8. Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz: 1/5

This is another easy place to start, because Super Monkey Ball is terrible. For your own sanity and wallet, do not even rent this game.

Super Monkey Ball has two game modes. The first is classic Monkey Ball, where you roll your crazy little monkey down a Marble Madness-esque course encased in a balloon. The only challenge is in trying to master the frustrating controls. Level design is boring, frustrating, or both.

They didn’t even make the Wii remote enjoyable to use in such an obvious avenue for motion sensitivity. The controls were fairly responsive, to the point of oversensitivity, but were not customizable. You have to hold the remote pointing toward the television, as opposed to sideways like an NES controller, which would make much more sense to me. It became uncomfortable after only two levels. On top of the discomfort, your wrist is just not designed to make quick movements in the manner they intend, which could even lead to RSI.

So, let’s ignore the first game mode. The second is even worse. Sad, really. It’s a collection of 50 minigames a la Wii Sports or Wii Play, though shorter, not replayable, and less fun in general. In fact, most of the games don’t even behave as the (briefly shown, opaque) instructions claim. Several don’t work at all. I can only remember two or three of the 50 minigames. My only guess is that the “monkey ball” portion was in development when an executive saw the success of minigame-style Wii titles and insisted on their inclusion. The result is truly painful.

9. Super Smash Bros. Brawl: 4.5/5

Great little fighter. I don’t think Brawl is as expansive as most other reviews say, but there is a lot of content. The main fighting mode is great. There are at least 40 characters and 50 levels, and with the level editor you can make interesting new ones. If you’re new to Super Smash Bros., you might be surprised to find that fights aren’t just melee combat. Levels come alive and present various obstacles throughout the fight. They’re also much larger than in most fighting games and present multiple areas and tiers for variety. Many aspects of the rules of combat can be adjusted to your liking. Some are serious, some for fun, like wearing a flower on your head or breathing fiery curry breath.

On top of standard combat, one of my favorite challenges is the Event mode. There are different events for single player and multiplayer, and there’s a good amount of variety in the goals. One mode involves killing 50 enemies in one loop around the course. Another involves beating all of the original Smash Bros. characters in one round. Another involves beating colored koopa troopas in a certain order. They’re challenging and they offer difficulty levels and trophies to keep you coming back.

There is a single player mode, called Subspace Emissary, but it feels… odd. It’s reminiscent of an old-school platformer with new graphics. Honestly, this is my only complaint about the game, and it’s why I can’t give a perfect 5/5 score. There just isn’t enough unique about this mode to keep my interest. It has its moments – I particularly like the Donkey Kong levels – but there are just as many annoying moments. You can’t pick your characters for a large portion of the mode, and you often get stuck with Pit. Since Pit is a new addition to Brawl, I can understand the reason for this, but he’s also not as polished as the returning characters and tends to annoy.

There are a few other mini-modes, like a coin-shooting game and sticker collection, but they’re not really worth discussing. Feel free to ignore them and enjoy the Brawl and Event modes, which really are classic. Recommended for almost anyone, though I’d strongly advise you play with a friend or three.

10. Pinball Hall of Fame: The Williams Collection: 4/5

I love this game. I am a pinball freak, and The Williams Collection has amazing physics and camera control, two key elements to replicating the pinball experience. The only reason I can’t give it a 5 is the fact that you must be a pinball fan to appreciate it, and that if you’re not, the content might seem a bit light. You do have to practice quite a bit to get all of the content out of this title.

There are 10 tables ranging from 1970 to the mid-90′s. They’re all well-selected and offer a lot of challenges to master. Once you complete the standard set of 6 challenges on a table, you open up the “Wizard Challenges” that are significantly harder. These often involve hitting a perfect streak of targets to get the ultimate jackpot of the table. Not to be taken lightly. I’ve only managed to complete all of the wizard challenges on one table, Space Shuttle, but I’m definitely working toward the rest. Completing challenges earns you credits that you can use to play other tables or unlock tables for free play. Highly recommended if you’re a pinball fan, and recommended for anyone to see if you secretly have the bug.

11. Trauma Center: Second Opinion: 4/5

I hope you don’t have an aversion to blood and guts, or you’ll miss out on a fun, original game. You play a surgeon moving up in the world of Creepy Anime City (paraphrased) where everyone acts like a saint except you. You feel the need to leave patients hurting in the OR without being fully treated, or to be rude to your helpful nurse, or to ignore the advice of your elders. Ahh, Japan.

Anyway. The gameplay of Trauma Center is strong. It’s a lot of fun to figure out the different medical challenges, and the controls on the Wii are fantastic. The analog stick on the nunchuck picks your instrument, and the remote serves as your operating hand inside the patient. There’s a puzzle element to figuring out which tools should be used when. If you screw up, you have a bit of a chance to recover through the use of stimulants and supernatural powers (again, it’s Japan), but the difficulty ramps up until you really need to know your tools intimately.

