care to check out regarding this:
University of Missouri Kansas City, page on First Amendment Law
FirstAmendmentCenter.Org.

A list of all amendments:
House of Representatives

But let’s get back to the original argument. I am amazed that with the recent scandals of name dropping (Valerie Plame CIA Leak) and anonymous sources with false information (Newsweek), another finger is being pointed at the blogging community. I find this personally offensive. To me, this does not infer that bloggers are irresponsible with what they say, instead it suggests that anyone who reads these kinds of websites do not have enough common sense to detect sarcasm, satire and opinion, and separate it from fact. My guess is this is because paid news sources are concerned about (#1) the almighty dollar, and (#2) the common reader is too stupid to sift through material and decide on what is fact, because obviously the common man and woman blindly believes everything that is reported.

Since I began sifting through various news articles and websites for my news report, I have become more selective and critical about the articles I read. In many ways, I have begun to appreciate blogs more and more, not just for the humor value, but because it’s nice to read something plainly, instead of having to sift through a lot of insinuation and wordy fluff. For example, take a look at the recent attacks on President Bush from Dems and the Press regarding whether or not the Bush Administration intentionally misled the American people on Iraq.

Most of you know of the criticism regarding the Iraqi war. Bill Clinton and John Kerry have been a couple of people repeatedly seen in the press, criticizing the war in Iraq and President Bush. The jist of it is, the Bush Administration intentionally misled the American people and Congress regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, twisting the facts of the intelligence documents and lying outright about it, and that President Bush is a big wanker.

After local elections saw many Democrats voted in, it was taken as a sign that voters were against Bush and that the entire GOP party was paying for it. Here’s one of many articles supporting this: Has Bush become election liability?

“‘The thinking of it is that if the president comes he can activate the Republican base and those people who perhaps wouldn’t have gone to the polls in fact would go to the polls because they would be animated by what he had to say… As it turns out it appears that his appearance activated the Democratic base…’ Dr Halper told the BBC.”

FIGHT! FIGHT! Now the Bush Administration has to respond. It is being widely reported that Bush’s ratings are lower than ever, everyone hates the GOP and that Bush sucks big hairy balls.

In the past week or so, the press has been all aflutter with a rebuttal from Bush. This CNN article called “Greenfield: Bush Trying to Turn the Table on Dems” reports:

“In an address Monday at Elmendorf Air Force Base in Alaska, President Bush accused war critics of ‘playing politics with this issue and … sending mixed signals to our troops and the enemy.’”

Bush Administration’s rebuttal to all of this criticism is the intelligence provided to them on Iraq was the exact intelligence shown to the Clinton Administration, and even though we did not go to war during his presidency, Clinton’s assessment had been pretty much the same as Bush’s had been, and that Bush is rubber, Democrats are glue, whatever you say bounces off of him and sticks to you.

You guessed it, here comes the shouting match. Democrats and the press alike have stepped up their verbal attacks on the Bush Administration, accusing them of twisting the intelligence information on Iraq, manipulating Congress, the UN, and your momma. Richard Cohen of the Washington Post sums up his dislike of the President’s speech in his article “Ignoring the Facts”:

“We can endlessly debate the facts of the Iraq war — and we will. More important, though, is the mind-set of those in the administration, from the president on down, who had those facts — or, as we shall see, none at all — and mangled them in the cause of going to war with Iraq. For example, the insistence that Hussein was somehow linked to the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001 — a leitmotif of Bush administration geopolitical fantasy — tells you much more than whether this or that fact was right. It tells you that to Bush and his people, the facts did not matter.”

The article explains where Bush supplied false information and gives further criticism to his actions surrounding the war, if you care to give it a read… and if you can stand the many hyphens and commas. It’s only about a page long.

The sound of the shouting between Dems and the Bush Administration is deafening. No better time than the present for Vice President Dick Cheney to emerge, mysteriously unscathed from the indictments in the CIA Leak. The San Francisco Chronicle reports in their article, “Cheney: War critics are opportunists, he says senators of both parties saw Hussein as a threat”:

“Speaking at a Wednesday night dinner of the Frontiers of Freedom Institute, a conservative research organization, Cheney said Democrats who say they were misled by the administration are ‘making a play for political advantage in the middle of a war.’ “‘The president and I cannot prevent certain politicians from losing their memory, or their backbone,’ Cheney said. ‘But we’re not going to sit back and let them rewrite history.’”

