Bulbous Bouffant

Announcing the official Halffull Bulbous Bouffant Mapping Contest!

If you haven’t heard the song, get it – and trust me, you’ll need to listen to it a lot.

The idea is to make a written map of everything they say, and figure out if it is in fact possible for only three people to be involved, as the premise would have us believe.

I say no, and my current map can be found here, [not finished yet] with a rudimentary explanation – feel free to copy the style of my map. You can either email me your submissions or post them in a comment, where they’ll be horribly distorted.

In case you haven’t heard of this before and think I’m insane, it’s a song from the Canadian comedy team The Vestibules.

Well, that’s that

I suppose I know it had to happen. It’s almost sad, though, like finding out the easter bunny isn’t real, that storks are only the middlemen, or that Delta Burke won’t be doing another Designing Women reunion.

Yes, they’ve found the airspeed velocity of unladen African and European swallows.

[p.s. If you don't know what this is about, you are hereby banned.]

Popcorn, Or: It’s #$%*^ stuck in my teeth!

Popcorn. It’s a wonderful substance, But it carries such awful side effects. You can make the bagged stuff in your microwave by just throwing it in there and pressing a button. You can pop it on your stove. You can pop it in a machine. You can buy it at a fair or in a movie theater.

No matter where you buy it, it comes in one of five states: Too salty, too buttery/greasy, stale, flavorless, or sickening. If it’s too buttery or greasy, you get crap all over your fingers and henceforth your hands and henceforth your clothes. If you don’t have it with much butter though, it could be too salty, and dry, salty popcorn is the pits ’cause it leaves a horrendous feeling in your mouth. Or it can be all stale and obviously old, and that sucks too. Or it can be nice and flavorless, and if you go to the trouble of making plain popcorn, you’re just a moron. Sometimes it can be good if you make it plain and add your own spices, but usually it’s terrible. And if you buy it at a movie theater, I don’t know what the hell they do to it there, but they pour some chemical on it that gives it a vomit-aftertaste. Yay. Continue Reading »

Not to say I told you so, but…

You know Apple’s fancy commercials that say how their G5 is the most powerful, fastest, most delicious, prodigious, litigious, just plain most incredible computer in the world?

Ha, I say. Their ads were banned by the Independent Television Commission in England. Too many people complained of false advertising and called bullshit.

This is the first time I wish I were English.

Texas, Or: Taxes

I’ve heard many people criticize the Bush tax cuts as recklessness, or only favoring the top 1% while giving nothing to the poor. I find it interesting that while the very idea of a federal government levying a tax was very much a controversial issue up until the 20th century, the federal government assumes a certain portion of what you earn belongs to them. And they collect it in several ways. Continue Reading »

The History of Germany

The History of Germany, According to Rich:

So Germany was this big piece of land called “nothing” by the Romans because that’s all it was to them, a big hunk of nothing, no vineyards, hence no point. In truth they probably had some name for it, like, “pointless place full of trees” or something like that. Then Attila the Hun came from up there and smashed the Roman Empire, which was already in decline because of debauchery. I don’t really know what that means, but it probably means the Romans were de-bauching themselves, which sounds bad and/or gross. So the Germans put an end to that. Then nothing happened for a while in Germany. Again. Blah blah blah, they discovered feudalism as it swept Europe. Feudalism was great because everybody got to screw everybody beneath them, like a giant pyramid scheme, which is illegal, but fortunately for them there was no FBI back then to arrest them all for the stupid scheme. Continue Reading »

The History of Japan

The Japanese have a long history of getting their culture from other peoples. Several thousand months ago, they copied Zen Buddhism from the Chinese. Then they did a bunch of stuff with sand, rocks, and little odd-shaped trees. They were a feudal society until about 60 years ago when General Macarthur threw the Emperor into the Pacific Ocean. Simultaneously, the US soldiers removed their weapons and taught the Japanese about pornography. The nation was immediately revitalized, as artists set to drawing pictures of women in impossible proportions. There’s also something about Godzilla in there, he’s this really cool giant death-lizard who represents the horror man has potentially unleashed upon himself by building the A-bomb. Continue Reading »

George Bush vs. the Naive Nine

From today’s Wall Street Journal editorial page:

George Bush vs. the Naive Nine
Why this lifelong Democrat will vote Republican next November.

BY ZELL MILLER
Monday, November 3, 2003 12:01 a.m. EST

If I live and breathe, and if–as Hank Williams used to say–the creek don’t rise, in 2004 this Democrat will do something I didn’t do in 2000, I will vote for George W. Bush for president.

I have come to believe that George Bush is the right man in the right place at the right time. And that’s a pretty big mouthful coming from a lifelong Democrat who first voted for Adlai Stevenson in 1952 and has voted for every Democratic presidential candidate the 12 cycles since then. My political history to the contrary, this was the easiest decision I think I’ve ever made in deciding who to support. For I believe the next five years will determine the kind of world my four grandchildren and four great-grandchildren will live in. I simply cannot entrust that crucial decision to any one of the current group of Democratic presidential candidates. Continue Reading »

There You Go Again

Well, the liberals are at it again, trying to find yet another way to belittle and bash the biggest threat to the left in American history: Ronald Reagan. In the upcoming CBS miniseries on the Reagans, the scriptwriters, actors, director, etc. alternate turns taking the hatchett to the best American president in the 20th century.

First off, they cast Barbara Streisand’s husband, James Brolin, as Reagan. Now, surely, that should be setting off alarm bells by itself. As Peter Robinson, former speechwriter for Reagan mention on the Big Story this week, what would happen if Charlton Heston were casted to play George McGovern? People would call foul. But it’s ok the other way around. Next, no mention is made of Reagan’s most successful endeavor next to winning the Cold War: turning the economy around and creating 19 million new jobs following the Carter years when the inflation rate was resembling that of a small Latin American country. Continue Reading »