Halffull.org

Deet! Doot! Deet! Doot! Deet!

The following takes place between 10:00pm and 11:00pm.

Jack Bauer is driving down a dark road in Los Angeles at nighttime in a black SUV. It is very late. Despite it being the city of Los Angeles, there are no lights. Everything is very, very dark and ominous. He picks up his cell phone and makes sure you understand that it is Motorola or AT&T or something he can kick a terrorist’s ass with. Mashing a speed dial button with extreme urgency, he slams the phone up to his ear.

The urgency of the situation causes him to scream into the phone. “Chloe! It’s Jack!”

“Jack?” Chloe asks, annoyed. “Why are you shouting? I am indoors and you are in a luxurious 2007 bulletproof SUV and it’s totally quiet inside. With my sophisticated technology I can tell that you don’t even have the radio on.”

“What technology?” Jack shouts.

“I can’t tell you that. It’s classified. Need-to-know basis only, and you don’t need to know for this mission,” she says rather snottily. “So why are you shouting at me if you can hear my snideness so clearly?”

“I don’t know,” Jack rasps, still screaming into her ear.

“Well my ears are bleeding so I’m going to transfer you to Mr. Buchanan. Thanks a lot, jerk - I mean, Jack.”

“Chloe, wait! I need a throat lozenge, and for some reason I am gasping for breath as if I’ve just run a triathlon! Of course this makes no sense because I’ve been reclining in this very comfortable SUV for the past fifteen minutes. At any rate, I need you to triangulate my position and send a team to bring me some Ricola!”

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When I need a new computer, I rely on my wife. She’s the expert.

wife: what about from Falcon?
wife: I’m totally going to check their site and price out a spectacular computer for you
wife: you’ll be totally amazed at my computer prowess

wife: MACH 5!
wife: the best of the best
wife: and it involves silicon
wife: which is like big boobies
wife: so obviously this is the one you want to get
wife: and I’m going to configure it for you as well

wife: I clicked on the “Bragging Rights” computer
wife: which costs slightly less than your car did.
wife: ok how about the middle one?
wife: it’s like $5k
wife: that’s chump change!
wife: for donald trump.

wife: i selected the chassis with teh FLAMES
wife: what’s a computer chassis?
wife: I don’t know
wife: but this one has FLAMES

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According to the Oxford Dictionary, a community is “a group of people living together in one place; a group of people with a common religion, race, or profession; the holding of certain attitudes and interests in common.” Thusly, those who play computer games have also become a community known either as “the gaming community” or simply “gamers”. Within the community, many smaller groups make up the collective. For example, we have those who just like to play solitaire and minesweeper, and consider themselves people who play computer games, but are really not considered gamers by the rest of the community. And rightfully so - there’s a big difference between a gripping 15-minute game of spider solitaire (addicting as it is) to a bajillion-hour game of Everquest. There are the strategy game-players, the roleplaying (RPG) gamers, as well as the first-person shooters - and many, many more. In this last group, there is a bit of elitism and snobbery to be found. Many of the first-person shooters feel themselves above and beyond people who play other games, and they snub their noses at those who play the RPG’s. Let’s not beat around the bush - those who play only first-person shooters (for example, Doom) think of themselves higher than the rest of the gaming community. As an example I give you: Every other time I walk into an EB Games. Continue Reading »

A friend emailed a series of pictures to me that have been passed around the internet. In light of this past Independence Day Holiday, I decided to throw one of the pictures up. It sums up my thoughts exactly.

Welcome back from the holiday, everyone. Now back to the grind, workin’ for the man.

In ye olden days, people used the telegraph or a lone, brave postman to deliver tidings. News was sparse and difficult to come by.

Today, thanks to Dan Quayle and the invention of the internet, news is abundant, not to mention redundant.

Google News is one of my main sources of news. It’s handy because it picks the day’s top headlines in a few different categories and sort of “collects” all of the articles pertaining to that particular headline for you to choose from - and for many headlines, there are anywhere between hundreds to thousands to read all about the same topic.

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Good morning. This morning, I have a few things bouncing around in the brain. First and foremost I am absolutely dumbfounded with the lack of professionalism and careless reporting of local “news” media groups, especially the crack “news” crew of Buffalo. Allow me to paint an exciting picture of the average “news” broadcast that simple minded Buffalonians tune in to; the gospel according to Irv. (A little inside there)

“Tonight’s top story: A squirrel has chewed through a homeless man’s shin. This and more at 11.” (The preceding was not true. This never happned, but would probably be on the “news”.)

This is not news. This is unfortunate, but not news. This is the sort of event that should be posted on Halffull.org. The rest of the “news” would be some lame-ass tongue-in-cheek between some fugly looking, wanna-be primadonnas who dress circa 1983. They will pretend to wax intellectual about a freaking pumpkin fest or some damned fool who makes some tasty chili. It gets worse.

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Good morning. I am Wilford Brimley and I have the diabetes.

I have a bone to pick with all of you. First and foremost I would like to share an anecdote. The other day while I was shopping for a few hundred pounds of fine Quaker brand oats, I was approached by a crazed lunatic. Before me was a gentleman dressed in a wizard’s cloak holding an owl and a broadsword. I was dumbfounded. I have never seen anything like this while riding horses on my ranch in the Rockies.

I asked the gentleman,”Sir, why do you hold an owl and a broadsword. And why are you staring at me.”

He replied, “Foul Goblin Warchief Gnut-Kreft, silence yourself before I cast a level 12 fireball spell at you!”

I had no idea what he was carrying on about. So, I asked him. “Son what the devil are you carrying on about?”

“SILENCE! You are the devil and I will slay you!!”

At this point I was feeling a bit threatened.

I thought to myself for a moment, “Does this guy know who he is dealing with? I am Wilfrod freaking Brimley! I once wrestled three Grizzly Bears to death by tearing their faces off.”

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The Editing Room has released a new abridged script for Domino. Head on over and check out the improved, more hilarious story of how Domino Harvey became a bownty hunta.

In case you haven’t stopped by Penny Arcade for the latest comic, go now. It took me a while before I could stop laughing.

Dear Blue Midget,

Halffull usually has updates every day, but over the past week there have only been a couple of updates to the site. How come you haven’t put much up?

Sincerely,
A Reader

My Dearest Reader,

I write to you under the direst of circumstances. In this place where I have been trapped, the laws of time and space have no meaning. I am trapped in a state of limbo – a purgatory of sorts, if you will. There is little to sustain me in this place and I feel my mind slipping away, succumbing to the strange sound of bad 80’s music whispering so softly in the back of my mind. It is as if I am waiting in an eternal line-up of poor wretched souls, also trapped in the same damned fate:

I have been stuck in a check-out line at the grocery store since Thursday night.

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