My only nitpick, aside from the bizarre story, is the stage where you’re forced to defuse a bomb. It’s out of place and far more difficult than the stages leading up to it. Recommended unless you have a serious aversion to blood.

12. Wii Play: 3/5

Wii Play is a hit-or-miss minigame collection that you can get for $10 if you buy a remote. ($50 instead of $40, basically.) Since it’s hit-and-miss, I’ll devote the most times to the good bits.

• Good minigames:
  • Shooting Range, i.e. Duck Hunt. I wish they had just called it Duck Hunt and made everyone happy. Classic shooting game, but if you want more, get Link’s Crossbow Training.
  • Laser Hockey. A nice air hockey clone with the addition of paddles you can rotate.
  • Billiards. Simple but fun, if you like shooting pool. You can even impart english. Minor control issues, but not enough to hamper play.
  • Tanks! The best of the bunch. Reminiscent of Combat on the Atari, with the addition of mines and better cannons. Surprisingly addictive.
• Not-so-good minigames:
  • Find Mii. Ugh. I suppose this is the best version of a “find the matching pictures” game I’ve played, but still boring.
  • Table Tennis. Not terrible, but there’s nothing to the game except moving your paddle left and right to hit the ball. No real use of the motion controls in the remote.
  • Pose Mii. Ugh. Painful to play. You have to line up goofy-looking bodies, attached to your Mii’s head, into patterns on the screen. Not much more to be said, aside from Ugh.
  • Fishing. Could have been better. The graphics are cheesy and the fish look like construction paper. The controls aren’t as responsive as they could be.
  • Charge! A silly game where you ride a cow around a track and try to jump obstacles. Fun to watch, but gets old fast.

Recommended only because it’s $10 if you’re getting a remote anyway.

13. Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles: 4/5

If you like rail shooters, this is a great way to bring the genre into your home. Resident Evil is the perfect setting for a shooter like this, and the Wii has the natural choice for control mechanisms. You play through part of the story from the first few Resident Evil games, blasting your way through zombies with the Wii remote. You shake the remote to reload, and you can evade some enemy attacks by performing the right motion when the warning pops up. The controls are good and the weaponry feels just right. You can always go back to levels to improve your rating, and single-player side stories will open up as you progress through the main chapters. Recommended if you’re a fan of shooters or of Resident Evil in general.

14. Wii Built-ins – Everybody Votes, Check Mii Out, Forecast, and News channels: 3/5

These are all free channels that either come with the Wii or are downloadable from the Wii Shop channel. News and Forecast (weather) are actually well-made, and have impressed some of my visitors, but they’d be a bit better if they opened quicker. You only get a brief summary when you select the channel, at which point you have to wait for the full program to load to get the 5-day forecast or world news. Handy to have in the living room if your computer is elsewhere.

Everybody Votes is a simple channel where you can vote on random questions of the day; sort of a democracy of useless trivia. Check Mii Out is a bit more interesting. You can submit the Miis you’ve created to various contests. For example, there have been contests to create Mario, Cleopatra, and opera singer lookalikes. Hey, it’s free, what were you expecting? You could probably skip these and lead a full life.

Next in line: Metroid Prime 3: Corruption and The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. These are two of my favorite franchises and I saved them until after I completed Super Mario Galaxy. Once I’ve played through, I’ll let you know my opinion and whether they live up to the legacy.

How about fourteen Wii game reviews?!

1. Super Mario Galaxy: 5/5

This is an easy place to start because the game is delightful. It’s a true spiritual successor to Super Mario 64 and is every bit as fun to play.

The addictive elements are there – quick gameplay, content that’s always fresh, beautiful graphics, and intuitive controls. You can play for 10 minutes and feel a sense of accomplishment by getting a star, or you can play for hours and complete whole worlds.

The controls are intuitive, even in a vast 3d setting, and the levels are forgiving if you misstep. Motion controls are used just enough not to be cumbersome. You point at the screen with the remote to shoot projectiles, and shake the remote to spin Mario like a top, which is now one of the main gameplay mechanics.

The game design is classic Miyamoto. You never repeat the same puzzle twice. Each level feels like a new adventure. Visually, you can see the trend towards a younger audience that started way back with the Yoshi games on SNES , but it’s almost endearing. Plus, if you really don’t like the children’s stories, they’re entirely optional. You still get a great game. Highly recommended if you’ve ever liked a Mario title.

2. Warioware: Smooth Moves: 4/5

Reviews of Warioware have been polarized. Metacritic shows generally favorable reviews, but scores range from 56 to 100 and user reviews average 6.5. I assume this is because of the nature of the game – a sort of extreme version of the minigame trend we see with many Wii games.

