Halffull.org

The other night I was playing one of my WoW noobs when my computer completely froze up on me. I shut it off, waited a few seconds, and then started it up again. Unfortunately, my little magic computer gnomes decided to go AWOL. From somewhere inside my computer they said to me, “click click click click click,” at which point redshift’s head SNAPPED in the direction of my computer, then he sucked in his breath and stared up at the ceiling. After a few seconds he gave me the “put your hands in the air and step away from the computer” motion. My computer has not worked since.

Whatever happened was not my fault. Up until that point I had been playing my WoW noob, and for some reason I said something to redshift about Vanilla Ice. (I don’t remember what it was now) and he thought it would be funny to cue up the “Havin A Roni” song. If you haven’t heard this song, don’t run out and listen to it. I’ll just sum it up for you. Over and over, the Vanilla Ice repeats “What it’s like, havin a roni.” That’s the whole song, just that line. And who knows what the hell a roni is? Naturally, I take this matter to my guild. The conversation is short, and goes something like this:

Me: (redshift) is playing that Vanilla Ice song, “Havin a Roni.” WTH is a roni?!
Grimvalt: Rice-a-Roni?
Caulbraen: Maybe it’s a penis since he doesn’t have one
Grimvalt: Is it really the San Francisco treat?

And then my computer lost its will to live. Much like Padme in Star Wars: Episode III, except that my computer’s reasoning is much more substantial. On the other hand, I think I may have discovered why my guild’s new membership is down and thousands of people are flocking to the Dark Iron server to join the guys of PvP Online and Penny Arcade instead.

For those of you who haven’t heard because you either don’t play games or don’t read comic sites or possibly live in the proverbial cave, PvP Online and Penny Arcade have started opposing guilds on the Dark Iron server, where buttloads of people are flocking to join. And when I say “buttloads,” I mean BUTTLOADS. Apparently there are so many people on this server that there is an hour wait just to log in. And yet, the flood of people hasn’t stopped: A third comic site, Ctrl+Alt+Del, has hopped on the bandwagon and started their own guild on the same server, horde side, to hang out with [PvP Online](http://www.pvponline.com/”PvP Online”).

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As always:

Dear Blue Midget,

I drink tea at work, and I like it with cream and sugar. Since the office doesn’t keep good creamer in the kitchen (only powdered creamer which I don’t like) I bring my own and keep it in the office fridge. Even though it’s got my name on it, some jerk keeps stealing it and drinking all of my creamer. What should I do?

Pissed Off,
Tea Drinking Dude

Dear Tea Drinking Dude,

Congratulations on your choice against powdered creamer. That chemical crap is like a hot dog – you just don’t know what’s in it. Personally, I’m convinced that after twenty years of drinking it, people will be growing third arms.

You are not alone in your plight. The Cream Thief (AKA Milk Thief) is the bane of the office. I, too, have been forced to deal with the Creamer Thief, as has my editor, Evil Iggy, who is also a tea drinker although he adds milk and sugar. While he was having issues with his Milk Thief, he asked me about it and we conspired together to see what would absolutely work. I had already learned how to overcome the Creamer Thief, but the great thing about Evil Iggy is that he’s like the Captain Picard of revenge: He goes where no man has gone before. So I’ve had some experience in this area, and I will now pass my wisdom on to you.

As an aside, here is a little theory that I have: The person who has been drinking your creamer is the same fat ass who used to steal other kids’ lunches on elementary school field trips. Find the creamer thief, and you’ll find the kid who used to steal your Hostess Ding Dongs.

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I’ve been trying to avoid politics lately. I’ve mostly stopped watching cable news, I’ve been sticking to only reading the local section of the newspaper and reading less of the international news. I’ve said to myself, “There’s better things to be doing. I could be bettering myself by reading, or watching more of the Food Network.” But I couldn’t avoid the multiple stories about Cindy Sheehan, or Queen Obnoxious.

Yes let’s all weep for her dead son. No seriously, it sucks. He died killing bastards in Iraq and it sucks. I feel mostly sorry for terrorists. They’re honestly convinced that America is evil, and that it makes a ton of sense to blow themselves up near hordes of children in order to kill so much as a few soldiers. Hordes of young Arabs rushing to die for a reason. They’re not being knowingly lied to, either. The idiot clerics riling them up and the idiot leaders strapping bombs to their chests actually think they’re doing God’s work. It’s deluded and insane and evil, but ultimately you feel sorry for them that their minds have become so twisted. That little bit about feeling sorry for them being said, they should be killed as fast as they can strap bombs to their chest and people over there need some leaders who, rather than use religion and fear to gain power, actually try to do something good for their people and push for democracy and all that good stuff.

