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Here is a Haiku for Monday. This one sums up my day to a T…

Such a Monday…

Oh Vending Menace,
You ate my money, so cruel!
Chocolate? Denied!

Happy Tuesday everyone!

At some point in celebrities’ useless lives, they cease to exist as celebrities and become brand names. This disturbing trend is becoming more and more commonplace and the rest of us “little people” can’t seem to get enough. The media is completely obsessed with the goings-on of the rich and famous, stalking them day and night, photographing them everywhere they go and reporting any rumor they can get their grubby little hands on, no matter how insane. Television shows are dedicated solely to reporting the amount of money celebs spend on clothing, where they went on vacation or how much their spectacularly stupid weddings cost; complete with timer to tell you how long the marriage lasted. The paparazzi thrives because a lot of people are infatuated with the goings on of the world’s celebrities – and how much we can make fun of them. I’m one of those people.

The Rise and Degradation of Britney Spears

Britney Spears has released a new perfume, the second fragrance of her beauty product line. This came as a huge shock to me because, judging from her recent appearance, I thought her to be the last person on earth to have any association with beauty products, let alone an entire line of products. Although it’s not as if Britney is actually throwing herself into a think-tank with scientists and beauticians to brainstorm these commodities: that would be cosmetic powerhouse Elizabeth Arden, and Britney’s name is simply the brand. Sadly, Britney is not smart enough to think of those things on her own.

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Let’s take a little test, shall we? Don’t worry, you’ll like it.

• Do you enjoy waking up in the morning?
• Are you a discerning gentleman who enjoys the good things in life?
• When you go into work, do you look like you’ve shaved with…
• • … a chainsaw?
• • … a wet badger?
• • … nothing? (au naturale)

Ok, that last one was a trick question. Badger is correct.

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Over the next couple of months there are some important things happening. Basically, it’s my chance to tell you what awesome books and games are being released, as well as some holidays and their history - for both U.S. and Canada (Annual Bathtub Races!). I don’t really have a beat on what’s happening for movies because they’re so expensive and so lame as of late that I haven’t really been paying attention. But if you know of any that needs mentioning, post below in the comments section with a date. Or if I missed anything else that you feel is particularly worth noting, comment below.

Wednesday, September 21
ABC’s Lost – That’s tomorrow people, so get on the ball! If you want to catch up, here is a site that gives you a general rundown for each episode. For more details and spoilers, click “Recap” under each episode listing. It’s definitely worth catching up on for tomorrow night.

Monday, September 26
Sly 3: Honor Among Thieves is released for PS2 – Great game for all ages, fun quests and puzzles, a whole lot of fun. Thumbs up for Sly and the gang. I have a friend who has played the last two with his six year old daughter, and confirms that they are age appropriate – for the both of them.

Tuesday, September 27
Family Guy: Stewie Griffin, the Untold Story DVD. Previously unseen material except by those who have been downloading it for free. He commands you to buy it.

Monday, October 3
Oktoberfest Ends — Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to drink as much beer as you possibly can until Oktoberfest ends. Do we have any readers who are beer connoisseurs? Post below with your recommendations and we’ll get it added here.

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Today is International “Talk Like A Pirate Day”! Hopefully I’m not the only person who finds this particularly lame. Apparently, a couple of really bored guys decided it would be cool if the entire world and all the people in it had a designated day for people everywhere to talk like a pirate. This is not cool, nor is it entertaining. Should anyone talk like a pirate to me, I will proceed to jam my pen up their nose. In fact, I’m going to reclaim today as “Talking Like Pirates Is For Losers Day”. Got that, matey?

Still, should you insist on talking like a pirate, the website has a small list of pirate jargon and useful definitions for the most inexperienced seafarer, including some top ten lists such as the one listed below.

Note to readers: The pick up lines below will definitely not work.

Top 10 Pirate Pick-Up Lines
10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
1. Prepare to be boarded.

Today’s notable events include:

Today, back in 1983, the [final episode of MASH](http://www.mash4077.co.uk/classic/goodbye.html “Final Episode of MASH) aired.

President James A. Garfield died this day in 1881. He was our 20th president.

Today is the birthday of:
Adam West
Paul Williams
Jimmy Fallon

In Japan, today is “Respect for the Aged” Day. If you don’t respect old people, you will dishonor everyone in the entire world and your head will hang in shame. FOREVER.

And most importantly, dessert trumps pirates any day: National Butterscotch Pudding Day is today — and that’s ten times better than talking like a pirate.

For the first time in over a decade, I have returned to school. While I hold a full-time job, I am taking two classes at the local community college. Were it not for my company’s tuition reimbursement program, I would have had second thoughts about attending due to the expense. The last time I had attended a community college, a full load of credits cost around $450, which I was able to pay for by myself. Now, I am taking two classes (7 credits) and it has cost me $750 – and that’s not even counting books and supplies. Still, it’s a cheaper option than a four-year institution, although I was quite surprised at the cost.

The biggest surprise so far has been the amount of adults I have seen around the campus. Twice this week I have had to stop by the school in the middle of the day, and I was amazed at how many adult students were wandering the campus. My evening and weekend classes are also now quite mixed: I had expected the majority of students to be people aged 27 and up, but it’s actually divided down the middle. Many students are around my parents’ ages, so I must wonder if more adults are starting to return to school.

