• Adrenalyn Stack – Berry Energizing: 7/10

  First you get a strong blast of berry flavor, but unfortunately it doesn’t last very long. It fades to a general fruity flavor, similar to the Subzero Red, but has a slightly chalkier texture. I didn’t get an aftertaste, though, so it’s not bad overall.

• Ripped Force – Fruit Punch: 8/10

  This is a good option if you want a strong energy boost. The Ripped Force drinks have 200mg of caffeine along with some blend called Adrenergic Catalyst Technology. I have no idea what that means, but it gives me a bit of the jitters. The Fruit Punch variety is an interesting beast – it has a nice (though very sweet) fruity flavor at first, and then completely disappears, as if you didn’t have a drink at all. Then, there’s a bit of chalky texture, but no real aftertaste. I haven’t had that experience before, but it’s not too bad – a little better than the Berry Energizing flavor.

• Speed Stack – Lemon Lime: 9/10

  I love the flavor on this one. That means something because I normally hate lemon-lime flavors. In this one, the citrus is toned down and it’s fairly sweet – not overly bright. The energy level is fairly strong, as in other Speed Stacks, but not as strong as a Ripped Force. There’s a bit of aftertaste, but not of chemicals, just a slightly sweet flavor.

• Diet Turbo Tea – Peach Tea: n/a

  I don’t like peaches, so I’m not going to give this one a number rating to be fair to people who like peaches. (It would have been a 7.) In essence, this tastes like the lemon Turbo Tea with a bit of peach flavor. Pretty simple. Neither the lemon nor the peach flavors are too strong. You get a faint teabag-like taste, some lemon or peach, and a strong sweetness. If you like sweet tea, you’ll like these.

• Speed Stack – Fruit Punch: 9/10

  This is better than the Ripped Force Fruit Punch – the type of additive really makes a difference in taste. The flavor is more consistent and there’s no chalky aftertaste at all. It has a very slight aftertaste, but just of fruit – similar to the Lemon Lime speed stack but a little deeper. It’s a good balance of fruit and sweet, even though it has no sugar.

• Adrenalyn Stack – Fruit Punch: 6/10

  Tastes a little chalky and bitter compared to the Fruit Punch flavor of Speed Stack or even Ripped Force. The energy boost is really strong, but I’d rather have one of the better-tasting alternatives.

• Diet Turbo Tea – Green Tea: 7/10

  Fairly smooth, like the other Turbo Tea flavors, but the green tea flavor isn’t as good as the lemon. It’s still sweet, but drier and slightly bitter. I wouldn’t have guessed it was green tea if it weren’t on the label, to be honest. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it just doesn’t stand out like the lemon flavor.

• Speed Stack – Grape: 8/10

  This is better than the Ripped Force grape because it’s not as jittery and a bit smoother. Other than that, it’s similar – very sweet, slightly artificial, but if you like grape drinks you’ll probably like this. I happen to like grape, but the flavor could be a bit more mellow.

• Diet Turbo Tea – Raspberry Tea: 9/10

  Another great drink in the Turbo Tea line. It’s very different than the other ABB drinks, though – more like a flavored water than an energy drink. The raspberry flavor itself is great. It’s not even as sweet as the other Turbo Teas. Slightly sweet aftertaste, no chemical flavor, and no chalkiness. One of the better drinks in the line.

• Adrenalyn Stack – Berry Blast: 5/10

  I expected this to be similar to the Berry Energizing flavor of Adrenalyn Stack, but unfortunately it’s a couple steps down. It’s a little chalkier, a little more bitter, and tastes less like berries – almost metallic. I’ve certainly had worse – see my previous energy drinks reviews – but this is the worst from ABB.

Suggestions for ABB: More complex flavors. Packaging that works outside of the gym. They could justify the price if it came across as a high-end energy drink rather than only being for bodybuilders. I love Hugs, but not everyone does.

Free Bonus Review!

• essn Energy: Pomegranate Limeflower – 8/10

  This is another tea-based energy drink, like some of the others I’ve reviewed, but they managed to subdue the green tea / yerba mate flavor with a slightly fruity back-end of pomegranate. The limeflower, which I had never heard of, isn’t very noticeable. It just classes up the tea a bit. The energy boost from this is not strong at all, even though it has 240mg of guarana and a bunch of B vitamins. It only uses evaporated cane juice for sweetness so it falls handily into the “natural” category. This one’s worth a shot, particularly if you like tea, and I can recommend it over most other green tea-based energy products.

Note that free products are great, but they don’t affect the ratings. ABB did well overall, and there are a couple great drinks, but there were still a couple let-downs. I’ll have some suggestions for ABB at the end.

I tried five types of drinks:

• Speed Stack – No sugar, 250mg caffeine total.

  A couple ingredients you can pronounce, a few you can’t. This gives a moderately strong energy boost, and doesn’t seem to affect the flavor much.

• Ripped Force – 350mg of their Adrenergic Catalyst mix, i.e. a bunch of things you can’t pronounce.

  This gives a strong energy boost, but affects the flavor slightly more than Speed Stack. Some of these still got very good scores.

• Diet Turbo Tea – No sugar, 90mg of caffeine and guarana, plus some ginseng.

  A nice light energy boost. Doesn’t affect the flavor.

• Adrenalyn Stack – 200mg caffeine and a whole pile of things you can’t pronounce.

  The most additives, the strongest energy boost. Unfortunately, it really affects the texture and flavor of the drinks. These got some of the lower scores.

• Speed Shot Intensity – No sugar, but a lot of things you can’t pronounce.

  One of the more potent energy mixes. It doesn’t affect flavor consistently – sometimes it’s not noticeable, sometimes it is. See the individual reviews below.

There are a number of flavors for each of the above types. Originally, I was going to review the types and the flavors separately, but they affect each other more than I expected.

So, you get 15 reviews for the price of one!

• Speed Shot Intensity – Subzero Red: 8/10

  This reminds me of a red Hug (the little barrel-drinks) but not as overpoweringly sweet. It’s sugar-free, so I’m not sure how they managed this without getting a chemical aftertaste. The energy boost was noticeable but it didn’t keep me up all night – just what I wanted. I can’t pretend I know what all of the energy supplements in this drink are, but they work well.