If you read that part about religion and fear and snicker, please smack yourself across the face. Because the democrats use fear too. And this brings us back to politics. The massive cry-fest going on outside Bush’s ranch in Crawford being led by the world’s most obnoxious mother. She wants Bush to drop the minor business of running the country and most of the world and A: Issue a full apology to her in particular and other mothers in general, and B: pull our troops out of Iraq. Let’s address these.

Apologizing to mothers for their sons deaths in Iraq. Hm. I can see an expression of sympathies, that should be expected. But an apology? That would imply that Bush was directly responsible for their deaths. Bush ordered the troops into Iraq and they were either killed by accidental friendly fire or terrorists. I should point out here that this is one of the best fought wars ever, despite news coverage that can’t stop referring to it as “Vietnam”. We’re slowly but surely making progress in a hellhole where the willfully ignorant have decided to force their neighbors to buy into their sham vision of a grand Islamic empire. Most people, even in Iraq and the other Arab countries, honestly want to live in peace. But there’s enough ignorant young people who will gladly arm themselves just so they can say they stood for something. We see this problem in the US: young whiny spoiled liberal elitist brats. They know oh-so-much about the evils of corporations and religion and the rest and you just don’t know, man. If you only liberated yourself and enjoyed weed then you’d know, dude, that it’s like, you’re being fooled, by these evil Jesus-freaks, right? I mean open your eyes and vote for Kerry, or else America deserves more bombings. If I said I wanted to hurt hippies I’d be just as bad as them, such as when they riot at G-8 conferences.

I’ve diverted myself. Bush sent the troops abroad, like many other presidents, and some died. Much less than Vietnam, I might add, despite all the dangers over there. So the mothers of the dead should get a letter of sympathy and the thanks of a greatful nation. Different from an apology.

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About a month or so ago, we linked a very funny site called [The Editing Room](http://www.the-editing-room.com/”The Editing Room!”) for it’s hilarious abridged [Star Wars Episode III](http://www.the-editing-room.com/?script=revengeofthesith”Episode III”) script. This site has become a new favorite of mine so I keep an eye on it. Previously, it had a strange web address that no one could remember or figure out what it even meant, but there is now a new name registered for the site that everyone can remember. Two new scripts have been updated to the site:

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy can be found [here](http://www.the-editing-room.com/?script=hhgttg”Hitchhiker’s Guide Abridged Script”). It is only mildly funny, but then again I’ve seen the movie and there’s not much to work with there. Still, it’s Hitchhiker’s Guide so it’s automatically cool, even though the movie kind of sucked. Fans everywhere collectively sigh.

Fantastic 4 can be found [here](http://www.the-editing-room.com/?script=fantastic4″Craptastic 4 Abridged Script”). If you haven’t seen the movie yet, and I’m not recommending that you do, you’d be better off reading the abridged version. This is a very funny read and much cheaper than paying $8.50 a ticket, unless you feel Jessica Alba’s boobies are worth that much.

Enjoy.

Less than an hour after their transmission with Dowlas Brak, Jaydi Tarin and Bo Kaydell had dismantled the operation on Tab Kabelac. It was late in the afternoon, and the first moon was beginning its ascent. The red and brown landscape stretched out over the plain and melted into the faint purple and red band on the horizon. The blue expanse above was losing its strength, but not yet giving up the day.

From the loading ramp of the Terentia, Jaydi stood listening to the low hum of the engines, her eyes flickering over the landscape. The ship’s motion system would give them warning long before anyone approached, but she wanted some semblance of comfort for her vigilance. Comfort did not come. Closing her eyes, the events of the last few weeks replayed in her head. The Skipwing was becoming more and more questionable. Shaking her head, she dismissed all her mutinous thoughts. In the three years she had worked in the organization, Dowlas Brak had never been known to put himself, the organization, or his people at risk. As far as leaders of illegal modder groups went, he was one of the most decent and honest. Dowlas Brak deserved her loyalty.

A cold, wet nose wiggled into the palm of her hand, bringing her back to the present. She opened her eyes and looked down, but the dog had already trotted off with his head to the ground, sniffing every inch, tail wagging furiously. He was probably sensing their urgency. This dog seemed to have a knack for that.

Bo emerged from the shack, the breeze courteously blowing his hair over the bald spot. He glanced over to Jaydi, who was still studying the dog. “Are you ready?”

She nodded. While Bo had been loading the last of the post onto the ship, she had gone into the cavern beneath the shack and put on her gear. For reassurance, she patted her left hip where she kept her pistol hidden beneath her jacket.

He appeared satisfied. “Okay.” Walking toward the ramp where Jaydi was standing, he whistled to the dog. “Come on, Max.” The dog loped up the ramp and into the ship, tail flogging the air.

Bo reached the ramp and stopped next to where Jaydi had gone back to watching the skyline. “You look nervous,” he told her.

