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Because I avoided the news like a plague last week, I feel as though I’m running to catch up on everything that’s happening. And there’s quite a bit going on, so I felt this warranted another news update.

A special elected House of Reps committee is investigating the foul-up surrounding Hurricane Katrina. Earlier this week they interviewed former FEMA Director Michael Brown. “Wow,” is about all I can say to this debacle. A couple of weeks ago I noted that in the myriad of people who didn’t handle the hurricane crisis correctly, someone was going to have to go down for it all, because it’s not going to be President Bush, and every politician around wants to get as far away from this clusterf*ck as possible. Michael Brown has stepped up to the plate with enthusiasm, donning a large bullseye on his forehead like a moron. Among the horrific claims he made, he told the committee that his two biggest mistakes were that he did not hold a press conference immediately after he arrived in Louisiana and that he “did not recognize that Louisiana was dysfunctional,” referring to dissention between New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco that ultimately caused response failure. But why stop there when you’re on a roll? Brown hit bottom when he stated the FEMA is not a first response agency, instead, it is a coordinator of the first response agencies. Yep, just when you thought he couldn’t make it any worse, he did. Representative Christopher Shays, a Republican from Connecticut, became nasty at this point and justifiably so when he said, “I’m glad you left. Because that kind of, you know, look in the lights like a deer tells me that you weren’t capable to do the job.” Hey, now that there’s a large moving target of idiocy in the forefront, everyone else can jump out of the way.

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I love a good conspiracy theory. Add that to my penchant for cynicism, and you’ll know exactly what I was thinking last night when I sat down to watch the premiere of “Commander in Chief” with Geena Davis: The secret powers that be are warming up the population for a female president. Yeah I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but I wouldn’t it past them – whoever they are. I’m not sure who “them” is; some secret person or persons who really make all the decisions. Perhaps it’s the Illuminati or Xenu, maybe even Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. I’m not really sure whom exactly, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find that someone government related was sponsoring this television program to ready the nation for a female president. I don’t think it will be Hillary or Condi, as the press is frothing at the mouth with, but I do find it highly likely that a female candidate will run when the next couple of generations are old enough to vote. This television show is a strong first step in readying the mindset of the next few waves of voters, and everyone, everywhere, seems to be speaking their mind about the romanticism of a female president.

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It’s been a couple of weeks since I have delved out the news lowlights. There’s a reason for that, and a really good one too: I was sick of it. Everywhere you turned, it was nothing but Katrina and Rita. And more Katrina. And even more Rita. But I can’t procrastinate any longer because we really should catch up on current events. Unfortunately there isn’t much out there that’s really funny, but I’ll try my best.

Vice President Dick Cheney has had a long history of serious health problems. This weekend, he went in for surgery for knee aneurysms. According to the hospital, his surgery went smoothly and without complication. Apparently he was only scheduled for one knee, but during the surgery, his doctors decided to do the second. Cheney was released from the hospital, walking without assistance. Moving slowly and rigidly to the car, he looked, strangely enough, like Anakin Skywalker after his transformation to Darth Vader. I’m not alluding to anything; I’ll let you draw your own conclusions to that. At any rate, Vice President Darth Cheney worked from home yesterday, recuperating from the surgery. He is expected to be back at work soon, where his first action will be to head down to the D.C. police department and Force Choke Cindy Sheehan.

Fox TV’s “Head Cases,” starring Chris O’Donnell and Adam Goldberg, the completely unfunny television show about two lawyers who are released from an institution and forced to work together, was cancelled after only two airings. And there was much rejoicing.

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This afternoon I was writing up the weekly news report (since I haven’t done it in two weeks) when I reached the portion about the anti-war protests at the White House this weekend and Cindy Sheehan’s arrest. And that was when it happened: I felt the hate rise up within me and explode onto the page. It was in danger of taking over the article, so I cut it out and decided to stick it here instead. You’ll get the regular news report tomorrow, but in the meantime, you’re stuck with my opinion.

This weekend, over one-hundred thousand people camped outside of the White House, protesting the war in Iraq, among other things. During the protest, police had to keep telling Sheehan and her fellow protestors to “keep moving”, and not sit down on the sidewalk. After having to tell them on three different occasions, the message was still not sinking in and the police started making arrests. Cindy Sheehan was the first to be arrested, while protestors chanted, “The world is watching.” Okay, whatever you say, crazy people.

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At some point in celebrities’ useless lives, they cease to exist as celebrities and become brand names. This disturbing trend is becoming more and more commonplace and the rest of us “little people” can’t seem to get enough. The media is completely obsessed with the goings-on of the rich and famous, stalking them day and night, photographing them everywhere they go and reporting any rumor they can get their grubby little hands on, no matter how insane. Television shows are dedicated solely to reporting the amount of money celebs spend on clothing, where they went on vacation or how much their spectacularly stupid weddings cost; complete with timer to tell you how long the marriage lasted. The paparazzi thrives because a lot of people are infatuated with the goings on of the world’s celebrities – and how much we can make fun of them. I’m one of those people.

