Good morning. I am Wilford Brimley and I have the diabetes.
I have a bone to pick with all of you. First and foremost I would like to share an anecdote. The other day while I was shopping for a few hundred pounds of fine Quaker brand oats, I was approached by a crazed lunatic. Before me was a gentleman dressed in a wizard’s cloak holding an owl and a broadsword. I was dumbfounded. I have never seen anything like this while riding horses on my ranch in the Rockies.
I asked the gentleman,”Sir, why do you hold an owl and a broadsword. And why are you staring at me.”
He replied, “Foul Goblin Warchief Gnut-Kreft, silence yourself before I cast a level 12 fireball spell at you!”
I had no idea what he was carrying on about. So, I asked him. “Son what the devil are you carrying on about?”
“SILENCE! You are the devil and I will slay you!!”
At this point I was feeling a bit threatened.
I thought to myself for a moment, “Does this guy know who he is dealing with? I am Wilfrod freaking Brimley! I once wrestled three Grizzly Bears to death by tearing their faces off.”
I had no idea what this kid was screaming at me for. I thought maybe I should try and calm him down a bit.
“Now son… what is your name?”
“My name is Vince Klortho and I am a level 15 Battle Mage.”
“…..”
“My Battle Mage skills are so strong I will slay you.”
“….Son you are starting to piss me off.”
“Is that so? Than you can taste the power of VINCE KLORTHO!!!!!”
At this point the Battle Mage threw his owl in the air, screaming some kind of gibberish, and it came screeching down upon me; talons glinting menacingly in the fluorescent lighting of this whole food arena.
I had enough of this little turd. I took one massive swing and punched his owl right in the beak. It sailed limp across the aisle, knocking over my Quaker Oats. The owl laid lifeless on the floor. I approached this Vince character. He seemed distant and incoherent.
“Vince, what is your damage? Are you some kind of brokeback mountaineer!!?? I told you, I am Wilford freaking Brimley! I can kill you. What is the problem here?”
Vince Klortho level 15 Battle Mage responded, “I am on a LARPing adventure and you just killed my pet bird.”
Ladies and gentleman, I hope we all learned something from this little story. If you LARP, you are a loser. Not just any loser, mind you, you are the kind of loser that probably humps livestock.
Nobody gives a shit if you can cast a level 37 confuse spell on your effin’ goldfish. You don’t know magic, you aren’t a wizard, and your goldfish hopes you die. Grow up.
Why don’t you try gaining enough experience to cast a level 48 Summon Hot Girlfriend spell. Instead of going on “adventures” to rid the world of Kobolds and bands of pillaging orcs, why don’t you go on a quest to get laid, or go on a date.
You are a fruit cake and should hang up your magic flail and body armor for a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.
I hope your 378-sided die aids you well in rolling a dexterity save while some beer-chugging bro dude is about to pummel you for calling him an Ogre and trying to slay him.
That is just plain silly.
Good night now.
WB
NO! NOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??? I swear if the gaming freaks show up, I will cast an um…whatever the hell it is that they cast. Actually I never really had much respect for spells and crap, let’s face it, the coolest guy in LOTR was Legolas, as much as I hate his ass b/c every girl in the world loves him, and he didn’t cast crap, and despite being an elf, he never muttered any elvish gibberish. Plus that Dungeons and Dragons movie totally sucked. To be fair I only watched it b/c I couldn’t sleep and it was 1 AM and the food network doesn’t play anything good at 1 AM so I turned to sci fi and got stuck watching something about a lich or something. Then a dragon killed some guy. I don’t know why, maybe it was b/c the guy forgot to pay his bar tab.
Regardless. I looked up this “LARP” thingy and now I’m scared of gamer geeks showing up here. Of course I’ve always been interested in getting enough people on here to test that theory that if a flame war goes on long enough you get a reference to hitler. By then it will have generated into such useful insights as “You’re a dumbass” and “Your comments reveal your immaturity”. I’m sure some psychologist is studying why message boards do something detrimental to most human beings, that we regress to middle school and we go back to when that one kid would push me and say “Hit me” and I’d just look at him and stare and he’d be like “Hit me” and I wasn’t going to b/c I had no interest in the fights going on every day, except that one kid who got out a book of mom jokes and I felt the need to fight with him and I sucked mostly (hint: your mom’s so fat that when a guy finishes having sex with her he ends up in canada” is not a clever “your mom” joke) but then got good about it.
Wait, what? I forgot what I was saying. Good post though. Just please don’t let the gamer geeks find us. They frighten me.
February 5th, 2006, at 12:19 pm #Don’t get me wrong my man, I love the nerd-core, but not enough to buy a freaking sword and attack something. There is something seriously wrong with an individual willing to do that. There is a thing called reality and as much as some people don’t want to hear it…DRAGONS, MAGIC, ELVES, FAIRIES, DOG PEOPLE, UNICORNS AND SANTA CLAUS ARE NOT REAL. That said, they are in fact fun to read about. They are also fun in a video game format. They are not fun in a “I am wearing a gauntlet that renders me immune to crossbow fire.” If I shot said dweeb with a crossbow I am certain 2 of 3 things would happen:
1 It would hurt a lot 2 There would a significant collection of blood AND 3 Death would possibly ensue
If anyone LARP freak wants to bring his trusty steed and battle axe over to my house I will cast a level 7 Punch you in the face spell…then I will run you over with my car.
Good night now.
February 5th, 2006, at 1:36 pm #Just be careful with what’s real and what’s not…grays are real. And reptilians. Those bastards scare me, with their Swiss banks and um…Cocaine. Yeah. Cocaine. FOR NIBIRU!
February 6th, 2006, at 12:41 am #Hey, didn’t you watch the Santa Claus 1 and 2. Or any of the Silent night Deadly night movies, 1 through 5. There is a Santa Claus, and sometimes he kills people for being naughty because he got too drunk at the company christmas party and somehow this made him go on a killing spree.
February 20th, 2006, at 10:57 pm #Also Wilford, i thought you would like to see a St Valentine’s day card in honor of yourself.
February 20th, 2006, at 11:15 pm #http://www.wwujd.com/homepage_files/Valentines2.jpg
February 20th, 2006, at 11:15 pm #