Personally, I like minigames, whether standalone or baked into full games. They give you an opportunity to try different things at a rapid pace. Warioware takes this to the extreme with just about the shortest games imaginable – 3 to 5 seconds on average. It gives you just enough time to get a sense of what’s going on, then you immediately have to solve the puzzle by moving the remote in whatever seems like the correct way. There are so many microgames that they built a full game on 3-5 second experiences. Sure, it won’t last you as long as Super Mario Galaxy, but it’s the type of game you can return to many times because you definitely won’t remember all of the challenges.

The games are based on a set of controller styles, such as “The Elephant,” which involves you holding the remote straight out from your nose like a trunk, or “The Waiter,” where you balance the remote flat on the palm of your hand. You have to change styles very quickly between microgames , particularly near the end of the game where you’re only given a second or two to change posture. This keeps the energy high and keeps the strange looks coming.

The game was challenging enough to stay interesting for the 3-4 hours it took to beat. (This does not include any time going back and replaying the games.) For the most part, the controls worked as expected, though there were one or two games (out of around 100) that I couldn’t figure out. Recommended if you like minigames and have a sense of humor.

3. Rockstar Games presents Table Tennis: 2/5

I’ve been a table tennis fan my entire life. Whether you’re a fan or not, this game disappoints. For the newcomer, it’s overly complex and doesn’t offer enough introductory content to get you interested. For the veteran, the controls seem awkward and arbitrary, which makes the game frustrating and, ultimately, boring.

There is a short series of tutorials that teaches you the basics of play. However, the controls and the ball mechanics seem like they were designed by different people. The ball mechanics, by which I mean the way the game simulates ball motion, are complex and fairly accurate. The controls, on the other hand, feel mushy and inaccurate. I just couldn’t get the game to perform the moves I wanted. When I contort my arm to make the ball hit the back left corner of the table, while holding several buttons to impart the proper spin, it would just drop flat on the wrong side of the table. Meanwhile, your avatar is blocking your view of the action.

Frustrating. Not recommended unless you really, really like table tennis and are willing to put up with the warts. The tennis game in Wii Sports is more fun and offers better modes of play. Speaking of which…

4. Wii Sports: 4/5

Wii Sports is the pack-in title for the Wii, so anyone with a Wii should have played it and formed their own opinion. My opinion, being a fan of all the sports in the game, is that it’s a perfect complement to the spirit of the system, and that the games are more addictive than many you’d have to shell out real money for.

My personal favorite is Tennis. The controls are amazingly responsive for being so simple. The practice mode is replayable for hours. Each sport has three practice modes of increasing difficulty, and once you get good at Tennis, you can play the third practice mode (hitting the ball to specific targets) for quite a while without stopping.

Golf, Boxing, Baseball, and Bowling are equally fun. Each has simple controls, fun graphics (play with your own Mii!), and lots of replayability. The only reason I’m not giving the game a 5 is that you might be less interested in the game if you’re not interested in these sports. Still, it’s a great title, and one you can play with almost anyone. My game-confused family has proven that.

5. The Godfather: Blackhand Edition: 3/5

The Godfather is a GTA-style open-world game where you complete missions for The Don’s organization and try to move up in the world. The story is recognizable if you’re a fan of the movies. It’s not a rip-off, but rather a side plot that takes slight liberties with the movie canon to fit a new character into the scene.

First, the good: the controls are very good. You use the remote and nunchuck to simulate your mobster’s hands, with which you can punch, grapple, choke, and throw your enemies in old New York. These actions are handled well and feel intuitive and realistic. You probably don’t need a manual to tell you how to choke someone or throw them into the wall. The remote also serves as a pointing device for your many guns, if you choose to enter free-aiming mode. Over time, you build up the repertoire of moves you can perform.

And then, of course, the bad: the storyline does get a bit dull when your mentor, Luca Brasi, dies within the first few minutes of the game. You’re left on your own to figure out the city, and the game does not guide you. Normally in a open-world game this would be fine, but you at least expect side missions to keep the action moving. There are very few. Even when you’re told about upcoming story events you’re left without a clue of how to find them, and when you do, they don’t always work. It can be quite frustrating. After the second occurrence of a missing plot event, I was ready to give up on the game.

It’s worth a rental, at least to check out the motion-sensitive street fighting controls.

6. Link’s Crossbow Training: 4/5

Link’s Crossbow Training is offered as a pack-in game with the Wii Zapper, a piece of plastic that combines your Wii remote and nunchuck into a stylized gun. I would highly recommend skipping the Wii Zapper altogether and picking up a used copy of Link’s Crossbow Training from your local game store for $5 like I did. It doesn’t need the Wii Zapper and actually plays very well with the remote and nunchuck alone.

It’s a simple target shooting game with bits of adventure shooting and boss fighting thrown in. You can earn medals on each of 9 levels by shooting the various Zelda-themed monsters and targets. In some stages, longer hit streaks will multiply your score, so there’s an element of strategy in choosing whether to try hitting every target or to take your time and go for the big points in the center of the targets. In other stages, you need to fire as fast as possible to take down enemies advancing on you from all directions. In others, you use the analog stick to move around a stage and track down enemies hiding on roofs and in buildings.

