Halffull.org

Well. Finally remembering to look for a song I’ve been meaning to download, redshift decides to download it too… It deciding to quit on me most of the way through, I go to cdnow and discover I had the name wrong. Bored yet? Yeah me too. Wondering if redshift had the same version as me, i get this in reply:

redshift: mine goes ahhHHAHHHHHHHH sucked by lightning chicka boom chicha boom wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wishy wishy wishy wishy WAAAAAA bum da bum bum bum da bum bum WAAAAAAA boom wishy da da da da aahhhHHHHHh sucked by lightning

redshift: and the end is kinda waaAAAAAAAYayayayaeyeyeyeyeieieieieayayayyyy

redshift: you?

After giggling maniacally for a while, I sit back in blissful silence and listen with my headphones.

For all 6 of you who might be interested, what made me want the song to begin with was the first link in here.

I can’t believe it! It finally happened! Scientists have finally shown that cigarettes cause cancer!

…

What the hell? Why was time wasted proving this instead of.. oh, I don’t know.. curing cancer?

If you consider this, and the October 4th settlement that awarded $28 billion to a former smoker, such a ridiculous amount that it seems far too early in time to give…

$28 Billion! Hello 2070 Cancer! Hello 1970

According to my calculations, that means we’re moving back in time by just over a full day every minute.

If you’re 25, you’ll be unborn in… 24 minutes. Start smoking!

The Widgit Communist Farmer’s League reported today that there will be an Ooble shortage in local markets this season, and that the farmers expect 40% reduced profits this quarter.

Farmers blamed the loss on several factors. First of all, Mayor Chewobble has taxed them “too heavily”, and reportedly called them a bunch of kulaks, who “put their lives and the lives of their children before the economic success of the party.” In response, Mayor Chewobble has decided to exile half of the farming population to Woodget (that utter hellhole of a town) . When asked how we would solve the farming problem by getting rid of farmers, Mayor Chewobble exiled some reporters to Woodget. No one else asked any questions.

The farmers also blamed their losses on Martha Stewart, who apparently “waved her black magic over our small farms” and then sold stock. It is also interesting to note that Mr. Beeboozle sold just as much stock as Martha Stewart at the same time but no one pointed a finger at him. The Communist Farmers League responded that it is in no way “sexist”.

Finally, the farmers said that a rising population of blowpops in the fields have been harmful to the oobles, as blowpops are terrifying weeds that suck up all the water in the area.

One thing is for sure, not many households will be having ooble pie this Thanksgiving.

I’d like to congratulate the Angels on winning the World Series and thank them, most of all. American sport. Great season. Yeah.

Most of all because they ended the damn season. Every year I go through the same crap. Good shows being cancelled for the “American Sport.” My ass, when did we take a vote on this? The American Sport should be fucking football.. or billiards, hell, anything but baseball. Pointless boring crap, overpaid athletes, interruption of good television time.

The rest of the world has it right with football. Hell, they get red cards there, and that’s COOL. I get a strangely homoerotic feeling whenever baseball players/managers get in the umpire’s face to do their bitching. And American football? Sissy hankerchiefs. No thanks. Red card for me, you can take that to the bank.

(Widgit-Reuters) Early Wednesday morning Sergeant Meewop of the Widgit Police Department anounced that a suspect had been arrested for Ted Pillywop’s murder. Bob Pillywip was taken into custody and will be charged with ninth degree murder. This carries the fine of $1.00. When asked what the city could do with that dollar, Sergeant Meewop said, “We could make a call using 1-800-CALL-ATT. Or we could get a Dell.” Sergeant Meewop also anounced the disappearance of the annoying Dell kid who is widely known for saying, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”. Meewop said that the Dell kid had been reported missing earlier this week, and the family did not want it made public immediately as they hoped to lure him home with a Dell Dimension XP.

Meewop was asked to elaborate on possible motive in the Pillywop case. “Well, the problem was, none of us liked Pillywop, so I almost can’t say I blame Pillywip for killing him. I mean, what kind of a name is Pillywop anyway? It ends with “wop”. It’s pretty stupid.”

A reporter pointed out that Meewop’s name ended with “wop”, to which he replied, “No comment.” Pillywop was found murdered last tuesday in his bedroom, and Pillywip was the primary suspect as police said they suspected the two were lovers and that it was a crime of passion. Pillywip vehemently denied being a lover of Pillywop, saying, “I love eating fish. I swear. Sausage just ain’t my thing.” When asked to explain why he was talking about food in reference to a murder case, Pillywip replied, “It’s metaphors, don’t you get it-nevermind.”

For the past week, the town of Widgit has been living in fear, now they can rest easy. As long as you don’t have a stupid name, you will not be murdered-at least not in the town of Widgit. Also, reporting on the UFO sightings this past weekend, Sergeant Meewop said, “It was all swampgas, I’m telling you. Swampgas and monkeys who had been sent to outer space as part of an experiment. We aliens are not living among you and trying to eat your brains. Wait, I mean, those aliens are not living among you and trying to eat your brains. Yeah. Praise Zolnok. No, wait! I said…I like peanuts.”

Bush is once again demonstrating his fervent desire to serve the people of this nation with his selection of the head of the FDA Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. By “the people of his nation,” I mean the White Christian heterosexual males that Bush recognizes as people. Continue Reading »

I suppose it was inevitable - they’ve thought of everything. The birth control patch is out.

I suppose it makes sense, it works for tobacco. What’s next, I wonder… a gum that cures sexual cravings? I’ll take orange flavor! Then what, sex lobbyists going before congress, a la tobacco senators? I swear, I didn’t know it would do THAT! Where’s my 28 billion? No sex in public places or restaurants. Please wear your patch responsibly.

Hell, why not put it on your forehead, proclaim your intentions for all to see.

“Hey, you’re quitting, that’s great!” “Oh, no.. I’m just a whore. Thanks though.”

I’ve been called a terrorist three times today.

First, for asking about airport security. Second, for asking why asking that was wrong.

Third, for saying you can keep your new country. I want the US with the first amendment.

I don’t care what happens in the news, or in Afghani-land, or at the local airport. The first amendment is what allows everything else to happen. In my world, yelling fire in a crowded theater is not a federal crime, it’s a theater-owner-beating-your-ass crime.

Halffull is your safehaven. Speak your mind. Even you dirty liberals.