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I’m normally not one for wikis. Point me at a MediaWiki that’s not Wikipedia and I’ll barf.

Initially I hated them because the concept of letting anyone edit your web page is repugnant, to say the least. I came to accept that, in certain cases, they could be useful as knowledge centers. If you don’t like writing documentation, or if you don’t know every intricacy of the subject matter, wikis can be great for letting the community help to spell out a set of articles.

Now I hate them because most wiki systems are awful. MediaWiki, the most popular, has feature-itis to the extreme. “Someone has a fetish for an aberrant magic word that only one site on the entire intarweb will use? Sure, we can add that!” The interface becomes cluttered with strange options that 99% of sites will never use. And God help you if you try to learn all the magic words, templates, variables, and other things so complicated I couldn’t even find a help page for them. Which says a lot in itself. If you need everything and the kitchen sink, it’s your choice. (Wikipedia is only acceptable because it has huge wealths of information, and because MediaWiki was built for it.)

Most other wikis are either fugly, undocumented, unmaintained, or lacking crucial features. However, in my travels, I have found a few very nice and innovative wikis. Here they are, in all their glory:

1. TiddlyWiki: a wiki entirely contained in a single HTML file, using only HTML, CSS, and javascript. It’s quite amazing. You know how to install it? Go to the site, make whatever changes you want, and save the page to your hard drive. It’s your own site. You can email the wiki around, or host if you want – it’s entirely self-contained. Beyond that neatness, it’s also very functional in its own right. It uses just the right amount of javascript to get a seamless, interactive feel. Clicking links doesn’t open a new page, it might just fade in a new block of text over an old one. It’s an effect you really have to see – check out their site. It’s not AJAX (it can’t be, it’s entirely in one local file) but it feels even better.

2. Instiki: the original Ruby wiki, so easy to install and use you’ll wonder if it’s really a wiki. Two steps to install, easy formatting, and it still has all the important stuff for a basic wiki. Plus, it was the inspiration for Rails.

3. Trac: fantastic not for its wiki abilities, but for tying the wiki into the software development process. It has a subversion code browser, wiki, milestones, etc. Take a good look at it if you want your project to have a home.

4. Tomboy: I almost used Gnome for this program alone. It’s an awesome little system tray utility that gives you a personal wiki for notes, to-dos, etc. The quality is in the simplicity. It’s always available.

5. Wikalong: an extension for Firefox that adds a wiki in your sidebar, linked to the current URL. Handy way to keep notes on certain pages, share information, etc. You could also post your Adblock filters.

6. There was a wiki I found at one point that was good for software documentation. I can no longer find it, but it might have been DokuWiki.

I have a suspicion that many people use (other) wikis when they don’t feel like doing design. That is to say, most wikis are butt ugly by default.

If you haven’t heard it on the news or seen anyone wandering around without pants, today is National Underwear Day. Arise, pantless masses! Come forth in your boxers, your tightie whities or your thongs!

It makes me yearn for the days of Underoos! Everyone I knew had a different kind and they were cool because you could wear the characters you liked most. It’s crazy how much has changed in thirty years. Back then we wore Darth Vader and Superman. (I personally had Princess Leia underoos and they were better than Wonder Woman underoos any day.) Today kids are wearing tshirts that say “Porn Star,” which is crazy as hell. What is wrong with people nowadays?

Today’s Kings and Queens are:
Homer Simpson
hulk
All Victoria Secret Models
Pro Wrestlers

I can’t think of any other notable pantless persons. If you can, add them below in the comments section.

Should you choose to be one of the pantless masses in the honor of this day but didn’t read my article from last week, we encourage you to wear something without skidmarks.

Go forth, Kings and Queens of No Pants, and rule the day!!

Let’s not beat around the bush, shall we? Apartment living sucks. And the only thing that sucks more than apartment living is the people who live above me. Uh, I mean “us.” Yeah. If you haven’t lived in an apartment for a while and don’t really remember what it’s like, allow me to refresh your memory:

It’s been a long week at work. You come home from another tiring day, and all you want is 45 minutes to sit back and relax and enjoy a little peace and quiet. Maybe some TV, maybe not. What you definitely need is a few minutes to settle down. So you do, on the couch or in your favorite chair. All is well when… STOMP STOMP STOMP CRASH! STOMP STOMP STOMP CRASH! The children upstairs start running from one end of the apartment to the other. The next thing you hear is unintelligible screaming. It might be in another language, or maybe it’s just in Childese. Either way, you don’t speak it and it’s really annoying. The people who live above you do not use their air conditioning either, so at all hours of the day, the screaming and stomping of the children upstairs can be heard in your apartment as if they were right next to you. Let’s escalate this and also throw in that they’ve been vacuuming at 7:00am every other morning, including Saturday. Also, if I haven’t mentioned this – the children do not sleep in the second bedroom, they sleep in the master bedroom above you and it’s fun waking up to the sounds of their playing and screaming at 6:30am on a Saturday. At least you’re awake for the vacuuming. And of course when you complain to them, they don’t get it because their children are awesomely wonderful and perfect in every way so how in the world could they be annoying?