For $5, you can’t go wrong. Recommended if you like target shooting in any capacity.

7. Madden NFL ’08: 3/5

I have a long history with Madden games, starting with Madden ’92 on Sega Genesis, so I was interested to see how they’d handle the jump to the Wii . In some respects it was successful, and I enjoyed playing through some of the new training modes. Overall, though, it was a disappointment to see the many downsides overpower the fun of shaking your Wiimote around to tackle someone.

I’m actually not a big football fan, so football games have to deliver on gameplay to hook me. One of Madden ’08′s new features, a single-player career mode, seems to focus more on a corny life simulator than fun content. You spend more time in a tiny apartment with all of four selectable targets than you do on the field. You actually have to tell the game to advance day by day to get to the next event, whether it’s training, an interview, a draft, or a game. The only options of value are games and the training mini-games, which you can play separately. I’d rather not virtually tear days off a calendar, but thanks anyway, EA.

If you ignore the useless new features, the gameplay is fairly entertaining. You can shake the remote and nunchuck in certain ways to enhance tackles, catch passes, or run past defenders. Doing a Power Tackle in two-player mode by punching your fists forward and shouting is endlessly entertaining. The controls aren’t as intuitive as I’d like, though, and it took some time to adjust to the different play style.

Overall, I think the Wii controls and training modes bring some life back to Madden, and the controls simplify things a bit for new users. You might have to ignore a lot of junk on the way, though. Recommended for die-hard Madden or NFL fans, or as a rental for someone who wants to try out the controls in a sports game with friends.

Stay tuned for Part Two, another seven games, coming soon.

Update: Here’s part two.

Not too many of you know me, so allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jay. I am a college student finishing my degree in video production. Because of my interests in A) Intellectual Discussion and B) my passion for film as an art form, I will try to post regular film critiques and reviews. I expect and encourage all possible responses as long as they remain civil. I guess this will be my attempt to balance and offset the vile treachery that will clog up this website from yours truly sooner than later.

Now, on to my first agenda… I need your votes!

This past weekend myself and a handful of colleagues participated in Apple’s Insomnia Film Contest. For those not familiar with the contest, each team has 24 (and only 24) hours to shoot, edit, score, compress, and upload their 3 minute film to the Apple website before the deadline. In order to ensure the films are shot in one day, certain requirements need to be met in the film that are posted at the beginning of the contest.

Our film was completed with 2 hours to spare. It was an intense, grueling day, but was ultimately rewarding as we watched our final edit. Please take the time to create an Apple login account (if you don’t already have one) and vote for our film entitled “Selective Focus”. I know I would appreciate it immensely. Just go to the Apple Insomnia page and search for our film by title.

The video is on Youtube to help build hype, but it isn’t working as well as our street team!

So stay tuned for some illogical rants and discussions about film.

Thanks and take care.

WB

And the games keep on coming. Every gaming company out there seems to be working on their own online game, where millions of people across the globe can come together in a glorious bloodbath, shooting and stabbing or nuking each other for the sake of phat lewts and glory! Or they’re an elf traipsing through the treetops saying things like “Come thou brother, let us dine together on the fruit of the land and not our noble friends of ye olde forest!”

Given my current list of priorities and commitments, I really only have time for one online game. To pay for a second or third online game would be a waste – to me, anyway. (That $15 per month is latte money – and no one, not even a good game, is going to come between me and an egg nog latte.) However, I do like to sign up for the occasional beta if the title interests me. On the other hand, I have a friend who is kind of a gaming slut – he gives it away to all of the games. And as such, signs up for everything.

The Lord of the Rings Online Beta has opened its doors to a new batch of wannabe testers (myself included) for their stress test. When I received my notification, I emailed my game slut friend to ask him if he was also invited to the stress test. The email I received in response sounded offended, yet befuddled, as he relayed to me that he was not invited. Instead, he received the invitation for the following beta:

Acclaim is creating a first-of-its-kind massively multiplayer club dancing game. Our brand new online game called DANCE! has been kept secret while under development, and now will be ready for Closed Beta testing in the coming weeks. DANCE! is a really fun and addictive FREE online game that brings the best chart-topping music and dancing gameplay right to your PC!

• Synchronize with the beat to perform the hottest club-style dance moves.
• Play with your friends and compete in dance battles to see who can keep up.
• Customize your character just the way you want to look, with cool clothing, accessories and special abilities.
• Meet other male and female players online, become a couple, or even get married!