• Diet Turbo Tea – Lemon: 9/10

  Tasty, natural tea with added guarana for energy. There’s only 90mg of caffeine total, so if your only goal is energy, try one of the stronger alternatives. The lemon flavor is balanced correctly for my taste. There’s a bit of tang from something – either the ginseng or the sucralose, I think. No chemical aftertaste. The tea flavor could be a bit more pronounced, but overall it’s quite tasty.

• Speed Stack – Lemon Tea: 8/10

  The flavor base is the same as the Turbo Tea, but this one has a much more potent energy mix. It masks the tea flavor slightly, but it still doesn’t taste like chemicals. There’s a slight sticky, sweet aftertaste. I’m impressed that they’re able to make these drinks powerful without the strong overtones of common energy drinks.

• Ripped Force – Grape: 7/10

  Similar to the Subzero Red, this flavor reminds me of a Hug. If you remember Hugs from when you were a kid, you can imagine these drinks. Sweet, slightly artificial fruity flavor. Not quite as sweet as a true Hug, which is a good thing. The energy boost is similar to the Speed Shot and Speed Stack, but a bit stronger. I’m a little jittery.

• Speed Shot Intensity – Purple Frost: 6/10

  Tastes like the Grape flavor of Ripped Force, but you can taste the added chemicals in this concentrated form. It’s not too strong, but since it’s noticeable, it detracts a little bit. The energy boost is on the strong side.

Stay tuned for part 5, the conclusion of the ABB reviews!

Sobe Power: 8/10

This is a nice break from the artificial tastes of typical energy drinks. It’s a standard fruit punch flavor but there’s no aftertaste or any hint of additives. It’s a little on the sweet side, but at least that comes from natural sugar. Don’t rely on it for an energy spike because the additives are relatively minor and you’ll have a slight sugar crash. High marks for taste and natural ingredients.

Steaz Orange: 8/10

Steaz is going for an earthier approach to orange flavor with the addition of yerba mate. If you’ve had yerba mate you’ll know what I mean. I don’t like pure yerba mate (or some other green teas) because it tastes a little like grass. However, adding a touch of it to orange juice is a nice combination and balances the sweetness. There’s also a hint of acai, and it’s lightly carbonated. If you want something a little sweeter, Kaboom Orange doesn’t have any tea and tastes more like pure juice. Steaz is good for a change if you like yerba mate.

Emergen-C Health and Energy Water – Dragon Fruit: 7/10

Emergen-C is the strange cousin of Vitamin Water that’s quiet at the family reunions. It’s definitely more of an enhanced water than an energy drink, so if you need a powerful kick, look elsewhere. There are a few things you have to look past – it has a disconcerting pale yellow color, it smells a bit off, and it’s a little thicker than water should be. If you ignore that, it has a nice, subtle fruit flavor and 16 times the vitamins. Seriously – up to 1660% of the daily value of some vitamins like Vitamin C, hence its name. It also has “Okinawa Deep Sea Minerals,” whatever that means. (They might be the culprit for the thickness.) A bottle was pretty cheap and it’s one of the healthiest options I’ve reviewed, while still offering a little sweetness. Worth a shot.

Sobe Energy: 8/10

There’s a hint of creaminess to go with the citrus flavor. The citrus is mostly orange but you can taste some others that add a bit of depth. (The label says lemon, cherry, and elderberry.) It’s definitely on the sweet side since they added sugar to the fruit juice – 66g per bottle total. That’s usually not necessary if you’re using good juice. Otherwise, it’s good – mostly natural, smooth, and the creaminess is a great addition.

Red Bull Sugar Free: 4/10

Tastes like Rockstar Sugar Free, but a little less sweet, so it’s not like being hit in the face with a five pound bag of Smarties. That’s a good thing, and it gains a whole point for it, but this is still very run of the mill. I suppose I should have expected that with Red Bull being one of the original energy drinks. If you want to imagine the taste, just water down some sour Smarties. On the plus side, they carve a bull out of the can’s tab. (Not worth it.)

Rockstar Juiced – Guava: 6/10

So close and yet so far away. This could be really good if it weren’t so carbonated and sticky. The flavor is nice – the guava itself is soothing – but the artificial texture throws it off. It also tastes worse and worse as it warms up. I have to give this drink some credit – it’s much better than the other Juiced flavor, mango/orange/passionfruit. I’ll save that for another review, to be written when I’m depressed.

Vitamin Water 10 – Energy: 8/10

Very light and refreshing citrus flavor. The difference between Vitamin Water and Vitamin Water 10 is that the newer 10 version uses stevia as a sweetener instead of sugar. This gives it less calories, a sweeter taste, and (unfortunately) a little bit of sweet aftertaste. High marks for taste and health benefit, but I have to take away a couple points because of the slight aftertaste and because I wish the citrus were a bit more pronounced.

• Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink: 2/10

  Tastes like honey. Honey that just fell out of a bee’s ass. A homeless bee that hasn’t showered in a year. Add in a little spoiled cough syrup. Tea could be a great base for an energy drink, but this is not the right tea, nor was it sweetened properly.

• Monster M-80: 6/10

  80% juice. Tastes like passion fruit, pineapple, and guava. Not bad, but a little too tangy from the pineapple. Tastes a little like cough syrup. In fact, I just had some cough syrup, and it mixes well.

• Sobe Essential – Berry Pomegranate: 8/10

  Only 7% juice, but very tasty. Raspberry and pomegranate flavor, lightly carbonated. It does have a hint of tanginess, whether from the fruit or the additives I can’t tell. A little too much sugar to be considered one of the “natural” alternatives, but it’s a great option.

• Rockstar Sugar Free: 3/10

  Tastes like carbonated Smarties. Drinks shouldn’t taste like Smarties. I really don’t know what else to say about this one, except that Smarties are a lot better.

