Half Empty: This Week’s News Report

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Now that most of the halffull writers are back, I will reinstitute an old custom: The weekly news update. However, I need a name for my news report. Any ideas? Comment below with your suggestions.

And now for the news.

For those of you who did not follow this year’s “American Idol”, you didn’t miss much. The winner, Taylor Hicks, whom I predict in three years will be relegated to performing lounge acts in Vegas as an opening act for Tom Jones, has been recently voted as People Magazine’s Hottest Bachelor. For some bizarre reason, the masses have been charmed by his gray hair and long, shaggy eyebrows, and have somehow decided that he looks like George Clooney. I assure you, this is not the case at all. Halffull has done some extensive research and has discovered that Taylor Hicks is, in fact, Jay Leno’s mini-me. Our research is guaranteed to be factual because it was done over the internet. By ninjas. Internet ninjas. Yeah.

Separated at Birth?

Suddenly, Al Gore is popular. Thanks to the wonders of movie making, written scripts and editing, Al is apparently saying things that are pertinent to today’s world. His documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth” is 100 minutes reiterating the importance of global warming. What is it that is important for you to know? He’s promised not to run for presidency again. Hot diggety dog! Floridian voters, you may sleep well tonight.

This past week as I was flipping channels (as you know I am wont to do), I came across something extremely interesting on Fox News. To be quite honest, I still am not sure what in the holy hell was going on, but a well-groomed female Fox reporter was in heated dialogue with the frumpiest, granola-eating, psycho Christian Fundamentalist they could find. By the time I stumbled upon this gem, I couldn’t even understand what the argument was about because the two women were screaming at each other and it was impossible to understand what they were saying until Granola shouted out, “You think gay pride, BIMBO!” And then I was laughing so hard I couldn’t really follow what happened after. Go here to Johnny Dollar’s blog to see either the entire thing, or select the best bits of the shouting match. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

In the ironic department, Nestle is buying Jenny Craig. If you think about it, it’s the perfect marketing strategy: After they turn us all into fat asses, they’re going to sell us Jenny Craig. Or annoy us to death with Kirstie Alley until we give in and buy Jenny Craig. Genius.

Britney Spears has hit the news again, in her first interview since she had her baby, Cheeto Double-Wide Federline. Or whatever his name is. All I know is that it’s a crying shame what’s happened to her. The media was very forgiving back when she was sweet and cute. Now that she’s fat, trashy, and dropping her baby everywhere, it’s hard to be forgiving. I found the transcript of her interview and I have to point out that I can’t understand half of what she says.

“But you are kinda puttin’ more of your soul out there with your music and I think maybe the public feels like they know you. And when that happens it’s more of an attachment there and with the tabloids.”

Wut?

“I’m not doin’ anything right now so no one’s talking about my career. You know. When I do, they will talk trust me. But right now, no. They’re you know … it’s about him right now and he has no reason to be jealous.”

You know?

My favorite parts of this interview have to be where she doesn’t deny keeping K-Fed in the basement (come on, let me dream!) and that she says K-Fed is working very hard. I can imagine that partying hard all night and day, spending Britney’s money is hard work. Actually, reports are coming in that he got an actual job as the face of Blue Marlin clothing. I’ve never heard of Blue Marlin clothing, but I can imagine that any fashion-forward clothing company would want to snatch up the fashionista that is K-Fed. Every day I look in the mirror and I wonder why I have not yet found that special someone who looks like they bathe in a prison toilet.

Kevin Federline Looking Like a Turd

Here’s the cover of his first single. He must have been scratching his ass again, because he’s giving his fingers a good whiff.

KFed Single

Stay tuned for next week’s news.