DANCE! will also include an unbelievable roster of hit music from some of the top music artists on the planet (The amazing playlist is soon to be announced!). As it’s a game for you, we’re putting the final power of choice into your hands–by signing up, you’ll be invited to vote for the best songs. The game is directed by video game industry veteran David Perry. “I’ve been a huge fan of dancing games for years. For this game we’ve been secretly working with incredible developers to be the first to bring a really cool Massively Multiplayer Online Dance style game to the market,” says Perry.

Wut? The pale-skinned people who tan only by the light of their computer monitors have drunk deeply from the crazy-well, and come up with online Dancing. Why? Because the Dance Dance Revolution market was apparently just begging to be tapped into. Curious, stunned, and filled with a sense of loathing, I visited the Dance! Online site. The FAQ reads (italics mine):

Are you ready to DANCE!?

No.

DANCE! Is an amazing new FREE ‘club style‘ dancing game that lets you hang out with your friends, and challenge them on the dance floor.

With the most incredible selection of hit songs from some of the best recording artists in the world, DANCE! always backs up your moves with awesome music tracks.

Her music is so, like, good, it makes her cry when she hears it. You will too.

Because your ears will be bleeding.

Male or female, you’ll get the chance to create your own dance teams and even compete in nationwide dance battles and competitions!

Because when someone dances at you, and you dance back, then IT’S ON!

DANCE! gives you the option to customize your character, to showcase your individual personality. Choose from a huge selection of hair styles, accessories and hip clothes to make your character one of a kind!

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Once you’re looking good and dancing well, you can expect to find your perfect mate, fall in love, become a couple, enter couples competitions together, and even GET MARRIED!!

Cyber!

Meet new friends, make connections, have fun, and show the clubs that you’ve become a dancing superstar! What are you waiting for!?

I’m waiting because all common sense and dignity dictate that I refrain. In all honesty, I can see how an online version of Dance Dance Revolution would appeal to many people, but from what I can see it has spiraled out of control. Run for your lives, people. Run from this ridiculousness, I say!

]]> http://halffull.org/2006/12/01/game-developers-are-out-of-control/feed/ 0 http://halffull.org/2006/07/13/thegamerslife-volume1/ http://halffull.org/2006/07/13/thegamerslife-volume1/#comments Thu, 13 Jul 2006 17:30:06 +0000 Blue Midget http://halffull.org/2006/07/13/thegamerslife-volume1/ According to the Oxford Dictionary, a community is “a group of people living together in one place; a group of people with a common religion, race, or profession; the holding of certain attitudes and interests in common.” Thusly, those who play computer games have also become a community known either as “the gaming community” or simply “gamers”. Within the community, many smaller groups make up the collective. For example, we have those who just like to play solitaire and minesweeper, and consider themselves people who play computer games, but are really not considered gamers by the rest of the community. And rightfully so – there’s a big difference between a gripping 15-minute game of spider solitaire (addicting as it is) to a bajillion-hour game of Everquest. There are the strategy game-players, the roleplaying (RPG) gamers, as well as the first-person shooters – and many, many more. In this last group, there is a bit of elitism and snobbery to be found. Many of the first-person shooters feel themselves above and beyond people who play other games, and they snub their noses at those who play the RPG’s. Let’s not beat around the bush – those who play only first-person shooters (for example, Doom) think of themselves higher than the rest of the gaming community. As an example I give you: Every other time I walk into an EB Games.

So I walk in and I see the young customer service person (typically a young male) standing around, picking his butt and staring into space, obviously working hard to earn minimum wage. He greets me; I respond in kind and proceed to peruse the selection. When I notice a particular RPG title that I haven’t tried and am curious about, I ask the person, “Excuse me, do you know anything about ?” Young customer service person will actually sneer at me and say in his haughty, elitist voice, “I don’t play RPG’s.” Now, I don’t just play RPG’s. I’m an equal-opportunity gamer, so I play just about anything that interests me at the time. But because I have have associated myself with the RPG genre, I have entitled myself to being ignored for the rest of the time that I am in the store. Of course, it is widely believed by gamers and non-gamers alike that first-person shooter elites are hardcore gamers, because they only play games with guns. Big ones. And they kill people for fun. There are “cooperative” matches where teams are formed and pitted against each other and then it’s dog eats dog to determine the winner. It’s easy to see why this misnomer has flourished. However, I bring to you the case of the MMORPG player.

For those of you who aren’t in the know, MMORPG stands for “Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game”. In layman’s terms, this means a whackload of people – enough to populate a small country – all playing in the same game together at the same time. Okay, let’s make this as simple as possible for those who have no idea what I’m talking about. Everyone knows the game Mario Brothers, which was a spin-off of Donkey Kong. Pretend you are Mario. You’re a plumber, and you’re running around this little world, jumping around the obstacles in order to obtain a few different objectives, such as getting more money, not getting killed, etc. You know these objectives because there is a little storyline that ties in to the game. Now imagine that there are about 3,000 Marios playing this game together at the same time, and all of them have similar objectives and storyline for themselves. So, they’re running ahead of you, taking the coins that should be yours, etc. They can all talk as easily as if they were in a chat room, and they do. All at once. All the time. And they can’t spell very well. And they’re still taking all the money before you can get it, and then turn around and say to you, “YOU BUY GOLDS, KEKE??” As the game evolves over time, the game developers have to keep customers happy, so they keep adding more content, which usually means creating objectives that are much more difficult to obtain. So, clusters of Marios must band together to meet their objectives and thus, win the game. Even if you don’t like these other 50 people who also play Mario, it doesn’t matter – you must band together if you want to meet these objectives.