• Full Throttle Zero: 7/10

  Citrusy, but it doesn’t hit you over the head. Overall it’s pretty nice, but it does have a little bit of funny taste from the additives, and I don’t know who needs so many additives in the first place. Each of the mainstream energy drink brands has a “standard flavor”, and this is probably the best of that lot.

• No Fear Sugar Free: 7/10

  Mostly grape, a little blueberry taste. Tastes similar to the Full Throttle Zero except for the choice of fruit. A good option but a little artificial.

• Amp Sugar Free: 7/10

  Tastes like bubble gum. Actually pleasant if you like the idea of drinking bubble gum. Not as many additives as some of the other energy drinks, and has no unpleasant aftertaste. Just bubble gum!

• Rockstar Zero Carb: 5/10

  Slightly bitter, moderate carbonation. I can’t pick out the fruit flavors because it’s a bit medicinal, and they don’t list which fruits make up the “natural flavors.” I appreciate the lack of aftertaste, but it’s still a bit sticky and artificial. The No Fear Sugar Free has a similar fruity taste but it’s definitely a step up from this.

• Lo-Carb Monster: 5/10

  Tastes incredibly similar to Rockstar Zero Carb. Really – just reread the last entry. Same artificiality and almost the same taste. I suspect they come from the same original manufacturer. It does add a few extra vitamins, but this is another one you could skip. Mixxd is the best of the Monsters so far.

• Amp with Black Tea: 4/10

  This doesn’t taste as spoiled as the Amp with Green Tea, but it does have the unpleasant tea/syrup combination of the Arizona Green Tea energy drink. It leaves you with an awful aftertaste for quite a while. The only saving grace is that the honey flavor isn’t as strong as the Arizona, which makes the overall flavor a bit more like a regular Amp… but why not just drink something else?

The goal: I want a drink that will keep me conscious and productive at work, without having too much sugar. I’m not a health nut, I’m just afraid of the diabetus. So, I found all of the natural/sugar-free energy drinks I could and slurped them down over the last three weeks. So you don’t have to.

• Bawls Exxtra: 7/10

  Slightly fruity flavor. If you like the Bawls taste, you’ll like this; it’s similar but more powerful. It has slightly less impact than Bawls because of the change in sweetener.

• Bawls Cherry: 8/10

  One of the best cherry sodas I’ve ever had. Doesn’t taste like an energy drink, just a good cherry soda (even though it’s artificial.) If that’s your thing, definitely try it out.

• Kaboom Orange Buzzzz: 9/10

  Excellent – tastes very much like orange juice. No detectable flavor from the energy components. Has a lot of vitamins and is organic. My favorite so far.

• Rumba energy juice: 8/10

  Not quite as good a taste as Kaboom Orange, but still good and 100% juice. Tastes like canned OJ – slightly watered down and lacking punch, but still refreshing and you can’t taste the energy additives at all. Other fruit flavors are faint.

• Red Bull Cola: 8/10

  The cola flavor tastes like Coke but more natural. Uses real sugar and no chemicals at all. Much lighter in color than normal cola. Has caffeine and no other energy additives – fine by me. Basically a really good cola with a bit more pep. Very slight (natural) aftertaste.

• Monster Mixxd: 7/10

  30% juice. The ingredients say the fruit juice comes from apples and grapes, which is pretty accurate if you can imagine the combination. Pretty tasty. A bit healthier than a straight energy drink but still has all the sugar and chemicals.

• Monster Khaos: 5/10

  50% juice. This time there are more fruit juices combined, but they don’t add up. The strongest fruit flavor for me is the peach. It comes across as medicinal, and I don’t want carbonated medicine. The juice can’t save this from mediocrity.

• Amp with Green Tea: 3/10

  This is not natural. It tastes like spoiled grapes and rotten herbs. There is absolutely no green tea flavor whatsoever, and by “yuzu” I think they meant “motor oil.” This has very few redeeming qualities – they added a few extra vitamins, and I’ve had a drink or two in my life that tasted worse.

• Mountain Dew Voltage: 5/10

  So highly carbonated it’s screaming to get out of the bottle. Try to avoid getting any in your mouth when it does come out of the bottle – you’ll thank me later. It tastes like a blue raspberry freezer pop. I like freezer pops, but the blue raspberry ones are the worst in the box, and I wouldn’t want to drink it.

• Rockstar Punched – Acai berry: 8/10

  Surprisingly nice. I wasn’t expecting much but it’s actually very fruity (in a good way) from the acai berry. I think the “citrus” name is a bit inaccurate; it’s more subtle and flavorful. Still has a bit of energy drink aftertaste so it can’t get the highest marks, but it’s definitely tasty.

Update: Here’s part two!

My goal: a tasty, reasonably healthy snack for breakfast that’s easily transported to work and doesn’t require preparation.

• Chocolate Chip – 5/10

  Not very chocolaty; they taste more like a chemically processed health food bar. No actual chocolate chips – or they’re too small to see. If you’re after chocolate flavor, try something else.

• Chocolate Brownie – 8/10

  Much more chocolaty than the Chocolate Chip. Tastes less like health food and more like a snack. And yet it’s still healthy… Worth a shot for anyone.

• Oatmeal Raisin Walnut – 6/10

  There’s a hint of walnut in this one but hardly any raisin. The oatmeal flavor is very weak – it tastes more like the standard Clif mix. These bars really need something to cover up the default Clif flavor because I’m not finding it pleasant.

• Chocolate Almond Fudge – 5/10

  I’m noticing a trend with some of the bars – they smell stronger than they taste. This one smells strongly of almond but there’s only a slight hint of almond in the taste. There’s not much fudge flavor at all – nothing like the chocolate brownie. Slightly better than the Chocolate Chip because of the extra flavor, but otherwise the same.

• Banana Nut Bread – 6/10

  Strong smell of banana, but the taste isn’t authentic. It has small bits of chocolate to try to help the flavor along, but it either needs more chocolate bits or better banana flavor. It fades into standard (strange, tangy) Clif flavor while chewing.

• Blueberry Crisp – 7/10

  “Blueberry” doesn’t belong in the title, but “Crisp” is it’s strong point. It doesn’t have the faintest hint of blueberry. It does add some larger nuts to the basic Clif formula, which help to add crunch and mask some of the regular Clif flavor.