The Rise and Degradation of Britney Spears

Britney Spears has released a new perfume, the second fragrance of her beauty product line. This came as a huge shock to me because, judging from her recent appearance, I thought her to be the last person on earth to have any association with beauty products, let alone an entire line of products. Although it’s not as if Britney is actually throwing herself into a think-tank with scientists and beauticians to brainstorm these commodities: that would be cosmetic powerhouse Elizabeth Arden, and Britney’s name is simply the brand. Sadly, Britney is not smart enough to think of those things on her own.

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Let’s take a little test, shall we? Don’t worry, you’ll like it.

• Do you enjoy waking up in the morning?
• Are you a discerning gentleman who enjoys the good things in life?
• When you go into work, do you look like you’ve shaved with…
• • … a chainsaw?
• • … a wet badger?
• • … nothing? (au naturale)

Ok, that last one was a trick question. Badger is correct.

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You know if we ever were to open Halffull up to the flames of the internet we’d be subject to constant criticisms about little things we say, such as me using a matrix phrase. There’d be a 60-comment long thread beneath this post just based on the title and the thread would become complex enough to have intelligence and would take over my computer, launch all of the nukes in the continental US and then say, “I’m sorry Dave”. Thank goodness we make people register to post comments.

Moving on to my rant. While speaking recently Dan Rather remarked that Hurricane Katrina was one of news’s finest hours, comparable to the news coverage of Watergate and the investigative journalism that went on there.

Let me at least try to understand his viewpoint. Yes, there were plenty of journalists. Yes, they were climbing over each other to see who could get in harm’s way the most. Yes, some stayed in miserable conditions. But the finest coverage ever? Maybe including field journalists in with anchors isn’t fair. The anchor coverage has been terrible. It’s been terrible for a while. We have to turn to the specialty shows to get anything approaching coverage, such as Greta Van Susteren, or that woman with the short hair on CNN. Even Bill O’Reilly or Hannity and Colmes or Hardball are piss-poor coverage of events. Why do I say this? You’re right, I should be more specific.

I want them to earn their salaries. Continue Reading »

And we thought the EMP was ugly. I don’t even know where to begin, so I’m just going to point you here. Read that article now; you won’t be sorry that you did. Just in case you missed it the first time, read THIS ARTICLE.

Some Viennese “art group” (they’re calling it art) knitted the most awful pink bunny rabbit and will leave it on an Italian countryside for the next twenty years. TWENTY YEARS! First off, I must point out that it’s made completely of wool. I’m not sure what they’re going to do about rain. Then again, they wanted to knit up the largest and ugliest bunny rabbit ever and leave it on the Italian countryside, so we’re obviously not talking logic. My favorite part of the article is where one of the artist group members said, “It’s supposed to make you feel small, like Gulliver. You walk around it and you can’t help but smile.” I think that’s a mis-quote, and I’m sure what he said was, “laugh your ass off until you asphyxiate and die.”

Over the next couple of months there are some important things happening. Basically, it’s my chance to tell you what awesome books and games are being released, as well as some holidays and their history - for both U.S. and Canada (Annual Bathtub Races!). I don’t really have a beat on what’s happening for movies because they’re so expensive and so lame as of late that I haven’t really been paying attention. But if you know of any that needs mentioning, post below in the comments section with a date. Or if I missed anything else that you feel is particularly worth noting, comment below.

Wednesday, September 21
ABC’s Lost – That’s tomorrow people, so get on the ball! If you want to catch up, here is a site that gives you a general rundown for each episode. For more details and spoilers, click “Recap” under each episode listing. It’s definitely worth catching up on for tomorrow night.

Monday, September 26
Sly 3: Honor Among Thieves is released for PS2 – Great game for all ages, fun quests and puzzles, a whole lot of fun. Thumbs up for Sly and the gang. I have a friend who has played the last two with his six year old daughter, and confirms that they are age appropriate – for the both of them.

Tuesday, September 27
Family Guy: Stewie Griffin, the Untold Story DVD. Previously unseen material except by those who have been downloading it for free. He commands you to buy it.

Monday, October 3
Oktoberfest Ends — Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to drink as much beer as you possibly can until Oktoberfest ends. Do we have any readers who are beer connoisseurs? Post below with your recommendations and we’ll get it added here.

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Today is International “Talk Like A Pirate Day”! Hopefully I’m not the only person who finds this particularly lame. Apparently, a couple of really bored guys decided it would be cool if the entire world and all the people in it had a designated day for people everywhere to talk like a pirate. This is not cool, nor is it entertaining. Should anyone talk like a pirate to me, I will proceed to jam my pen up their nose. In fact, I’m going to reclaim today as “Talking Like Pirates Is For Losers Day”. Got that, matey?

Still, should you insist on talking like a pirate, the website has a small list of pirate jargon and useful definitions for the most inexperienced seafarer, including some top ten lists such as the one listed below.

Note to readers: The pick up lines below will definitely not work.

Top 10 Pirate Pick-Up Lines
10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
1. Prepare to be boarded.

Today’s notable events include:

Today, back in 1983, the final episode of MASH aired.

President James A. Garfield died this day in 1881. He was our 20th president.

Today is the birthday of:
Adam West
Paul Williams
Jimmy Fallon

In Japan, today is “Respect for the Aged” Day. If you don’t respect old people, you will dishonor everyone in the entire world and your head will hang in shame. FOREVER.

And most importantly, dessert trumps pirates any day: National Butterscotch Pudding Day is today — and that’s ten times better than talking like a pirate.