Herein lies our dilemma.

In a first-person shooter, you always move around, never stopping, because to stand in one place for too long would mean your death. Both hands are involved when you play, never stopping. Therefore there is not a lot of chatting in a first-person shooter, unless you are on some sort of voicechat system. But certainly not much typing and socializing, unless your idea of socializing is wasting someone with your BFG. Not so in the MMORPG. People who play these games must put up with things far worse than those who play first-person shooters, and it’s about time we got our due. Allow me to explain why.

For those of you who are gamers and have had to endure my painful explanation to those who do not game, I appreciate your patience. We will now charge on toward things you can relate to.

Reason #1 MMORPG players are hardcore: AFK’s

Now I realize that this would have been on most people’s list as to why MMORPG’s would not be hardcore but I assure you that it is. AFK’s (“away from keyboard”) is definitive proof that people who play MMORPG’s put up with the most ridiculous shiat from other people. And we’re forced to because we have objectives to meet and we need these dumbasses to complete our objectives. Because these games are generally more social, and people spend hours on end playing them, the AFK has developed for people to step away from the computer to use the bathroom, grab a glass of water, or whatever. In the beginning, AFK’s were generally quick because otherwise an entire group of people has to stand around doing nothing, waiting for your ass to get back. And most people are generally considerate, because they know this. However, there are always one or two people who have no consideration of other people’s time.

I play World of Warcraft. I’ve been playing it since beta, and I have been in the same guild for the past two years. In the beginning, it was a very small group of friends. We liked it that way. As a small group we used crazy strategies to accomplish things that only larger groups did. Eventually we became popular for some reason, and everyone started inviting their friends, who invited their friends, and so on and so forth. Back then we weren’t a guild that liked to exclude people, so we allowed everyone. And now, we have a guy in our guild who loves to play games. He is an addict who plays every single day and night. His wife doesn’t really care for games, nor does she “get them”, so the only way he is allowed to play is if he agrees to do one thing: At 9:00pm every night, he must go AFK for 20 – 25 minutes…

…to brush his cat.

You think I’m kidding. Allegedly his cat has long hair and if they don’t brush it every night the cat gags on hairballs. Of course we all have other ideas as to what is really going on during the 9:00 cat brushing – you can use your own imagination. This really isn’t so annoying except that he is addicted to group excursions in areas that have a maximum player amount of 5 people. So every night he insists on signing up for weeknight groups and then proceeds to go AFK at 9:00pm for 20 – 25 minutes in the middle of the excursion. He’s a nice guy, but he has absolutely ZERO respect for other people’s time.

I have another person who leveled up to 60 (maximum level for WoW) and began to raid with us. Now, my guild only has a big raid once a week. And really not that big – we aren’t uber. Half way through the raid, the person says to me, “My girlfriend says I need to come eat dinner now. I will be AFK for 45 minutes. Can I put you on autofollow?” WTF, 45 minutes? I actually thought I misread that and had to scroll up to read it a few times. First of all, no you can’t go AFK for 45 minutes. Secondly, you do not put me on autofollow for that long because I will do everything I can to drown you or burn you in a fire. Lastly, grow a pair. AFK’s are a necessary evil when you’re playing for a long time, but they are proof that MMORPG players are hardcore. And that we probably need to rise up and destroy the cat brushing AFK’ers.

Reason #2 MMORPG players are hardcore: Timesink

In the time that is spent leveling a character, exploring all content that the game has to offer, and getting some decent equipment, you could get a PhD. Most Everquest characters have well over 100 days played – that’s 2400 hours, or the amount of time a student should spend on 1200 credit hours worth of coursework.