• Carrot Cake – 8/10

  They actually got the the texture right – it’s reminiscent of real carrot cake. I’m not sure how they did that in a plastic-wrapped product, but it was a nice surprise. The taste is pleasant and fairly subtle, and doesn’t have as much of the standard Clif flavor, even without another strong flavor to mask it.

My favorites were definitely the Chocolate Brownie and the Carrot Cake. They had the most authentic flavors and textures, and I could probably eat them every morning for a while without getting bored. The others were forgettable because the base Clif formula is pretty gross and they didn’t do anything to separate themselves from it.

Note: I wasn’t able to test any peanut butter-flavored bars because of the peanut butter recall. When more flavors come in, I’ll make another post with my impressions.

The next obstacle is food – what to bring? You can’t show up to a BBQ with chips and a six pack of Budweiser or you’ll be lynched on sight. On the other hand, a Julia Childs-type soufflé may not be your style. It’s cool, dudes and chicks. I’ve got something easy and cool for you to do. I know you want to disregard this column because it’s something to do with cooking, but trust me, I know what I’m doing.

What’s cooler than chicken wings and drumsticks? Ok smartasses, aside from something with ice in it. Head down to the grocery store and grab a large bag of frozen chicken wings and drumsticks. Wings and drumsticks are a cheaper option than chicken breasts, and it is definitely more party friendly. They’re also awesome, and if there’s anything you want to be associated with, it’s the word “awesome”.

Grilled Raspberry Chicken
Recipe courtesy Taste of Home Magazine

Ingredients:
6 – 7 chicken thighs
6 – 7 chicken drumsticks
1 cup raspberry vinaigrette, plus 4 ½ teaspoons
2 tsp. dried rosemary, crushed
1/2 cup seedless raspberry jam
1 ½ tsp. lime juice
½ tsp. soy sauce
1/8 tsp. garlic powder

Utensils:
1 large, gallon-sized Ziploc-type freezer bag
Medium-sized bowl
Fork & spoon
13×9 glass dish (if you’re going to BBQ this chicken, you will not need a glass dish)
Brush for marinade (optional – if you don’t have one, just use the back of a spoon)

As you can see from the ingredients list, there’s not a lot to this chicken. Don’t even worry about buying brand-name components. In fact, I usually use generic brand vinaigrette.

Don’t be put off by spices. I actually know people who don’t make food that have to do with spices, because they’re a little weirded out by owning them. McCormick has a couple different sizes of spice bottles, and you can pick up a small container of rosemary – I think it’s a little less than half the size of normal spice jars. It’s a cheaper option, and won’t scare you off like the regular sized container might. As for the garlic, you can never have enough garlic in your life. Buy the biggest container you can and dump it on everything you eat, until it’s coming out of your pores!

If you’re a snob, pick up a lime to squeeze the juice out of, otherwise just grab a cheap, plastic lime, filled with juice.

This is really simple to do. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.

Step 1: Open Ziploc-type freezer bag.

Step 2: Pour in 1 cup raspberry vinaigrette, and only 1 teaspoon of rosemary.

Step 3: Put chicken in bag.

Step 4: Zip up the freezer bag, shake it all around so the chicken is coated.

Step 5: Throw it in the fridge for the next hour. For those of you who lose track of the time, you should actually use a timer so you know when the hour is up.

Step 6: Drain the marinade out of the bag, zip up the bag, and set the chicken aside for a minute.

Step 7: In a medium sized bowl, toss in the following ingredients: 4 ½ teaspoons raspberry vinaigrette, 1 tsp. rosemary, raspberry jam, lime juice, soy sauce, garlic powder. Mix those together. This is your glaze, and you’re going to baste the chicken with this yummy, raspberry concoction. It sounds weird to put soy sauce and garlic in with the raspberry jam, but it really doesn’t overpower the jam to the point where the jam is a strange, salty mess. It’s actually quite good and it will mature a bit, blending with the chicken, while it’s in the oven.

Step 8: If you’re going to be taking these to a BBQ, just grab your bowl of glaze and bag of marinated chicken with you to the BBQ. Baste those suckers with your glaze and slap them on the grill! It will probably be easier (not to mention cleaner) if you cook them on top of some aluminum foil, and keep the foil between the chicken and the grill. If you aren’t going to BBQ them, skip this step and proceed to the next step.

Step 9: Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F. Line up your chicken in the glass dish, and baste them with half of the glaze.

Step 10: Cook for 20 minutes.

Step 11: Turn chicken over, baste with the other half of the glaze.

Step 12: Cook for 20 minutes.

Step 13: Eat.

There you have it. It’s not difficult, as it is just waiting for it to sit in the marinade or wait for it to grill. Take these with you to your holiday party, and you’ll be more closely associated with “awesome” than ever before.

In a cookie book, the chapters are usually divided by type of cookie. A chocolate chip cookie is your basic drop cookie – there is no rolling or pressing needed, just scoop up some dough and drop your rounded spoonful on your cookie sheet. Anyone who has been able to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch can make 9 out of 10 other drop cookie recipes. Don’t be fooled by the list of ingredients or the length of the recipe or the recipe’s source: what I love the most about drop cookies is that they’re all made the same way as your chocolate chip cookie. Most of them do not require a lot of fuss and they’re really difficult to screw up. Just like your chocolate chip cookie, the important thing is to make sure it’s mixed really well.

Keeping in the spirit of the approaching holidays, I have a new one for everyone. This one comes from Bon Appetit – don’t be nervous because of the source. It’s a drop cookie called “Triple Chocolate Cranberry Oatmeal Cookies”, and just as easy as your basic Toll House recipes.

Now before we begin, my disclaimer about cranberries is this: I hate cranberries. There’s something about the acidity and tartness of the berry itself that I just can’t stand. However, because this cookie has three different kinds of chocolate and also some oatmeal (mixed with a mere ½ cup of cranberries), it is a very sweet cookie and the tart cranberry flavor doesn’t take over, instead the cranberries make a very nice contrast to the chocolate. When I made them last year, I brought them to work and even people who did not care for cranberries really enjoyed this cookie. If nothing else, this is a great looking cookie, and they make fantastic gifts. And you know how I get about creating attractive cookies – plain and simple, people won’t eat things that don’t look good.

