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Let me tell you something about where I live, the great state of Alabama. It is too damn hot.

We have two seasons, the hot season and the holy shit it’s hot season. Guess which one it is right now! I’ll give you a hint: my eyeballs are poaching inside my skull like tiny eggs.

You may have heard people say “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” If you live up north, or even in the desert out west, you might think you can imagine what this means, but you CAN’T. It is so humid outside right now, that it is no cooler in the shade than in the direct sunlight. When the breeze blows it is not refreshing, just hot wet air moving instead of sitting still. There is water standing at the roadsides from rain two days ago that can’t evaporate. Sweating just adds to the discomfort, because there is no air capable of taking away the hot sticky moisture.

The only available relief is going indoors, because car air conditioners are not powerful enough to overcome the intense heat radiating off the dash and seats, let alone pouring in through the windows like nuclear death. Getting in a car that has been sitting in the sun all day in Alabama is like climbing inside a running nuclear reactor with a bottle of Tabasco up your ass. The next person who asks me “hot enough for ya??” as they walk by is going to get punched in the kidney.

I have lived here all my life, so I should be used to it… I am not. I have decided not to go outside again until October.