Speaking of Everquest and timesink – anyone who has ever played an MMORPG has played EQ. Anything group-oriented that you do in EQ comes with an incredible timesink. If it’s been a long time since you’ve raided in EQ, or if you have no idea what an EQ raid means, allow me:

It’s 4:45pm; you leave work in 15 minutes and you have to get out of the office right away because you have a raid as soon as you get home. In fact, you’re raiding every single night as soon as you get home, so today is really no different than any other. However, you don’t want anyone claiming your zone so it’s important that your guild is FIF – first in force. 5:00 comes – you’re out the door and in your car. You race home, get through the door and turn on the computer. As the computer is booting up, you run into the kitchen, rip open a bag of Tostitos Pizza Rolls, throw them into the oven, run back to the computer to click on the EQ icon. Then you run to the bathroom before your bladder bursts. Running out of the bathroom, (I assume some haven’t even washed their hands – eew, you have Tostitos in the oven!) you manage to kick off your shoes and get online to head to wherever your guild has decided to go. As soon as you get there, three guild members need help because they’re lost even though you’ve been going to the same zone every night for a month, and two other people died and need a rez. By the time everyone is at the zone entrance, it’s two and a half hours later and your Tostitos are lumps of charcoal. You deftly type in /pizza and order your pizza online. 45 minutes later, your pizza arrives and your guild has only just started to move. You spend the next five hours in a raid, listening to the monks whine about not getting Kunark armor. Because you are confined to your desk and you have to eat pizza, there’s sauce and cheese all over your mouse and keyboard, and you are beginning to wonder why you and the pizza delivery guy have become such close friends over the past year. By the time the raid is finished, you have an hour to sleep before you have to get up and go to work. You look like hell, you didn’t get any loot from the raid, and that one enchanter is an annoying asshole who keeps telling everyone how to play their class. It sucked ass and you now hate 2/3 of the people in your guild with a burning passion, but you’re addicted like Courtney Love is to crack, so you’re going to be back the next night to do the exact same thing you did tonight.

That, my friends, is hardcore. Or a glutton for punishment – but I am beginning to think that they’re the same thing.

Reason #3 MMORPG players are hardcore: The Nerfbat

Ah yes. Every game’s disclaimer reads on the box: “Game experience may change during online play.” It’s the oft-told tale of the super-fun game that was released, the character you loved and dumped six months of your time into, and the developers who came and reduced the abilities of your character to resemble a hobbit on crack – and there is nothing you can do about it. If you’ve never picked up an MMORPG before, please be advised that it is the one realm where customer satisfaction is not guaranteed. Those affected by the Nerfbat do one of three things: #1 – Cancel the account and play another game. #2 – Play a different character until that one is beaten by the nerfbat, too. #3 – Continue to play the character even though it sucks and is no longer fun, and no one will invite you into their group. It sucks, but such is the way of life for the MMORPG gamer. It happens to everyone, in every game. You’ll be bitter and scarred for the rest of your life because of it. And for all you care, City of Heroes can go to hell because they’ll never get another penny for what they’ve done to your blaster.

Reason #4 MMORPG players are hardcore: Gender-bending is A-OK

Two naked female elves are cybering under a tree. Little do they know that the people behind the toons are 40-year old men who have never been laid.

The great thing about playing a female toon is that people you do not know will give you free stuff. The bad thing about playing a female toon is that everyone suspects you are a hot, barely legal chick in heat, even if you apologetically explain that you are a hairy, old man named Gunther. They will continue to try and get you to cyber until you put them on ignore or log in a different character. Because “I’m someone’s dad; leave me alone” somehow translates to “I’m a hot blonde who wants to bang you like a screen door on a windy day.” And to put up with that, you must be hardcore.

So you see, it isn’t easy being an MMORPG gamer. The conditions are rough and the competition is fierce. We deserve our due, just like the elitist first-person shooter gamers. We don’t mow other players down with guns, or shoot them in the heads all sneaky-like with sniper rifles, but we work hard. And that’s because we have a lot to prove, because it’s difficult to look like a badass when you’re wearing a dress while hurling an ice bolt at an elf named “Leegollaas”.

]]> http://halffull.org/2006/07/13/thegamerslife-volume1/feed/ 1 http://halffull.org/2006/02/06/i-eat-babies/ http://halffull.org/2006/02/06/i-eat-babies/#comments Mon, 06 Feb 2006 18:27:44 +0000 redshift http://halffull.org/?p=303 And I kill people all day long because I play video games

]]> http://halffull.org/2006/02/06/i-eat-babies/feed/ 3 http://halffull.org/2005/11/28/1000-blank-white-cards/ http://halffull.org/2005/11/28/1000-blank-white-cards/#comments Mon, 28 Nov 2005 21:03:44 +0000 redshift http://halffull.org/?p=286 I’d like to take this opportunity to present to you, dear reader, a delightful little game that has caused a huge lack of boredom in our area.

I give you 1000 Blank White Cards, courtesy of the Discordians. Here are the rules:

Make your own game.

The idea is that you start with a stack of blank, white cards (index cards work great) and draw up your own game cards. Aside from the basic (and loose) guideline of a title, picture, and effect, you can turn them into anything. There are some basic rules for turns, winning, etc. but the fun comes from making wacky cards.

For example, here are some of the cards we’ve created so far. I really wish you could see the pictures, but I stomped on the only scanner I ever loved…

• Suffrage for Ice Weasels: you trade places with the person to your right, switching all effects played so far. Causes no end of havoc.