Triple Chocolate Cranberry Oatmeal Cookies
1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
10 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) unsalted butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup (packed) golden brown sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup old-fashioned oats
1/2 cup double chocolate chips
1/2 cup milk chocolate chips
1/2 cup white chocolate chips
1/2 cup coarsely chopped fresh or frozen cranberries
2 ounces milk chocolate or white chocolate, chopped (for drizzling)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In the four corners of your cookie sheet, dab a little bit of butter. Lay your parchment paper on top (the butter will keep the parchment paper from sliding around).

In a large bowl, mix your butter and two sugars. Just like the chocolate chip cookie recipe from last month, the butter and sugars should blend together to look as much like a single substance as possible. If you are using a hand mixer, clean out your sink and put your bowl in it. That way if you get a little excited with the mixer, you can keep the batter contained to the sink area. (I know I said that in my last cookie column, but it never hurts to remind anyone.) If your butter is too cold, there will be butter chunks and it will not blend – let it sit for ten minutes and then come back to mix it up some more. Take your spatula and scrape around the bottom to make sure that you’ve mixed everything up.

Beat in the egg and the vanilla – again, use real vanilla. Just like the chocolate chip cookies, the two things you don’t want to scrimp on are the vanilla and chocolate, so use real vanilla. When you’re done beating this up, it should look like a single, runny substance. Take your spatula and scrape around in there to make sure you’ve gotten everything mixed up. If you find some chunks, mix it a little more – just until you’ve gotten everything looking like a single substance. Don’t mix it until eternity.

Again, I always cheat when it comes to the dry ingredients. The true recipe marks the first step as putting all of the dry ingredients in a separate bowl and whisking them to combine. The thing that I hate about doing that is that it’s one more bowl that I have to wash. That probably sounds lame, but with all of the dishes I’m going to have to do after this, I don’t want to add the bowl and the whisk to the wash list – even if I’m just going to throw it into the dishwasher. So we’re going to have to add the dry ingredients but we need to make sure that it all gets mixed in here evenly. The best way to do that is add the 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and 1/4 teaspoon salt with only ½ cup of the flour. Mix that around and use your spatula to scrape everything off of the sides and, most importantly, the bottom. If you find stuff on the bottom that needs to be mixed, don’t worry about it – throw in the last of the flour (½ cup) and your oatmeal and mix it around with your mixer. As for oatmeal, I prefer to use regular oatmeal, but if you only have instant on hand, that’s fine as well – as long as it’s not the flavored crap that you find in little packets. You can pick up a small canister at the grocery store for just a couple of dollars. If you want to use a generic brand, feel free. (I’m sure culinary snobs everywhere are grinding their teeth at me, but I really don’t see the problem with using a generic brand in this case.) Don’t forget to take your rubber spatula and scrape that around to make sure everything is mixed. If you find chunks, mix it for another few seconds – just mix it long enough to make sure everything is combined. You don’t need to go at it for five minutes, just another 15 – 20 seconds should do. The important thing is to make sure that the oatmeal is pretty evenly worked through your bowl.

Stir in the chocolate chips. Now, again I’m going to be a stickler on the chocolate because, to be honest, most of the brands you see at the grocery store sell absolutely awful white chocolate. I am completely convinced that anyone who hates white chocolate has never had good chocolate. Go pick up a bag of assorted Lindt truffles and help your self to a white chocolate truffle – it will change your mind. The problem is, most people have tried Nestlé’s or Hershey’s white chocolate, which is absolute crap. In all honesty, it tastes like plastic. I’m not a huge fan of Ghirardelli’s white chocolate either, but it’s the best of what is usually found in the grocery store. If you can get better, get it, otherwise go with the Ghirardelli’s. You only need ½ cup of each (white, milk, and double chocolate), so just toss whatever is left over into separate freezer bags and store them in your freezer until you need chocolate chips again… which, if you’re following my cookie columns, will probably be in the next two to three weeks.

Before you start mixing, you also need to add a ½ cup of chopped cranberries. If you absolutely do not want to use cranberries because you’ve got a huge aversion to them, use raspberries. I prefer cranberries because they are more festive for this time of year, but whatever – it won’t make too big of a deal. If you aren’t going to eat them because they’re cranberries, don’t get your pants in a twist; obviously you should make whatever you will eat. For the cranberries, you will need to chop them – I just cut them in half and toss them in. Don’t bother with fancy cranberries; just grab a bag of Ocean Spray cranberries in your grocery store’s produce section. Using a spoon, mix your batter. Make sure you’ve mixed everything so well that your chocolate and cranberries are worked evenly through the dough – otherwise, what happens is the first half of your cookies are loaded with cranberries and chocolate, and the last half are practically naked. Say no to naked cookies.

Take a tablespoon and scoop up some dough – a nice size now, because no one likes a wimpy cookie. There is a time for bite-sized cookies, but that isn’t right now. Drop them onto your cookie sheet a couple inches apart and bake them for about 16 minutes. If your cookie is smaller it will bake faster, if it’s too big it will need a lot longer to bake – duh. The point of this is that this is another cookie I try not to over-bake because I like having a crispy edge and a soft center. If you aren’t too sure about your cookie size, try baking it for 14 minutes to see what happens. I use the same method as the regular chocolate chip cookies – when the outsides are baked and the very center is a little white, I take them out. The heat from the cookie will keep them baking just another couple of minutes so you don’t want to overdo it in the oven. So, bake them with the same thoughts you had about the Toll House chocolate chip cookies.