But I digress; let me tell you where I’m going with all this: I’ve spent a lot of money on school over the past two weeks, movies are way too expensive to pay for and I need a personal loan just to fill up my gas tank. It’s time to get creative with our entertainment as we have very little money to spend on it. Let’s talk cheap entertainment.

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We don’t normally post images, but hey, it’s a Friday. These are old so you’ve probably seen them before, but some jokes just never go out of style.

Three weeks ago, I set out a challenge for Halffull readers who may be affected by stink, filth, and underwear with skid marks, to send in photos of rooms that no normal person would dare enter prior to donning a biohazard suit, whether the room be yours or someone else’s. The winner (and I admit that I would probably only award the person who had a crusty, half-eaten bowl of Spaghettios somewhere in the photo) would receive a nice box of assorted cleaners and soaps, and a Halffull stein. The site stats showed that many people had read my article, a surprising number actually, and that many of the readers had either printed or emailed it. And yet, I received no photos. My assumption is that many of you were so afraid you would win the competition and the photo of your room would be posted and Jessica Simpson would miraculously find her way to this site to see it and your chances with her would be blown.

I want you all to know that this is the dumbest argument I’ve ever heard because I really don’t think Jessica Simpson knows what a computer is, let alone how to work one.

At any rate, no one emailed me photos, although I know the stink is out there, lurking among us. Or at the very least, people with some really unclean keyboards, because I checked the site stats and one of the top key phrases used to find this site is “show me pr0n” and there is no pr0n here, people. At all. However, what I did receive was a few different emails asking me for further information, as well as some embarrassing questions. Let’s get to it.

There’s no easy way to start off this one, so I’ll just come right out and say it. I received an email from a very nice, but embarrassed guy about the dreaded back-acne. Continue Reading »

Let me tell you something about where I live, the great state of Alabama. It is too damn hot.

We have two seasons, the hot season and the holy shit it’s hot season. Guess which one it is right now! I’ll give you a hint: my eyeballs are poaching inside my skull like tiny eggs.

You may have heard people say “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” If you live up north, or even in the desert out west, you might think you can imagine what this means, but you CAN’T. It is so humid outside right now, that it is no cooler in the shade than in the direct sunlight. When the breeze blows it is not refreshing, just hot wet air moving instead of sitting still. There is water standing at the roadsides from rain two days ago that can’t evaporate. Sweating just adds to the discomfort, because there is no air capable of taking away the hot sticky moisture.

The only available relief is going indoors, because car air conditioners are not powerful enough to overcome the intense heat radiating off the dash and seats, let alone pouring in through the windows like nuclear death. Getting in a car that has been sitting in the sun all day in Alabama is like climbing inside a running nuclear reactor with a bottle of Tabasco up your ass. The next person who asks me “hot enough for ya??” as they walk by is going to get punched in the kidney.

I have lived here all my life, so I should be used to it… I am not. I have decided not to go outside again until October.

The other night I was playing one of my WoW noobs when my computer completely froze up on me. I shut it off, waited a few seconds, and then started it up again. Unfortunately, my little magic computer gnomes decided to go AWOL. From somewhere inside my computer they said to me, “click click click click click,” at which point redshift’s head SNAPPED in the direction of my computer, then he sucked in his breath and stared up at the ceiling. After a few seconds he gave me the “put your hands in the air and step away from the computer” motion. My computer has not worked since.

Whatever happened was not my fault. Up until that point I had been playing my WoW noob, and for some reason I said something to redshift about Vanilla Ice. (I don’t remember what it was now) and he thought it would be funny to cue up the “Havin A Roni” song. If you haven’t heard this song, don’t run out and listen to it. I’ll just sum it up for you. Over and over, the Vanilla Ice repeats “What it’s like, havin a roni.” That’s the whole song, just that line. And who knows what the hell a roni is? Naturally, I take this matter to my guild. The conversation is short, and goes something like this:

Me: (redshift) is playing that Vanilla Ice song, “Havin a Roni.” WTH is a roni?!
Grimvalt: Rice-a-Roni?
Caulbraen: Maybe it’s a penis since he doesn’t have one
Grimvalt: Is it really the San Francisco treat?

And then my computer lost its will to live. Much like Padme in Star Wars: Episode III, except that my computer’s reasoning is much more substantial. On the other hand, I think I may have discovered why my guild’s new membership is down and thousands of people are flocking to the Dark Iron server to join the guys of PvP Online and Penny Arcade instead.

For those of you who haven’t heard because you either don’t play games or don’t read comic sites or possibly live in the proverbial cave, PvP Online and Penny Arcade have started opposing guilds on the Dark Iron server, where buttloads of people are flocking to join. And when I say “buttloads,” I mean BUTTLOADS. Apparently there are so many people on this server that there is an hour wait just to log in. And yet, the flood of people hasn’t stopped: A third comic site, Ctrl+Alt+Del, has hopped on the bandwagon and started their own guild on the same server, horde side, to hang out with [PvP Online](http://www.pvponline.com/”PvP Online”).

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