• Rock Lobster: “Rock Lobster fucking crushes any two cards you pick.”

• Cliffhanger: “Drop this card on the play area with your eyes closed. Any cards it touches are removed from play.”

• Bad Japanese Translation: “Translate any card on the table (your choice) into Japanese on Babelfish, then back to English, and do whatever it says.”

• Seppuku: “Thanks to stupid Japanese concepts of honor, you get shamed for five (5) rounds. Hang your head and don’t make eye contact.” (this one sucked.)

• Elvish Porn: +e^12 Trojan points, -cos(sec(pi/2)) stamina

• Kevin Federline: “You can call me Daddy instead! Straight 2008!” “+500 Dumb. +10,000 Fat, Ugly Britney Spears’ Money. +20,000 Thinking You’re Black.”

• The Pope: “All religious cards worth double. All underage male players -500 points”

• Cheeburger: “Do not eat or drink for the rest of the game. Alternatively, eat a sizeable part of this card. +omg tasty points” (The best time to play this is right after someone makes hot chocolate.)

• Star Wars Prequels: “Padme, you’re beautifulist beauty ever to be beautified.” “Oh Anakin, you’re so suave.” “I’m going to force choke you later, ok?”

• Ru Paul: “Reverse the turn order – if the players are going in clockwise order, reverse to counter-clockwise & vise-versa. +500 work +100 catwalk”

• Ghandi’s Stomach: “Fuck.”

• Bastard Child: “You hand this card to another player and they lose their next turn. The player holds on to this card and gives it to another bastard later.”

…and, of course…

• Liberalism: “Points are mean and make others feel inadequate! Shame on Republicans!”

]]> http://halffull.org/2005/11/28/1000-blank-white-cards/feed/ 1 http://halffull.org/2005/11/15/big-fish-games/ http://halffull.org/2005/11/15/big-fish-games/#comments Tue, 15 Nov 2005 18:06:56 +0000 Blue Midget http://halffull.org/2005/11/15/big-fish-games/ If you’re looking for free downloadable games, head on over to Big Fish Games. They’ve got a great selection of games, and I was shocked when, a few minutes ago, I found out that an old co-worker of mine is now their CFO. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what he said; it was hard to tell since we were both on our cell phones. There are a couple of reviews about the site floating around the internet, and they all give Big Fish Games high praise. Download-free-games.com gives the site an A-.

“Big Fish Games was created back in 2002 by Paul Thelen, a former Real Networks executive who helped launched Real Arcade. Big Fish Games quickly became a major game download portal within 2 years of launch, an incredible feat…

…BigFishGames.com is a solid game download site but mostly focuses on the casual gamer. You won’t find a ton of high energy action games here but there are a few in the arcade section. Those who want to play free game demos but don’t want to give out their email address will be disappointed with the site. However, Big Fish does seem to respect everything in their privacy policy concerning email submissions. The daily updates are great and selection is way above average for the categories the site handles.”

Head on over and check it out; let me know what you think in the comments section. Of course, I always say that, even though I know you won’t put anything in the comments section. Chickens.

Yes, I will have more site updates for you today – the halffull team will be back this week with all kinds of hilarity and goodness. There’s also a new news post coming, and with any luck it will be up today.

]]> http://halffull.org/2005/11/15/big-fish-games/feed/ 1 http://halffull.org/2005/11/09/rooster-teeth-productions-red-vs-blue/ http://halffull.org/2005/11/09/rooster-teeth-productions-red-vs-blue/#comments Wed, 09 Nov 2005 19:41:44 +0000 Blue Midget http://halffull.org/2005/11/09/rooster-teeth-productions-red-vs-blue/ A couple of years ago, some guys got together and started making a movie inside of the Microsoft game Halo. At first no one cared. But after a while, it gained popularity until it became a huge hit. They have since branched out into other games (Sim City, F.E.A.R.) but are still going strong with their original hit, Red vs. Blue. They have a rolling archive for anyone who is not a sponsor, so if you have any interest, head on over and take a gander at Episodes 1 & 2. You will need to download them and there is a bit of cursing involved so it’s not safe for work. I would definitely suggest that you watch both episodes before you decide whether or not you like them – and they definitely get more funny every time.

Be aware that because this is a rolling archive, if you don’t download them by the end of the week, they will be gone and you’ll have to wait until they rotate through the entire series again.

]]> http://halffull.org/2005/11/09/rooster-teeth-productions-red-vs-blue/feed/ 3 http://halffull.org/2005/11/02/jeffk-is-back/ http://halffull.org/2005/11/02/jeffk-is-back/#comments Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:49:28 +0000 Blue Midget http://halffull.org/2005/11/02/jeffk-is-back/ Go read him NOWNOWNOW!

Something Awful’s JeffK

Edit: I should have added the disclaimer that most of you will not “get” JeffK at all. Read at your own risk.

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