Ok. Once your cookies come out and are cooled down, it’s time to make them look attractive. If you noticed in the picture, there is a little bit of white chocolate over the top. Take a pot, put about an inch of water in the bottom. On top of the pot you want to put either another pot that fits right on top – it should not touch the water in the bottom, it should rest nicely on top – or a metal bowl of some sort. Turn your burner on medium low (the dial should point to 8:00 or 9:00). You can use a bit of your white chocolate chips if you want – toss those into the bowl and let them melt. They will take a few minutes to melt, so be patient. Do not turn the heat up. Also, do not put the pot with the chocolate directly onto the burner because it will scald it. This indirect method melts chocolate very nicely. Once the chocolate is melted, take it off of the burner, off of the boiling water pot, and let it cool for two or three minutes – until it feels okay to the touch and is not burning your skin off.

The original recipe instructs you to take a spoon and lightly sprinkle chocolate on top of the cookie. Unless you’re skilled at this, I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ve tried this before and no matter what I do, huge chunks will fly off my spoon, plop large, unattractive blobs of chocolate onto the cookie, and I end up spattering crap everywhere. I think it’s all the coffee I drink – I get the shakes! And then the spasms and the voices! …maybe I’ve said too much. Anyway, here is what you should do: take a cheap, plastic sandwich bag and put a few spoonfuls of chocolate into one of the bottom corners (this is why I said to wait until it’s cool enough to handle – especially if you’re doing this with your kids, because you don’t want them to get burned). Close up the bag and snip a very smallcut into the corner of the bag. (It’s the poor-man’s pastry bag!) If your cut is too big, then your stripes will be too thick. So try to make the tiniest incision. Twist your bag so that the chocolate is forced into the corner. Applying a light amount of pressure to the bag, you will be able to evenly draw zig-zag lines across your cookie, similar to the picture. If you find that your cut is too big, just work your chocolate into the other corner of the bag and try making another cut into that corner. Before you apply the chocolate to your cookies, practice a couple of zig-zag lines on a piece of parchment so you can get the hang of it. Actually, I always do this before I start on a cookie because I want to check that my incision is the right size. I prefer this method because it’s cleaner and easier. It’s also fun to do with kids, because they really enjoy doing this decorating part. Once the chocolate is applied, let it cool, and you’ve got yourself a tasty, festive-looking cookie for either Thanksgiving or whatever holiday in December that you celebrate.

Comment below or email me at with any questions.

What a bunch of crap.

Most Americans live well beyond their means. Advertisements and slogans do their best to make the average consumer feel as though their lives will not be fulfilled unless they purchase X, Y, or Z. This is a lie, and yet every year we rush out to the stores to purchase enough food for an army and, dare I say, while some people have none. (Remember the times you have been needy and donate to a family in your area that could use a helping hand!)

When I was young, my mother would get up very early on Thanksgiving morning and start cooking up our feast. She would cook all day long for a family of four, and we couldn’t even eat half of it. Much of it would get packed up and sent to the freezer, but there were many things that would have to be thrown out. One year she decided that all of the work she went through was ridiculous and cut back to a few main essentials. Because I will only be cooking for two this year, I will be taking the same approach: turkey, mashed potatoes, a small quantity of peas (you know that you mix up your potatoes and peas, don’t lie), stuffing, and gravy to smother everything. Keep your dessert simple, too. Before you go to the grocery store, just decide on what everyone likes the most and only make that. Don’t be afraid to cut back.

A couple of months ago I said that when we got closer to Canadian Thanksgiving we would talk turkey. And even though I wrote up an article with recipes, I realized that the one thing I hadn’t mentioned was turkey. Honestly, I’m not really sure what I could tell you that more qualified, gourmet chefs can’t — unless you really do not cook at all and get that deer-in-the-headlights look when anyone says “sauté” or “broil” because a lot of food shows and recipes don’t explain themselves as well as they think they do. I enjoy cooking very much and have been doing it for a long time, and when it comes to dessert I like my recipes to contain a lot of different steps and be very difficult. But when it comes to regular meals, I don’t think it should be overly expensive and time-consuming to make your dinner so I slice and dice things for efficiency, without losing the taste. I’m a food hacker of sorts.

Williams-Sonoma is currently giving out free booklets that include Thanksgiving recipes and tips on turkey. If you’re a decent cook and you feel like it, take a gander over at their website, where they are listing some Thanksgiving Recipes and Thanksgiving Leftover Recipes. Just don’t fall for their gadgets and crap. Their recipes call for a “special blend of herbs” that you can purchase from their stores. You don’t need that.

Buy yourself a free-ranged turkey. If you really want to know how to make your basic, delicious bird and you’ve not really cooked a lot, go pick up the Better Homes & Gardens red-and-white-checkered cookbook. It won’t steer you wrong. The recipes contained within (including the instructions on turkey) are basic and easy to follow. I promise. Their instructions are generally the ones I follow, but I spruce up the recipe portion quite a bit. Remember – you will have to start thawing your turkey a couple of days in advance. The packaging should explain it all to you. Just stick it in your sink or an unused bathtub while it’s defrosting.

The night before Thanksgiving, soften up about one cup of butter in a small bowl. Add some garlic – if you want to use some bottled, pre-minced garlic, feel free. The bottled garlic has higher acidity, but it’s faster and easier (I use it to make regular dinners). If you prefer fresh garlic, use it. Put about two tablespoons into the butter, along with:

1 teaspoon thyme
1 teaspoon sage
2 teaspoons parsley
1 teaspoon chives
1 teaspoon rosemary

Or whatever you’ve got. If you don’t have all of these spices don’t run out and buy more, just put in the ones that you do have (you really can’t go wrong with this). Mix the herbs into the butter, cover it with some plastic wrap, and refrigerate overnight. The next day when you get ready to put your turkey together, smother your turkey with the herbed butter. Coat the bird inside, into the crevices and joints – I even like to coat it underneath the skin. (To quote Emeril, “Ooh yeah, baby!”) Just stick your fingers in there and get it all over. For everything else, you can just follow the basic instructions on the bird packaging or in the Better Homes & Gardens book. (Or if you really don’t want to get the book, email me and I’ll send the directions to you.)

Turkeys seem really overwhelming, but they aren’t. When in doubt, take your knife, cut it and make sure it’s no longer pink. (Well, the dark meat will be a little pink but the white should not be.)