This is my day, every day. I know I’m not alone – millions of apartment dwellers have to put up with the crap that goes on with the people upstairs. From the apartment dwelling community to you, I say:

YOUR CHILDREN SUCK, AND SO DO YOU. If only I could get that as a Hallmark card.

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Q – What does “FAQ” stand for?
A – Frequently Asked Questions

Q – How do you pronounce it?
A – It is pronounced “fack,” so stop spelling it out because you are identifying yourself as an internet noob.

Q – Are you going to make fun of me for saying “F-A-Q”?
A – Yes, as soon as you are out of earshot.

Q – What is Halffull.org?
A – Halffull is a website for people out in the world who have no website of their own. If you don’t have a place to call your own and Slashdot thinks your articles are too retarded for their front page, you can join Halffull instead. We’re like Cheers, except that everyone here is Norm.

Q – Are you saying anyone can join and post articles?
A – Yes! In fact, we encourage it. Sign up and introduce yourself.

Q – Is there a theme to the website?
A – No, each author brings something different to the site. Redshift is more technology related, Blue Midget is more general, and Hulk is drunken political/corporate ranting – he’s like Darth Vader, but without the suck. We think it’s better to have a variety of things to read, so you aren’t reading the same regurgitated material over and over. If you want to become an author, we encourage you to bring your own flavor to the table.

Q – Do I have to pay?
A – No, although you will be required to sell your soul to the devil and sacrifice goats on a quarterly basis. Just kidding, it’s free.

Q – So, how does this work?
A –If you are new to us, your post will be submitted to redshift. He will review your article, fix your horrible spelling and punctuation, create more paragraphs wherever he feels is necessary because he’s the evil grammar Gestapo – not that I’m bitter or anything – and then, he will post it. Most importantly he wants to make sure your article doesn’t suck. After you click to post, it may take a little bit of time before your article is shown, but no more than 24 hours.

Q – Can I really post anything I want?
A – Sort of. While you can go on a huge rant about nearly anything you want, obviously we do not allow topics illegal in the US. If you write up an article about how much you’d love to get your hands on Michael Jackson’s little black book and have been looking for a hot 10 year old in your area to hook up with, we’re going to call the police, and then you can enjoy 5 to 10 as someone’s girlfriend. You get the idea.

Q – Will I always have to wait for redshift to OK my posts?
A – When he gets to know you a bit better and is comfortable with your topics, he’ll elevate your user level to a higher number. This site goes to 11.

Q – Does this site have a message board?
A – No, under each article is a comment section. We encourage readers and authors to use it. You don’t even have to register to use the comments section, although it makes us feel cool if you do.

Q – When I register for the site, it asks me for my email. Are you going to keep it or sell it?
A – Neither. We don’t need no stinkin’ emails. In fact, redshift is planning the doom of all spammers and people who sell email addresses as we speak.

Q – Thanks!
A – No problem. Welcome to Halffull.

“This week should be fairly quiet out in the big black, except for a small meteor shower moving through a few sectors of the Colonies beginning this Thursday. Officials report that the Sanctioned Planets will not be in any danger, although it will cause issues for some travelers over the next few days.” Instead of a galaxy map, an actual photo of space appeared behind the man in the expensive suit, his perfect blonde hair striking out against the backdrop. “The United Space Colonies and the Department of Transportation will be prohibiting all space jumping in those sectors until the shower has passed.” His red laser pointer circled an area of space and he flashed his most charming smile, as if the general public could identify one white dot in space from another. “This will be affecting sectors seven-two-nine through eight-four-three. For a more detailed schedule, please visit your local Department of Transportation or Interstellar Post Office.” The smile appeared again, face frozen in concentration as if willing his eyes to twinkle and his teeth to sparkle. After a couple of seconds he gave up. “Back to you, Jean.”

A brunette in heavy make-up and a neon-pink suit appeared on the hologram, wearing her best patronizing smile. “Thank you, Edward. And now, here’s what’s happening in your galaxy.” The music cued overhead and she continued.

“Tensions escalated today on Aris, at the Intergalactic Center of Earth Colonies, as protestors outside the Seat demanded action. Demonstrators are urging for a stronger military presence in the outer rim of the Sanctioned to oppose the rising crime rate among those systems. The Interstellar Military is being criticized by many planetary governments who say the Reserve Forces being called into action are not enough. General Kardern of the Interstellar Military Force will be holding a press conference tomorrow.”

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