Now, that took me a really long time to sift through so many different articles in order to be able to decide on the facts for myself. There are times that I would really prefer to be able to just read one article that sums things up nicely so I don’t have to read twenty different articles on one subject. Wouldn’t it have been better if I could have just read:

Criticism of the Bush Administration and the War in Iraq:
Press: You lied!
Dems: Everyone hates you!
Bush: Kiss my ass!
Dems: Impeachment!
Press: Hooray!
Cheney: Uh, Mission Accomplished?
Everyone: Shut up!

See? Wasn’t that better? And you didn’t have to cut through twenty different articles just to figure all that out.

Yeah, I’m stalling on this week’s news report. I think I’m going to need another cup of coffee before I start sifting through the almighty mountain of news articles again.

French President Jacques Chirac decided to stop being a useless tool when, after eleven nights of violent rioting, he finally decided to say something about it. I guess the first ten days of violence and burning are okay, but once you reach that eleventh day, you’ve gone way too far. Reports claim the rioting has spread to 300 towns across France and into Belgium and Germany. Last night a man was beaten to death by a rioter, becoming the first reported death since the violent outbreak. President Chirac is facing extreme criticism for his inability to handle the rioting – why this is such a surprise is anyone’s guess. Reportedly, Chirac has two different plans proposed on how to face the crisis: A) Call in US and UK forces to handle the situation and afterwards harshly criticize them before the UN for occupying France, or B) Surrender. No word yet on what the decision will be.

A cruise liner was attacked off the coast of Somalia. According to an ABC News report:

“That gang is one of three well-organized pirate groups on the 1,880-mile coast of Somalia, which has had no effective government since opposition leaders ousted a dictatorship in 1991 and then turned on each other, leaving the nation of 7 million a patchwork of warlord fiefdoms.”

While many reports claim that the attackers were pirates, others claim it could be the work of terrorists. Just pick whichever one causes the most panic and hysteria, and that’s the one reporters meant. Cruise staff stuffed their 151 passengers into the dining area while the captain, who rushed to the deck in his bathrobe, maneuvered the boat into another direction and outran the attackers. After an hour, it was over for the passengers, but not the media who are milking this puppy for all its worth.

The Colbert report debuted last month, originally intended as an eight-week stint, has been extended into 2006. I didn’t think much of this show when I watched the first episode, but after giving it a second chance I thought it was quite witty – much more entertaining, in fact, than The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He had me at “America’s cornered the market in balls.” Oh yeah, we’ve got big brass ones, baby.

In other television news, Matt LeBlanc, who played the dumb guy in “Friends”, will be producing a sci-fi thriller set in WWII. Must… watch… train wreck… Can’t… look… away…

Now that Scooter Libby has been indicted, questions are apparently being raised as to how Bush’s inner circle does business – as if no one was wondering before. Democrats are furious that Libby’s defense has taken the “I don’t remember” stance, because they really want to crucify anyone near Bush. Then again, elections are around the corner, and if they want to regain the presidency, they’d better get busy defaming Republicans everywhere – as if the GOP needed help making themselves look bad, especially this year. I find it quite ironic that when it comes to rapists and murderers, Democrats shy away from harsh punishment. On the other hand, when it comes to the GOP, they’re demanding blood. Perhaps if they would correct their stance on criminal punishment, they’d “get their man.” Confused about the CIA Leak Case? Start here: Q&A with Timeline. If you click that link, you will need to refresh it once for the article to appear. CS Monitor articles load funny from links.

Greenspan is out, and Bernake is in. With nothing important to talk about, reporters reflect on his SAT scores, calling him the smartest chairman ever. Bernake scored at 1590, beating redshift by a small percentage. Damn smart people.

Jessica Simpson reportedly has been in therapy, due to the stress and strain of rumors about her marriage splitting up. “I respect knowledge of the psyche” she was quoted as saying, after someone had to write it down for her and help her pronounce “psyche” correctly. “I would be a therapist if I weren’t an entertainer,” she says. Oh man, that’s a joke in itself. I mean, you can’t make this crap up.

As for the other Simpson: Didn’t catch Ashlee drunk at McDonald’s? You can catch it at the Superficial.

The CIA has been accused of having “secret jails” all over Europe. Governments everywhere are denying knowledge or involvement of said jails, also known as “black sites” that were allegedly set up after 9/11. The European Union is looking into it, which is kind of hard, given that these jails are secret. For now, everyone is acting surprised, even though no one really is.

And that’s it for your weekly news update.

Here are some examples:

Alito: New Choice
Democrat Armageddon!
O sloppy seconds…

Madonna is back
Here is a secret for you:
Enough, fake accent!

Stolen photos of
Britney and Cletus offspring
Quick to whore their child

Submit your news haikus in the comments section below! And don’t be a weenie about the comments section – I don’t bite.