Lastly, do you know why I like eating a Thanksgiving turkey so much? Because Fiona Apple, my evil nemesis, thinks that it is cruelty against turkeys. A few years ago she set up a turkey hotline for people who wanted to call and speak out against this ritual of turkey eating. So even if I were a vegetarian, I’d eat turkey on Thanksgiving just to spite her. Mmm… turkey.

But alas, finding a good cookie recipe is nearly impossible to find. The “winning” cookie recipes usually leave me disappointed. I expect magnificence, but get mediocrity. I demand the exciting, but get the uninspiring. Do the cuisine magazines and food divas of today really know what we want to eat? Or is it that so few people are cooking, we’re just happy to eat anything that isn’t from a box or bag? Maybe I am on to something. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if most of us could only rate cookies into two categories: store-bought grade and homemade grade.

Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re saying, “Come on now, we’re talking about a cookie, not a piece of steak.” And you’re exactly right. But I don’t want to spend my time on something bland and boring – if I wanted that, I could head down to the local supermarket and pick up a box. Or maybe it is that you doubt you could make a gourmet cookie on your limited experience and expertise. Don’t worry, you aren’t alone. We’ll start at some great beginner cookies and we’ll work our way up. Besides, you don’t have to labor away over the fussiest, most exotic recipe to produce a great tasting cookie.

My first cookie was the Nestlé’s Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie. I used to make these with my Mama, and after my first batch of cookies, I was hooked. In fact, for the longest time I would only make chocolate chip cookies. At one point, Mom’s old, 1970’s, avocado colored, hand-held mixer broke – we were mixing up cookie dough when smoke started pouring out from it. That was the end of the old mixer. Until we bought a new one, I was not going to let something as trivial as a mixer stop me. While I assembled the dough, I always had the warm water running so I could quickly wash my hands and shove them into the bowl to mix manually. Yep, you’ve got it: Squish, squish! That was how I did it, until my brother got so tired of watching me put my hands into his cookies that he bought me a new hand held mixer for Christmas. And even though my baking has expanded to so many other realms over the years, I haven’t been able to get rid of that little hand mixer. Besides, those bigger ones are expensive and my trusty little hand held mixer does the job just fine. Mom tried buying me an industrial-sized mixer for Christmas a couple of years ago, but I protested. I don’t think I could bear to part with the one my brother bought me so long ago. At the very least, I’ll wait until it kicks the bucket.

The great thing about chocolate chip cookies is that they are a hearty cookie – that is, it’s really hard to screw them up. In fact, you have to try to screw them up. Some cookies are fussy about measurements and ingredients; many require patience and a thousand different steps. But not the chocolate chip cookie. The chocolate chip cookie loves you. The chocolate chip cookie is your friend.

When it comes to chocolate, most culinary experts will tell you to use the best chocolate possible. And why wouldn’t you? When it comes to cookies, chocolate is often the star of the show. Unfortunately, this usually means spending a lot of money on specialty items that most people can’t afford, or simply cannot justify the cost of. I definitely understand this, because if you’re making cookies for fun, friends and family, it’s hard to spend so much money.

My first Christmas being married, I let my husband know that I would be spending a week to bake all my cookie gifts. I did my cookie-grocery run, made all my cookies and sent all the packages off to our friends. My husband saw the grocery bill and was floored at the total cost. Because he really isn’t a food connoisseur it didn’t make any sense to him as to why I would spend so much money on pure vanilla rather than imitation, or on a higher quality chocolate rather than a generic brand. After all, it’s fine and well when a gourmet chef is giving you the what-for about quality of ingredients, but when it is coming from your wallet, the desire to cut corners on behalf of your budget is completely understandable. Trust me; I’ve been there, especially when my husband shops with me. Now you know why I leave him in the deli section to order sandwich meat while I go off to grab everything else! (Don’t tell him I said that.)

But there’s no reason why you should sacrifice quality due to price. There are still some decent chocolates available in local grocery stores that would be completely fitting for cookies and won’t break the bank. I generally try to steer clear of the following brands: Bakers, Hershey’s and Nestlé’s. Oh sure, I keep a bag of Nestlé’s Toll House Chips in my freezer, but that’s so I can always have the chocolate chip cookie recipe handy.

I was going to go into a long diatribe about how to define what chocolate is good and what isn’t, but I found an article on a weblog that is, dare I say, hulk-like in its rant about chocolate. Here, said blog lists the worst three chocolates, best three chocolates and explains why, colorfully. In his assessment, two of the top three chocolates are by Lindt. There are better in terms of baking, but overall, Lindt can be obtained easily in a grocery store and between its different types of chocolates, Lindt performs well overall. There are other things that should be considered with chocolate as well. Chocolate should appear creamy and glossy, not blemished (like Nestlé’s – if you’ve ever melted this chocolate down, it will be grainy). It should smell delicious, not bland (like Hershey’s). When you break it, chocolate should snap cleanly, not bend or break off into fragments.

So, for this recipe, Lindt is what I’m going to instruct you to buy. Of course, you don’t have to, but that’s what I recommend. Nestlé’s chips are grainy and taste a bit waxy, Hershey’s is not that spectacular either, and even though we’re making your basic chocolate chip cookie, it would probably be better if you used a decent chocolate for your first time out. In fact, we’re going to use three of them.

Recipes usually call for chocolate chips (hence the name “chocolate chip cookies”) but since I want to use some good chocolate, we’re going to buy a couple bars of Lindt baking chocolate. Lindt baking chocolate bars come in sizes of about 2.5 – 3.0 oz bars. You can do a couple of different things here. Either buy 12 ounces of all the same chocolate, or mix it up a bit. You can mix bittersweet, dark chocolate and white chocolate chunks in the same cookie, and it really does make a great presentation. But do whatever you prefer, as it really doesn’t matter.

Unwrap your chocolate bars and chop them up with a knife. You want them to be about the size of a large chocolate chip. And don’t try to chop them into all of the same squares – they really do look great when they’re random shapes and sizes. Put ¾ of each chocolate bar into the batch. We want to reserve a little bit of the chocolate to put on top. Mix the batter with a spoon, NOT the mixer.

On the other hand, if you absolutely do not want to spend the money on chocolate bars (it’s much more expensive than buying a bag of chocolate chips) then I would recommend that you pick up a bag of Ghirardelli’s double chocolate chips. Out of all of Ghirardelli’s chocolate chip products, the double chocolate is probably the best. It is the creamiest and glossiest of all their chips, and has a great taste. Add ¾ of the bag, holding back some to put on top of the cookies, right before baking.

Nestlé Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies – Blue Midget Style

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
3/4 cup granulated white sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 eggs
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup chopped nuts
2 cups (12-ounce package) Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsels

This is the generic Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe, but we’re going to spruce it up a bit. Trust me; I know what I’m doing. If you’re familiar at all with the original recipe, you may have noticed that I’ve rearranged the ingredients around a bit. This is because, in the original recipe, the first thing you have to do (after you turn the oven on to 375 degrees) is sift together all of the dry ingredients, and we’re not going to do that. I’m sure many culinary experts and food snobs everywhere would hate me for saying this, in the same way that they hate Rachel Ray. But I don’t care – the Chocolate Chip Cookie is one tough cookie (wonk, wonk, wonk…), and we don’t need to do all that to produce good results. You can if you want, but you don’t have to.

Here’s what I want you to do: Before you start, your butter should be softened. You can either unwrap it and leave it in the bowl, or unwrap it and cut it into chunks to soften. The softer the butter is, the more a cookie will spread. A lot of people will say that you should melt the butter, but I don’t particularly care for that because I want a fluffy, buffed-out cookie. No wimpy cookies allowed. Your butter should be softened, but not gooey.

Using a mixer, combine your butter together with the brown and white sugar. Don’t worry about which mixer setting to use – just mix that puppy all around on whatever setting you want. Be careful though, or your ingredients will go flying all over your kitchen. I like to clean out my sink and put the bowl in there, that way if anything goes flying, there’s a good chance it will at least be confined to the sink area. You will know that your butter is soft enough if the three ingredients blend together into one. If you’re having a hard time with the butter and it’s too hard, scrape everything off of the mixer and let the butter sit out for another ten minutes. Once everything is mixed, take a spatula and scrape around the sides and the bottom. If you find that you didn’t combine everything the first time, mix it up a little more. Another 30 seconds will do. Mixing is one of the more important things in baking. I realize that to most of us, this sounds obvious, but I want to point this out because most cookies will not work out because we didn’t mix it up enough. The batter should look like its all one ingredient at this point. You really want that butter to be combined – there should not be any butter chunks.

Now add the two eggs. The recipe calls for only a teaspoon of vanilla, but I really like a lot of vanilla. On the other hand, Thanksgiving and winter holidays are coming, so we should probably not get out of control because we’re going to need that bottle to last us. Make sure you’re using real vanilla and nothing else. I understand perfectly if you want to cut corners and pinch pennies with a cookie recipe, but do not let it be with the vanilla or the chocolate. So, let’s add 1.5 teaspoons (the small one that says “tsp” in lower case letters) of vanilla. Combine all that with your mixer – it should look like a single runny substance. When you think you’re done, stop your mixer and scrape the bowl with your spatula. If your spatula brings up some unmixed goop, then go ahead and mix it up for about another 30 seconds. This is another crucial mixing point, as it is important that your eggs are thoroughly mixed in. Make sure that it all looks like one ingredient in there. If you see discernable egg goop separated from the batter, mix it up a little more.

Once your bowl of goop is all mixed together, it’s time to start on the dry ingredients. Before we started, I mentioned that this recipe (as well as most other chocolate chip cookie recipes) calls for sifting the dry ingredients together before adding them to the mixture. We did not do that, and because we skipped this step, we really need to make sure that the three dry ingredients are mixed in really well.

Grab your 1 teaspoon of baking soda and your 1 teaspoon of salt (again, teaspoon is the small one that says “tsp” in lower case letters) and toss it into your bowl of mixed goop. If you want to eyeball the salt, go for it. Again, the chocolate chip cookie is not fussy about measurements so if you wanted to eyeball a couple of things, be my guest. Also throw in 1 cup of flour. Mix this up, and make sure that you mix it well. Scrape the bottom with your spatula and mix it up again, for about another 30 seconds. If you aren’t sure, don’t be afraid – you really can’t over-mix this cookie. When you’re ready, throw in the other 1 ¼ cup of flour and use your mixer on it. This will be the last of the mixer, so make sure that everything is blended really well. Your dough should look like one substance now, and hopefully it looks like cookie dough.

Scrape the beaters off. If you like nuts add some – it doesn’t matter, just pick a nut or a mixture of nuts and add them. If you don’t like nuts, then don’t add them. If you’re feeling a little freaked out about nuts, just forget we mentioned them. Whether or not you add them really has no bearing on this cookie. Add the chocolate – most of it anyway. Presentation is everything, so we’re only going to add ¾ of the chocolate to the mix. Use a spoon and mix it around really well, making sure the chocolate (and nuts, if you added them) are mixed thoroughly.

Grab your cookie sheet. If you’re going to use parchment paper, and I recommend that you do (you can buy disposable rolls from any grocery store or purchase the washable/reusable kind), dabble just a little butter on the four corners of your cookie sheet and lay your parchment on top. This will keep your paper from sliding around.

Now take your smallest dining spoon. Gather up a nice rounded spoonful, no more than 1 inch in diameter. Keep the dough balls about two inches apart from each other and fill up your cookie sheet. Take a couple pieces of chocolate that you have left over, and place it on top of each ball of dough.

Put them in the oven. This standard Toll House recipe calls for baking between 9 – 11 minutes, and I always put it on the lower number first, in case of over-baking. After nine minutes, check to see that the outsides are browned and the very inside is still a bit white. It’s ok that the centers are not cooked all of the way, because they will still be hot for a few minutes after you remove them from the oven, so they will continue to cook a bit. If this is your first time making cookies, I would recommend that you only bake one or two cookies at first, just to try this out. If you pull your cookies out while the centers are a little white, your cookies will be crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. And with the extra chocolate on top, it gives the cookie an excellent presentation.

Good luck.